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shadexiii
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01 May 2007, 11:03 pm

Why is it that once I stop caring, things start to improve in terms of relationships? People I had given up on start coming out of the woodwork. Once that starts happening, I wind up starting to care again, and the cycle repeats. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Is there any logic behind this? Does this make any sense? Should it?



krex
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01 May 2007, 11:32 pm

The same thing happens if you get into a relationship....I think it is because you tend to be more self content and that is very attractive.Men seem to say it is "self confidence" but I think it is a mild indifference...why is that attractive?A challenge,the person may know some secret of happiness and they want in on it?I really dont know,but it seems true.It's really hard to fake too.


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shadexiii
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01 May 2007, 11:37 pm

Yeah, I really don't see why indifference is attractive. How does "I've given up on things going well between us, so whatever, done wasting time, done caring about it, and for that matter I'm not bothering looking for another relationship since it will likely be the same" get translated to "I'm confident in myself and my life?" Isn't that kind of the opposite?



calandale
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01 May 2007, 11:46 pm

Never works that way for me.
When I'm in a relationship,
I do tend to get a tiny bit
more attention. But just
not caring tends to mean
that I'm not ever around
people.



shadexiii
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01 May 2007, 11:50 pm

That's the thing, if I'm not around people, people from my past start popping up. If I am, other people start showing interest. At least I think, pretty sure one did that not long ago but I missed it.

My usual response to that kind of thing is being an idiot (half intentionally) which likely isn't the best course of action if anything further is desired. Then, later, I think about it and realize what was going on. Then I pull my foot (feet) out of my mouth, use one of them to kick myself, and try to move on.



willem
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02 May 2007, 12:43 am

It's because when we care, we tend to care very intensely, and that can freak people out.


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shadexiii
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02 May 2007, 12:44 am

willem wrote:
It's because when we care, we tend to care very intensely, and that can freak people out.

I understand that that could be a factor, but I'm more confused about why indifference is viewed so favorably.



willem
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02 May 2007, 12:53 am

shadexiii wrote:
I understand that that could be a factor, but I'm more confused about why indifference is viewed so favorably.


Maybe what we call "indifference" is just about the normal level of caring for NT's.


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shadexiii
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02 May 2007, 12:55 am

For me indifference is responding out of courtesy to someone when they talk to me, and nothing more. From what I've observed, that isn't "normal" levels for anyone around me. That's at the most. Minimal contact, almost zero initiated by me.



willem
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02 May 2007, 10:06 am

shadexiii wrote:
For me indifference is responding out of courtesy to someone when they talk to me, and nothing more. From what I've observed, that isn't "normal" levels for anyone around me. That's at the most. Minimal contact, almost zero initiated by me.


I think "responding out of courtesy" is the normal level of caring for NT's, unless they have a close relationship with the person talking to them. Responding out of courtesy may feel like "indifference" but it really isn't. When somebody talks to me and I really don't care about them or about what they're saying, I will either ignore them or ask them to stop talking to me. That's true indifference.


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shadexiii
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02 May 2007, 10:15 am

willem wrote:
I think "responding out of courtesy" is the normal level of caring for NT's, unless they have a close relationship with the person talking to them.
This is my point, these were not simply people I knew in passing. If I flat-out ignored them, they would have been offended. I didn't do anything more than saying hello if they said hello. Zero eye contact, since I'm not a fan and if I don't care I'm not going to punish myself for the sake of being nice to them. Again, from what I've witnessed in other people, this is not "normal" levels of caring, normal would be responding, asking some stupid question like "what's up," spending a minute talking about pointless things.

I'm not completely ignoring these people, that's childish, and that's not indifferent in that ignoring shows that you do care, but merely in a negative way. I'm simply responding at the very minimal level. While NTs often irritate me, I'm well aware that for them indifference is not the same as ignoring.

Maybe I didn't explain it well. I don't care about how the person views me, but I'm not going to be a jerk. "Jerk" is not the normal level of caring for NTs....unless you hold the view that all NTs are jerks, which is in and of itself a pretty stupid view to take.



ZanneMarie
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02 May 2007, 11:49 am

The elusive prey is always the most coveted.


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Last edited by ZanneMarie on 02 May 2007, 12:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Madeleine
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02 May 2007, 12:10 pm

all i can say is that in my oppinion, NT's want what they can't get. I have seen this lots of times with friends and past boyfriends. Ex: My ex broke up with me and after a couple of weeks I was thinking, f**k IT. and started live my own life. And just like that he came crawling back.

So I think people tend to lose the passion when they feel to secure about the other person. I believe it's just another one of the games that NT's play.


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Spot17
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02 May 2007, 4:40 pm

What about looking at it another way? Once you stop caring, you also stop analyzing what the other person is doing and things seem to be more normal between the two of you because you're taking them at face value and not analyzing everything they do.

Does this make sense or am I being too analytical? :P



shadexiii
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02 May 2007, 4:47 pm

Spot17 wrote:
What about looking at it another way? Once you stop caring, you also stop analyzing what the other person is doing and things seem to be more normal between the two of you because you're taking them at face value and not analyzing everything they do.

Does this make sense or am I being too analytical? :P


No, not too analytical, but at least in my situation that isn't the case. At least not entirely. I still analyze. I simply "give up" on the person, or a desired situation, and I'm sure that is somehow reflected in how I act. As for people that I have no history with, I guess I can see how that might be more positive, however it is for those that I do have a history with that it doesn't make any sense.

If I stopped analyzing the situation, I wouldn't think it odd that they started responding more positively based upon my indifference towards them. :P