I need some advice with social issues in middle school

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Before we get into this, I'm gonna ask that you read the whole post and give me advice, especially if you've been in my shoes. I'll try to keep it short, but sorry if it's a bit lengthy and emotional.

Pretty much, I've always had issues with bullying and friends because of my Aspergers, and lately it's been causing me a lot of stress, pain, and anxiety. I have 2 good friends in another class and in the grade below me, I have a lot of online friends who I play an online game with, and I have some friends in my class, but lately it's seemed like I had nobody at school because I don't see my other friends often.

There's one person who I know has ADHD who has had an on/off friendship with me for the past few years, where it was either he was a friend and we hung out and played video games, or he bullied me and really wasn't a nice person (Constantly calling me names, making fun of me for every little thing, picking fights with me physically and verbally, trying to get my other classmates to pick on me as well, etc) We'll call him S. S is often not too nice to his actual friends either, just not very often, while he starts with me almost daily. There are some other kids who dislike him as much as I do. He also often ditches his friends for the slightly cooler kids who don't really like him and call him names behind his back. As well as this, most of my friends in my class (A few acquaintances and one friend I've been good friends with for a few years who we'll call W) and the other students don't defend me when people pick on me, don't invite me to social gatherings, don't really act like friends, and generally seem disinterested in being friends with me. W has started to become good friends with S and another person, and for the past few months we haven't been getting along too well. I have resolved everything with W and we're starting to be good friends again, but he still makes fun of me a bit.

Then today, after not getting along as well with my good friend lately, after one person in a group for a project had taken charge and not really listened to my ideas or let me do much which led to us getting a mediocre grade and me most likely getting a bad individual grade, and after that S was picking on me for the past few weeks before getting several tickets to a movie the day before it came out and inviting many of my friends and the people who talk about him behind his back but not me (for the second time this year), I got really upset. I just sat on the ground holding back tears and thinking about everything while trying to calm down. After getting home from school and calming down a bit, I found this forum and I've been writing a bit every few minutes while I calm down.

Anyways, I need advice on what to do. I want to be able to resolve everything with S, and get back to the point where I have some good friends in my class and get along well with W. One important thing to note may be that S and W both know I have Aspergers but they don't really understand at it all. So if you have any suggestions on what I could do, please reply with them below.

I've been in a similar situation when I was in Jr. High and High School. I hung out with people who would act mean to me and within a short amount of time they would act really friendly towards me. I thought that it might eventually stop, but it never did. I think if W is still being mean to you the best thing to do might be to start avoiding him. If S has been getting along with you fine then maybe still be friends with them. If S seems easily influenced by W though and it's causing you a lot of stress then it might be a good idea to become distant from both of them. When I started to avoid the people that I hung out with I was lonely, but I didn't feel as stressed out so maybe that would help for you too.

Maybe you could try making new friends by going to a local autism group or maybe arrange to meet with some of your online friends?

I had a horrible time in middle school and high school, but I didn't know I had ASD. One big mistake I made was not having enough confidence and letting others pick on me. I didn't really know how to fit in, and I was always trying to impress other kids and keep from being picked on.

You really need to be firm and not take crap from others. I'm guessing that S senses that you will let yourself be picked on. That's usually how it goes.

I don't think you need to make an effort to avoid S. You've got to learn to deal with people like that; they are everywhere and never go away. Their behavior just becomes less obvious with age. So don't let S get away with it; you've got to do something. Have something to say back, or stare him down. Don't let yourself get upset, because when they see that, they know they have you.

For making friends, you've got to try to notice what others are interested in and how they speak to each other. Be willing to talk about stuff that maybe doesn't interest you. Be willing to speak up and involve yourself in conversations. Find those that share some of the same interests. Be confident, and don't let yourself get picked on. Kids usually respect confidence, and so do adults.

I wouldn't try to make myself stand out too much if I were you. Try to just be friendly with everyone, and try to avoid conflict. If you can form a small circle of friends, you're probably going to be fine. Focus on interests, and try to get involved in school activities, except for the ones that nobody wants to participate in.

Honestly, being that age can really suck, and I think that for people with ASD, it's better to keep a low profile, unless the person happens to be unusually charismatic.

Thanks so much for all of the advice! I'll definitely try everything today and see how it goes.

Good luck I hope everything works out.

It depends on how bad it's gotten. There's a certain point where a kid isn't going to be able to get along in a certain school if there is enough animosity, and it's been established that he/she is to be a target for bullying. At that point, it's probably going to be better to leave the school.

That's why it's better not to call too much attention to oneself. The quieter kids who seem more boring are not going to be picked on as much. It's also better to establish that one is not a victim as soon as possible.

I was both a target of bullying, and a bully at one time.

Little psychopathic bullies ought to be expelled. If the school is decent, and the teachers aren't oblivious, they will be. Otherwise they get to terrorize everyone, and sticking up for oneself probably won't work. There are many schools that are absolutely terrible when it comes to this.

I got away with a lot of things when I was confronted, simply by lying. I have no idea why; it was pretty obvious. Maybe they just didn't care enough to bother. I think adults are often oblivious to manipulation by kids, as if they've forgotten what it's like to be one. I still hear of it happening today, and it's probably worse. Kids aren't stupid, and they aren't innocent either, but excuses are always made for them and they are allowed to continue to act out.

When it comes to being quiet and appearing boring it seems like that might actually be what attracts bullies, at least in my experience. I've heard if you get upset and emotional it reinforces the bully to act that way so I would think acting calm and ignoring them would eventually cause them to get bored, but it doesn't seem to help very much in those situations.

I guess it depends. The kids who are really obviously socially awkward are going to stand out, regardless of being quiet. So there has to be a certain amount of self-awareness. Plus dressing in a way that is really different, or not fashionable is often going to make a person stand out.

I remember that the kids that got the most negative attention were typically the really strange-looking ones who were especially awkward. A kid that looked like he never bathed, was overweight, wore dirty clothes and had thick glasses, for example. Another was a girl who wore really strange outfits that seemed as if they were just randomly put together. She wasn't dressed that way purposely, either. Usually these kids were just mocked and not actively bullied, though.

From my experience, you can still be targeted like that even if you take care of yourself, dress okay, have good posture ect. I think part of it might be because of thing like being quiet or having an unusual tone of voice.

When I was in elementary school, and into middle school, I had some "friends" that would tease and correct everything I did. I didn't really know where I stood though, because they would also do nice things for me. I kept thinking that it must be my fault , but I got more and more frustrated, and had less and less fun, as time passed. Eventually, I realized that since they were behaving this way only to me, and not to each other, maybe I could leave them behind and sit somewhere else. This was hard to do it first, but as I surrounded myself with kids who didn't tease me all the time, the mean ones started leaving me alone.

You're learning early on that meanness is a default condition of people towards those that are different.

It is a roller coaster in mid & high school.
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I had an S that was part "friend" part boxer. .. I was the boxee that got punched literally.

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