Can AS people love more than once ?

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Britgirl
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17 Jul 2016, 1:09 pm

Hi,

I have been dating an AS male for about 1 year (I am NT). When we first met we were both out of relationships and neither wanted anything serious. As time has gone on, our relationship has (slowly) developed. I have a draw in his house for my things,he's met my mum, we've been on holiday together and we see each other a fee times a week. He has also come out of depression (caused by the break up of his marriage)

He has told me he was in love with his ex wife and I know they met and were married within a year. He has also told me he no longer loves her.

My question is, can AS people love multiple times? He says he cares a lot for me and im the most important person in his life, but no mention of love.

I'm aware our relationship wasnt the whirlwind affair like his last, but its developed over time. It certainly wasnt love at first site, but I am now very much in love with him. We enjoy each others company, make each other laugh and both enjoy similar things (we are quite geeky and inquisitive)

He occasionally mentions long term things in passing, like adding me to his will, or children. Does this mean he does love me?

I know AS have difficulty comminicating emotions, but he has no problems comminicating that he loved his ex - that I worry he does'nt/ will never love me.

Apologies for the long message! But any advice would be greatly appreciated! :)



amdedinboro
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17 Jul 2016, 2:00 pm

Hello :)

Obviously, everyone is different. I've fallen in love multiple times, so it's certainly possible for it to happen in a person with Asperger's, generally speaking. That said, I have also definitely experienced difficulty moving on from past loves. If he was "swept up" with his first wife as you said, that sort of thing might be difficult to totally put behind him. In all likelihood it's not any indication of his feelings toward you, and perhaps not even for his ex-wife, but instead the fact of having experienced that sort of relationship with a person and going through the difficulty of things coming to an end. If their connection was a close one, it could be that she was someone he'd trusted more than he trusts most people, and I know for me as a person with Asperger's, that's something that's hard to let go of. It could be as well that he really does love you (it sounds to me like he does from the situation you describe,) but he's afraid of "taking the plunge", so to speak, as far as love, and is cautious about investing too much of himself for fear of being hurt again.

Or, for that matter, he might even just think that his feelings for you are understood without having to be said. I know for me, I feel like verbalizing certain things can be redundant when they seem like they should be obvious, so he might not realize that it's something that's important to you.

Anyway, that's just my two cents from experience :) I hope it helps in some way!

Edit: This also occurred to me. You said he talks about having "loved" his ex. But I'm guessing this is always in the context of referring to her in the third person? As in, he can clearly talk about having loved someone, but maybe it's different as far as telling the person directly, so it wasn't something he usually said to her, either?



Last edited by amdedinboro on 17 Jul 2016, 3:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

0_equals_true
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17 Jul 2016, 3:01 pm

These types of questions perplex me. What do you think the answer is going to be?

I can understand you wanting to affirm the relationship by using that word and it is not a great feeling knowing he is willing to use it for someone else.

Someone on the spectrum might ask for a definition to go by, but why do you think ability and tendency to love is so different for people on the spectrum?

I think you are asking the wrong question. The question I think you want to know is: Do you think he is going to get over his ex, and how is this going to impact the relationship as you see it?

Maybe it isn't how you would like it to be and you would need to come to understanding, if it would be fulfilling enough.



rdos
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17 Jul 2016, 3:10 pm

Yes, Aspies (NDs) can love more than once, so I think the question is a little irrelevant. Also, not all NDs are the same, so some are rather typical in the relationship context, while others are more unusual.

Personally, I cannot get a crush over time. It typically will happen rather instantly. That's also why I cannot fall in love with a friend. OTOH, a crush / infatuation will not last forever, and what counts in the longer run is attachment, which is closer to what people typically call love.

So, I think he might very well get attached to you, which is all that counts in a long-term relationship, but it is unlikely that he will get a crush / infatuation at this point, and there is not much you can do about that.

Many NDs also have trouble getting over exes, but OTOH, some of us can fall in love in somebody new without actually getting over past loves (polyamory). He might be like this too.

Edit: When I think of "love", I think of a strong crush / infatuation, so if somebody asked me about love, I'd answer it based on that. I also won't typically talk about this subject, and if asked about it by a partner, I'd give stock-answers that really are not useful for anything. I feel love is something you must show with actions, and talking about it is really not useful.



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17 Jul 2016, 5:06 pm

Britgirl wrote:
Does this mean he does love me?

Well if you want to know if someone loves you there are two ways of finding out. One is to post on a forum and ask a bunch of strangers who know neither you nor the other person. The other way is to ask the person if they love you. Now chances are both methods are probably going to be as effective as each other, but if you choose one method and don't get an answer you could always try the other.



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17 Jul 2016, 5:08 pm

Yes, we can.

As in, it's possible.


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akar4
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25 Jul 2016, 1:22 am

All the responses seem valid. Or, he may be like me. I can't differentiate love. I love everybody the same. My wife, my sister, my friends. It all feels the same to me. I still love my ex's and I'm fine not being with them. I wouldn't want to be with any of them again, I just still love them. Once I love someone, the feeling never goes away. I also have little or no feelings of jealousy. I may feel abandoned or given up on or disliked but I don't feel jealous, like someone has taken something from me that was mine. He may struggle with emotions in a similar way. It can take me weeks or even months to understand something emotional that an NT person can understand in minutes or even seconds about themselves. I agree with just asking him, but ask him first if he struggles with emotional expression and, if he does, if there's anything you can do to help. First seek to understand him, then to be understood.



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25 Jul 2016, 1:30 am

I know for me, it's very hard to say "I love you." The concept of love is actually difficult. A lot of people with AS struggle to understand and describe emotions. We still feel them, but putting them to words is extremely hard and it can take a long time before we understand them well enough to even attempt it.

Be strong, stick with it... and give him time to work through it. Be gentle about easing him into this. I know when my last girlfriend pressured me on this we nearly broke up because I felt so overwhelmed by being "forced" into it too early. It was frightening to me. Patience is very important.


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