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IncredibleFrog
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14 Jul 2016, 6:19 pm

I met this guy online and we used to talk everyday. He blew me off before by not responding to a text, and I didn't hear from him for a week. I was mad at him and just decided not to talk to him anymore. Later he texted me and apologized, and asked me how I was doing, what I'd been up to, asked when we could see each other again... So we've started texting again but not as much as before. It's a few days out of the week instead of everyday. When he texts me first he is usually very talkative and keeps the conversation flowing. But when I text him first I feel like he is less responsive. I asked him several times if I was bothering him and he keeps telling me I'm not. Occasionally we will be having a conversation and he will just stop responding suddenly, only to text me a couple days later and act like nothing happened. I think he has a lot going on in his life right now, but I feel like if he wanted to talk to me he'd be more responsive. Also, when we first met I noticed he used social media A LOT. Now he is rarely on and hardly ever posts or likes anything (not just my stuff, but at all). So why does he keep texting me?



Alliekit
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14 Jul 2016, 6:25 pm

He probably likes talking to you :) if he has a lot going on I wouldn't take it personally when he randomly doesn't text back. I can be like that wth my friends.



IncredibleFrog
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14 Jul 2016, 6:35 pm

Alliekit wrote:
He probably likes talking to you :) if he has a lot going on I wouldn't take it personally when he randomly doesn't text back. I can be like that wth my friends.


Thanks, I hope you're right! I actually like him as more than a friend (we met on a dating site) and he has given me mixed signals there too. I don't know if I should hold out any hope that he is still interested in me or not... But even if we remain friends that's good too.



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14 Jul 2016, 8:32 pm

IncredibleFrog wrote:
I met this guy online and we used to talk everyday. He blew me off before by not responding to a text, and I didn't hear from him for a week. I was mad at him and just decided not to talk to him anymore. Later he texted me and apologized, and asked me how I was doing, what I'd been up to, asked when we could see each other again... So we've started texting again but not as much as before. It's a few days out of the week instead of everyday. When he texts me first he is usually very talkative and keeps the conversation flowing. But when I text him first I feel like he is less responsive. I asked him several times if I was bothering him and he keeps telling me I'm not. Occasionally we will be having a conversation and he will just stop responding suddenly, only to text me a couple days later and act like nothing happened. I think he has a lot going on in his life right now, but I feel like if he wanted to talk to me he'd be more responsive. Also, when we first met I noticed he used social media A LOT. Now he is rarely on and hardly ever posts or likes anything (not just my stuff, but at all). So why does he keep texting me?


I suppose he's texting you because he likes you. Unfortunately, it's not unusual for people these days to just stop responding to texts and then not get back to the person for a while. In the early days of social media, when instant messaging was in it's infancy, I remember many discussions about what the appropriate way to terminate an online conversation was. Some people felt you should have an explicit conclusion to the conversation, and some people felt it was acceptable to just abandon it. Unfortunately the latter became more common.

However just because it's common place doesn't mean it isn't rude, and, in my experience, people most likely to do what you describe....who are talkative when they want to talk but do not invest an equal amount of interest and consideration when the other person wants to talk, tend to posses some undesirable traits, like being self centered, prone to depression, become easily bored with people, or all of the above.

Since his treatment of you bothers you, set boundaries, and if he doesn't respect him, he can find someone else to text with.



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15 Jul 2016, 1:13 am

Chronos wrote:

I suppose he's texting you because he likes you. Unfortunately, it's not unusual for people these days to just stop responding to texts and then not get back to the person for a while. In the early days of social media, when instant messaging was in it's infancy, I remember many discussions about what the appropriate way to terminate an online conversation was. Some people felt you should have an explicit conclusion to the conversation, and some people felt it was acceptable to just abandon it. Unfortunately the latter became more common.

However just because it's common place doesn't mean it isn't rude, and, in my experience, people most likely to do what you describe....who are talkative when they want to talk but do not invest an equal amount of interest and consideration when the other person wants to talk, tend to posses some undesirable traits, like being self centered, prone to depression, become easily bored with people, or all of the above.

Since his treatment of you bothers you, set boundaries, and if he doesn't respect him, he can find someone else to text with.


Thanks for the reply! I enjoy talking with him but it does bother me. For example I might say "night, talk later" and he won't respond, and I'll take that as a sign he doesn't want to talk. Then I'll hear from him anywhere from 1-7 days later, and we might talk for several days in a row before he disappears again.

How would you go about setting boundaries? I've tried to give him an "out" at least two or three times by simply ceasing to text him in case he didn't wish to continue speaking, but he always texts me eventually and we end up talking again. I've tried to bring it up before casually, mentioning how he hasn't replied to my last text or whatever, and he always apologizes, but I don't think he realizes that it's actually really upsetting me.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jul 2016, 1:19 am

Because the timing he chooses to text you might be more convenient for him than the timing you choose to text him.

Duh. :roll:

If he is not interested, he won't text or respond at all.



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15 Jul 2016, 1:49 am

IncredibleFrog wrote:
Chronos wrote:

I suppose he's texting you because he likes you. Unfortunately, it's not unusual for people these days to just stop responding to texts and then not get back to the person for a while. In the early days of social media, when instant messaging was in it's infancy, I remember many discussions about what the appropriate way to terminate an online conversation was. Some people felt you should have an explicit conclusion to the conversation, and some people felt it was acceptable to just abandon it. Unfortunately the latter became more common.

However just because it's common place doesn't mean it isn't rude, and, in my experience, people most likely to do what you describe....who are talkative when they want to talk but do not invest an equal amount of interest and consideration when the other person wants to talk, tend to posses some undesirable traits, like being self centered, prone to depression, become easily bored with people, or all of the above.

Since his treatment of you bothers you, set boundaries, and if he doesn't respect him, he can find someone else to text with.


Thanks for the reply! I enjoy talking with him but it does bother me. For example I might say "night, talk later" and he won't respond, and I'll take that as a sign he doesn't want to talk. Then I'll hear from him anywhere from 1-7 days later, and we might talk for several days in a row before he disappears again.

How would you go about setting boundaries? I've tried to give him an "out" at least two or three times by simply ceasing to text him in case he didn't wish to continue speaking, but he always texts me eventually and we end up talking again. I've tried to bring it up before casually, mentioning how he hasn't replied to my last text or whatever, and he always apologizes, but I don't think he realizes that it's actually really upsetting me.


First realize that all you can do is communicate to him that his text habits are problematic for you. He can choose to interact in a more respectful manner, or not, and if he doesn't, and you continue interacting with him, that's fine if you wish, though understand that by doing so you are accepting his behavior.

Why not talk instead of text though?



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15 Jul 2016, 2:00 am

Maybe he's a ladies man who wants to give a fair share of time to each of this fangirls.

Maybe he has a busy life.

Whatever the case, as long you are not his girlfriend, then you should not feel entitled to get a response from him /male version of katy.



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15 Jul 2016, 3:56 pm

I think it's ok to ask for certain consistency. Of course it depends on the nature of your relationship, my guy texts me good morning and good night every day . . . . .. If he misses a day I would worry that he had an accident or something had happened. Usually we text throughout the day but really I understand if he is busy or in a mood to be alone as long as I've had a good morning all is good . . . .



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15 Jul 2016, 5:10 pm

Chronos wrote:
IncredibleFrog wrote:
Chronos wrote:

I suppose he's texting you because he likes you. Unfortunately, it's not unusual for people these days to just stop responding to texts and then not get back to the person for a while. In the early days of social media, when instant messaging was in it's infancy, I remember many discussions about what the appropriate way to terminate an online conversation was. Some people felt you should have an explicit conclusion to the conversation, and some people felt it was acceptable to just abandon it. Unfortunately the latter became more common.

However just because it's common place doesn't mean it isn't rude, and, in my experience, people most likely to do what you describe....who are talkative when they want to talk but do not invest an equal amount of interest and consideration when the other person wants to talk, tend to posses some undesirable traits, like being self centered, prone to depression, become easily bored with people, or all of the above.

Since his treatment of you bothers you, set boundaries, and if he doesn't respect him, he can find someone else to text with.


Thanks for the reply! I enjoy talking with him but it does bother me. For example I might say "night, talk later" and he won't respond, and I'll take that as a sign he doesn't want to talk. Then I'll hear from him anywhere from 1-7 days later, and we might talk for several days in a row before he disappears again.

How would you go about setting boundaries? I've tried to give him an "out" at least two or three times by simply ceasing to text him in case he didn't wish to continue speaking, but he always texts me eventually and we end up talking again. I've tried to bring it up before casually, mentioning how he hasn't replied to my last text or whatever, and he always apologizes, but I don't think he realizes that it's actually really upsetting me.


First realize that all you can do is communicate to him that his text habits are problematic for you. He can choose to interact in a more respectful manner, or not, and if he doesn't, and you continue interacting with him, that's fine if you wish, though understand that by doing so you are accepting his behavior.

Why not talk instead of text though?


Well to be fair if their only interactions are online or texting.....he's not really obligated to make talking to her his main priority and be ready to drop everything and text her whenever she texts him. Maybe he has obligations aside from texting her and a life offline as well. Also maybe he has the impression that she's simply an online aquantince and nothing more since I didn't see much mention of the O.P pushing things towards spending time together in person with him.

Or maybe he doesn't like to text....some people reserve texting for relying important information and simply checking in on someone from time to time and aren't into text chatting. He might run out of things to say over text.


What boundry is she to set....'I can't talk to you anymore, if you don't text me back within an hour every time I send you a text.' ? That would be extreme even for a serious couple who lives together to expect whilst apart....let alone online acquaintances.



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15 Jul 2016, 5:27 pm

Anngables wrote:
I think it's ok to ask for certain consistency. Of course it depends on the nature of your relationship, my guy texts me good morning and good night every day . . . . .. If he misses a day I would worry that he had an accident or something had happened. Usually we text throughout the day but really I understand if he is busy or in a mood to be alone as long as I've had a good morning all is good . . . .


Ugh, I couldn't be bothered with that. It seems perfunctory. I like spontaneity.

I do think that the op can't expect someone to drop whatever they're doing to text back. That's not practical.

The thing that makes me think he does like the op is that he will get back in contact. she's not always the one initiating. He's making an effort too. That's a good sign.


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15 Jul 2016, 6:19 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Anngables wrote:
I think it's ok to ask for certain consistency. Of course it depends on the nature of your relationship, my guy texts me good morning and good night every day . . . . .. If he misses a day I would worry that he had an accident or something had happened. Usually we text throughout the day but really I understand if he is busy or in a mood to be alone as long as I've had a good morning all is good . . . .


Ugh, I couldn't be bothered with that. It seems perfunctory. I like spontaneity.

I do think that the op can't expect someone to drop whatever they're doing to text back. That's not practical.

The thing that makes me think he does like the op is that he will get back in contact. she's not always the one initiating. He's making an effort too. That's a good sign.


True. But friendships and relationships are two way things . . . . . It's about finding a compromise you are both happy with. For my case as long as I know he is safe and well each day I am happy if I hear nothing else, for other people it may be different



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15 Jul 2016, 10:40 pm

This isn't a matter of the OP expecting the guy to drop everything he's doing and respond that moment. He is abandoning the conversations and not getting back to her for over a week. That's a lot different than getting back to someone an hour later, or later that day.



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15 Jul 2016, 11:53 pm

That's how most people text though. And they're not technically dating. It's just friendly chit chat.

It's how my sister and I text. We don't add goodbye or goodnight. Our life is one long ongoing text message that we pick up on from time to time.

If a guy I was interested in got annoyed at me for texting him the same way I text my sister I'd find that a bit controlling.

I'll usually only specifically say goodnight if I am really tired and need to go to sleep. It's a heads up. Goodnight means: I'm not going to be conscious for much longer and will stop replying today.

I'm more formal in my texting with acquaintances. Real friends just pick up on the conversation. I can't be alone in this.


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16 Jul 2016, 12:29 am

hurtloam wrote:
That's how most people text though. And they're not technically dating. It's just friendly chit chat.

It's how my sister and I text. We don't add goodbye or goodnight. Our life is one long ongoing text message that we pick up on from time to time.

If a guy I was interested in got annoyed at me for texting him the same way I text my sister I'd find that a bit controlling.

I'll usually only specifically say goodnight if I am really tired and need to go to sleep. It's a heads up. Goodnight means: I'm not going to be conscious for much longer and will stop replying today.

I'm more formal in my texting with acquaintances. Real friends just pick up on the conversation. I can't be alone in this.


You aren't, but there are contexts where this is fine, and contexts where it is rude. And the OP has expressed that he doesn't seem to carry the conversation as much when she initiates it. My impression was that he is one of those people who are one sided in their relationships.

Regardless though, the OP is unhappy with the dynamic.