Can anyone relate?

Post Reply New Topic

All right, get ready for a long story. I woke up this morning at 4:30. This hasn't happened for a while, but I have had this happen before. Since I can remember I've had times where I had huge trouble sleeping or staying asleep. I have overcome this and now I go to bed around 9 if I can. I'm quite certain that I had bouts of depression since I was a kid.

Now I'm 27 years old and tried everything to get my life on track. I work out almost every day, watch what I eat, I enjoy feeding the birds in my backyard and try to find hobbies that make me feel good (though they never last). About half the time I'm not a normal person. I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar (runs in the family) and It's a pain in the ass, because when I think things are going well life throws me a curve-ball (in the face).

I've been visiting therapists for about 2 years now and have been diagnosed as aspergers, but I think that's the least of my problems. So what to do? I feel like there's no help. 4 therapists later I have really hit a wall. I really don't know how to go on with my life other than waking up broken, shouting at my girlfriend, being frustrated with customers and going to bed early because I'm fed up with my day. This has been my life for the pas 27 years and it's not getting better. I'm really scared I'm heading for another depression, because I own a business and can't afford to give up now.

I'm sure you guys know how I feel, but can anyone tell me what to do now? Like I said, I'm pretty familiar with depression, but I'm getting really really tired of fighting. I know there is the option of medication, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to help me. Why? Because every time I get out of a depressive episode life seems nice and I'll be okay for a little while (so I stop self-medicating). I'm not afraid of being sad (or even depressed) but the endless cycle is really getting to me and I don't know if I want to keep on riding this roller coaster for 80+ years.

So I hope someone can give me advise. What am I missing? Is there anything I can do to make life "fun"? I know I should limit stress, which is the reason I have no friends and no contact with my parents. It feels like my life a such a trade-off. I could seclude myself, go live alone in a tiny apartment somewhere safe, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't help, because when I'm manic (half the time) I tend to throw my life totally off-balance and start again (to find myself questioning everything I did a few days/weeks later.

My final problem, I don't know if it's aspergers or not, but I really have 2 faces. I'm a attractive, fun guy which is pretty seductive, but when I actually get to know the person I tend to be really rigid and unforgiving. I can't really hold a relationship. The only thing I do well is the first year. After a few months I tend to get into fights and lose myself (the last few times the police is involved) and the relationship is destroyed.

I really hope somebody is able to guide me through this. Maybe aspergers is not my biggest problem, but I'm pretty sure that things would be a lot easier if I'd be a "regular Joe".

It does seem to sound like bipolar from your description. But I'm no psychiatrist - have you tried discussing the possibility of bipolar with any of these therapists? How did they respond? Have you ever tried bipolar medications with any effects? I have an acquaintance who is bipolar and when on medication, he is completely fine. But off it, as you describe, his life is a seesaw of extremes. Could be worth a look to be sure. Many people with bipolar have great lives when it is managed properly.
For me (1) I can't keep a job. Because this has run-on effects for me. If I can't hold a job I have poverty, which leads to stagnation, which leads to drinking, which leads to illness, which leads to death.
(2) I'm confused about life. I'm frustrated by being confused. We are so often sold the idea that we have to find a "niche" and like a soulmate, this situation is something that will perfectly suit us and we'll live happily ever after. Thus, we spend all our time convinced what we have isn't valuable at all because it isn't perfect. I'm trying to reorder this, but I still get the intrusion that if I just "found my passion" everything would become clear.
(3) I can't relate to people. Which is partially why I have no friends. This is at a deep level for me, like we're different species. We may have things in common, sure, and can have good discussions if the person is bright and responsive and more than a little forgiving, but it often feels like the same level of "connection" as I would have with my sister's dog, just because we are sitting on the same mat.