Making and Keeping Friends

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I'm presently talking with another Aspie here about friendships. As an Aspie, what would you want and expect in a friend? What problems have you had in trying to make friends and keeping the friendship going? Me first.

I have not been able to keep any friendships going with Aspies. They reach a point where they get "disinterested" in me and leave. That is what I'm presently discussing with someone else here at the moment. I have heard this from several different Aspies that this does indeed happen. Why?

my very high standards are someone who i can have a conversation with (someone with some of the same interests as me), and doesn't call me weird.

A good question. I'm not sure I can speak for others. I try not to let people fall out of my life unless a relationship seems to peter out naturally. I think it can be hard depending on the depth of your shared interests. I have a friend of about 15 years, now, with whom I share an interest in reading and writing. However, our tastes are quite different. I like this, because I enjoy trying to understand his perspective. But, I also know I can be terrible with keeping up contact and that's partly because the connection is not so deep, even though the respect is. I hope that makes sense. It might be easier to reply if there were examples you felt comfortable sharing. For me, it's easier to become attached to people who communicate in ways I find comfortable, whether NT or ND. The more laid back they are, the better, but of course I also have to have things in common. If someone is very expressive (to me) I don't like them less, but interaction is more demanding, so it can be hard to sustain.

I'm feeling that in Aspie friendships there are no "feelings" involved. Aspies stay around as long as they are being mentally or sexually stimulated and if the other person becomes too boring then the Aspie will leave to find another "friend". Is this true?

Wow, I sure hope not. Also, that sounds very simplistic.

For me the feelings are very intense. Others may not be interested in theirs, but I've always tried to analyze and I guess systematically think about my feelings because they're usually so strong when they do happen. I've always been interested in psychology and philosophy for that reason. So I think often of those I get attached to and want to understand them. It's the social cues that are an issue. If I detach, it's probably because the feelings aren't strong or have died out, but I wouldn't say they're not involved. I probably have to work harder to not smother someone I will cry over certain memories of friends as a release of happiness and gratitude for that experience. Or certain buildings and landscapes may make me think of them and their personality, and I will cry or feel kind of overwhelmed. It can take me hours to really process and let the emotions play themselves out (at that time; not necessarily for good).

I went out with someone the other week and cried the next day because she is about twice my age, and I thought about how at some point I will be the only one with that memory, and it was such a positive experience.

At other times, I can let go if it seems practical, though I may notice that it's strange I lack the emotional response if someone's out of my life. Then again, that could just be me needing time to process their absence, which I may dwell on more in the future when it "hits" me.

I hope that helps somewhat.

Last edited by HighLlama on 04 Jul 2016, 7:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Do you have any long-term friends?

Sorry--I added more while you posted.

Long-term friends are few. There is the guy I've known for 15 years, and another friend I met when I was 12 (I'm 33 now). He lives far away now, but is moving to the next state soon. So contact is not frequent, but we go through phases of communication. I guess that's about it.

I've always been someone who prefers fewer, and closer, relationships to people. I think I find romantic relationships easier than friendships, because to me that's like the ideal friendship.

"I went out with someone the other week and cried the next day because she is about twice my age, and I thought about how at some point I will be the only one with that memory, and it was such a positive experience."

What does this mean?

But you also say that you lack emotional response if someone is out of your life. You just cried in the last paragraph. I don't get it.

Are long-term friends few because you leave or do they leave?

I have a couple of friends whom I have known over ten years.

As far as other friends are concerned: we just "drifted apart." Nobody's fault, really.

I don't really "miss" people too often.

This is what I was talking about with another person here. I don't think Aspie's know how painful it is for NT's after a friendship ends. You may think that you just "drifted apart", but the friendship may have meant a lot more to the NT person. By not having the "miss" feeling, you don't have to experience the misery of sadness that may go for years for the NT - maybe even indefinitely.

I was just telling the person I was talking to here that I'm hesitant about forming any friendship with an Aspie because I know that friendships are experienced differently for them and they always end up leaving and I get hurt. Why would I want to keep putting myself through that? I'd keep wondering "is this the day that I won't keep their interest and they are going to go to the next person more interesting?"

I was just trying to show that emotions are involved in relations with people. But, there were also times when long-term friends faded away and I didn't feel anything. Sorry for being confusing.

I think typically they leave.

There are times when people I have "drifted apart" from give me a call. And things proceed as if nothing ever "happened."

I think this is the natural way of things.

I did that just recently with my friend Mary after we stopped talking for a reason that I had no idea why. Not being friends and "drifting apart" was tearing me up inside to the point of constant worry and depression wondering what had happened. I was also scared to call because of her not talking to me for whatever reason had upset me so much that I was afraid calling her would just end in an argument. When I did call, she picked it up like "nothing had ever happened". Except it had happened and left me in a complete emotional mess that I could either correct or stay miserable since we had been friends for over 10 yrs. If that's the natural way of things, then I would prefer to be friendless.

Why was it not you who called first?