Why are other people getting away with things I wouldn't?

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W91T
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20 Jul 2016, 10:21 am

Why do people think I'm ignoring others on purpose and not their other friends? When their friends do it they say that it couldn't have been on purpose. Why do people accuse me of being rude when I just do the same mistakes as them?

Is this a problem for people on the spectrum or is it a common problem?



AspieGuy4210
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20 Jul 2016, 3:00 pm

I have the same issue as well, and I get a lot of the cliche BS like "life isn't fair" or crap along those lines... I totally relate with you. I guess it has to deal with some double standard along with some sort of audacity, like "haha I can get away with it, but you can't just because" or stupid sh1t like that. I hate it when people do it as well, but I try to be as fair as I can, and I just pretty much feel like meh w/e people suck so I'll just live on my own damn terms, fvck them.

Oh, also I had situations where if others curse or swear, then I do the same (often in the same context), then they snub, criticize, or otherwise give me grief about it. Well, I just ignore them, continue the behavior as if nothing happened, or better yet call them out/insult them if they press on the issue. It's like damn it, treat me the same way you treat peers and stop being a damn hypocrite/double standard as5hole/b1tch. I'll most likely lose a potential "friend", but then I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who judge, snub, or treat me like a 2nd class friend or crap like that (they aren't a "real" friend) to begin with.



W91T
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21 Jul 2016, 2:05 pm

AspieGuy4210 wrote:
I have the same issue as well, and I get a lot of the cliche BS like "life isn't fair" or crap along those lines... I totally relate with you. I guess it has to deal with some double standard along with some sort of audacity, like "haha I can get away with it, but you can't just because" or stupid sh1t like that. I hate it when people do it as well, but I try to be as fair as I can, and I just pretty much feel like meh w/e people suck so I'll just live on my own damn terms, fvck them.

Oh, also I had situations where if others curse or swear, then I do the same (often in the same context), then they snub, criticize, or otherwise give me grief about it. Well, I just ignore them, continue the behavior as if nothing happened, or better yet call them out/insult them if they press on the issue. It's like damn it, treat me the same way you treat peers and stop being a damn hypocrite/double standard as5hole/b1tch. I'll most likely lose a potential "friend", but then I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who judge, snub, or treat me like a 2nd class friend or crap like that (they aren't a "real" friend) to begin with.


Yes, it's really frustrating. It seems like others can be however they want to be while we have to struggle in order to get socially accepted for absolutely no good reason. I just don't understand what they're thinking. I guess finding those who don't judge like that are true friends.



Graywalker
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22 Jul 2016, 10:03 am

Absolutely! This happens to me a lot and is very annoying.

I'm not sure its an aspie thing, but maybe we just notice it more? Do we have a more developed sense of "Fair"??

People do seem to have a lot of double standards when it comes to 'friends' - and there are just some people who can get away with doing awful things to people and those people still love them. Its weird.

I know of one person like that who I did not allow to get away with treating me like crap - and they were devastated. They couldn't understand why I didn't forgive them and be friends with them again. I said, "Doing that to people is not okay and there are consequences for your actions." Probably still didn't get it.



W91T
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22 Jul 2016, 4:29 pm

Graywalker wrote:
Absolutely! This happens to me a lot and is very annoying.

I'm not sure its an aspie thing, but maybe we just notice it more? Do we have a more developed sense of "Fair"??

People do seem to have a lot of double standards when it comes to 'friends' - and there are just some people who can get away with doing awful things to people and those people still love them. Its weird.

I know of one person like that who I did not allow to get away with treating me like crap - and they were devastated. They couldn't understand why I didn't forgive them and be friends with them again. I said, "Doing that to people is not okay and there are consequences for your actions." Probably still didn't get it.


That's maybe the big problem. They don't understand that they are doing it. It would've been nice if they did.



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23 Jul 2016, 3:59 am

Graywalker wrote:
I'm not sure its an aspie thing, but maybe we just notice it more? Do we have a more developed sense of "Fair"??


I think our sense of fairness is just naïve and more removed from the law of the jungle. We're not very good at distorting our own perception of facts for the sake of taking the stronger side and still feeling honorable and looking convincingly so.

Graywalker wrote:
I know of one person like that who I did not allow to get away with treating me like crap - and they were devastated. They couldn't understand why I didn't forgive them and be friends with them again. I said, "Doing that to people is not okay and there are consequences for your actions." Probably still didn't get it.


Status. Only an authority figure is supposed to say, "Doing that to people is not okay and there are consequences for your actions". If you're not one, they won't tolerate it, because otherwise they'd be letting you increase your status at their own expense. Their brain is probably optimized enough for status games that, as soon as they recognize the sound of your voice, they stop spending energy on parsing what you say, instead concluding you're crazy. The last thing that matters is whether your words actually made any sense—they don't care and can't be bothered to take it into account.


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23 Jul 2016, 9:09 am

Yes, this happens all the time. In elementary school, kids would always cut in line in the cafeteria, which bothered me to no end. But when I tried to do it once, people got mad and made a big stink about it.

Also, in 8th grade, I got suspended because I muttered "I'm going to kill her" when a teacher did something I didn't like. I figured it was harmless since everyone says that, but a girl heard me and told the teacher. I don't know why they can always get away with that crap and I can't.



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25 Jul 2016, 6:43 am

Recognizable that so many people have double standards. They probably know that they're doing something they shouldn't.

You're trying to figure out what is appropriate behaviour, and you look at those around you, only to find they're setting a bad example.

Years ago I read an article about bad behaviour in public, they did some surveys and found that more than half of respondents was annoyed at bad behaviour, and more than half admitted to behaving badly themselves. This means those groups overlap and shows that many judge others differently than they judge themselves.


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W91T
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26 Jul 2016, 9:41 am

Spiderpig wrote:
Graywalker wrote:
I'm not sure its an aspie thing, but maybe we just notice it more? Do we have a more developed sense of "Fair"??


I think our sense of fairness is just naïve and more removed from the law of the jungle. We're not very good at distorting our own perception of facts for the sake of taking the stronger side and still feeling honorable and looking convincingly so.

Graywalker wrote:
I know of one person like that who I did not allow to get away with treating me like crap - and they were devastated. They couldn't understand why I didn't forgive them and be friends with them again. I said, "Doing that to people is not okay and there are consequences for your actions." Probably still didn't get it.


Status. Only an authority figure is supposed to say, "Doing that to people is not okay and there are consequences for your actions". If you're not one, they won't tolerate it, because otherwise they'd be letting you increase your status at their own expense. Their brain is probably optimized enough for status games that, as soon as they recognize the sound of your voice, they stop spending energy on parsing what you say, instead concluding you're crazy. The last thing that matters is whether your words actually made any sense—they don't care and can't be bothered to take it into account.


It seems like we just have to live with it.

Grammar Geek wrote:
Yes, this happens all the time. In elementary school, kids would always cut in line in the cafeteria, which bothered me to no end. But when I tried to do it once, people got mad and made a big stink about it.

Also, in 8th grade, I got suspended because I muttered "I'm going to kill her" when a teacher did something I didn't like. I figured it was harmless since everyone says that, but a girl heard me and told the teacher. I don't know why they can always get away with that crap and I can't.


8th grade was one of the worst years, it's good that it's over at least.

GreenAsparagus wrote:
Recognizable that so many people have double standards. They probably know that they're doing something they shouldn't.

You're trying to figure out what is appropriate behaviour, and you look at those around you, only to find they're setting a bad example.

Years ago I read an article about bad behaviour in public, they did some surveys and found that more than half of respondents was annoyed at bad behaviour, and more than half admitted to behaving badly themselves. This means those groups overlap and shows that many judge others differently than they judge themselves.


That's very interesting, it kinda shows that we rather have to reflect on our own actions instead.



Aspiewordsmith
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30 Mar 2017, 1:48 pm

This sounds like a one rule for us and another rule for everyone else we getting disciplined for things that allistic people get away with or is allowed by them. That is a consequence of neuroprivilege why should an Asperger syndrome experience allistic imposed consequences that allistic people don't experience. That to me sounds like a form of endemic discrimination and ableist attitudes to 'keep us in our place'. Sounds a lot like what racists used to do to Black people in America till the 1960 civil rights acts were brought in. This is also a lot of reason to why some of us at least would not achieve the things that they dream about because of the unwritten rules and how differently they are applied for the neuropivileged and those who aren't. :idea:



Aspergers445
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31 Mar 2017, 5:11 pm

The reason why NTs get away with things that Aspies wouldn't is because NTs are idiots. They enjoy singling Aspies out and think they are the perfect ones and we are thick and stupid, etc. One thing that pisses me off is when I am walking along my road or anywhere else for that matter is people overtake me a lot and if I try to overtake others I just get moaned at and accused of having no respect for other people. One day I am going to put my foot down and tell whoever accuses me of having no manners by saying "by the way you are talking to me you are the one with no bloody manners!". I have had enough of being treated differently by people at my previous job and my stepfather. My stepfather won't accept, understand or appreciate me for who I am. If I swear he will shout at me but he does enough swearing himself and that makes me angry. He swears a lot in front of me and he doesn't care that it upsets me. If I have an autistic meltdown he just loses his temper and shouts at me. He doesn't like the fact that I have Asperger's and does everything he can to make my life miserable. Sometimes my mum sticks up for me but usually she just makes excuses for him and that's him getting away with things. As for my former boss and colleagues, they thought I was a rude, selfish b***h and thought I just ignored them and didn't care when in actual fact they ignored me a lot and acted like I didn't even exist when I tried to talk to them. It's obvious I am not going to be missed now I am no longer working for that company.



W91T
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01 Apr 2017, 5:44 pm

Aspiewordsmith wrote:
This sounds like a one rule for us and another rule for everyone else we getting disciplined for things that allistic people get away with or is allowed by them. That is a consequence of neuroprivilege why should an Asperger syndrome experience allistic imposed consequences that allistic people don't experience. That to me sounds like a form of endemic discrimination and ableist attitudes to 'keep us in our place'. Sounds a lot like what racists used to do to Black people in America till the 1960 civil rights acts were brought in. This is also a lot of reason to why some of us at least would not achieve the things that they dream about because of the unwritten rules and how differently they are applied for the neuropivileged and those who aren't. :idea:


Aspergers445 wrote:
The reason why NTs get away with things that Aspies wouldn't is because NTs are idiots. They enjoy singling Aspies out and think they are the perfect ones and we are thick and stupid, etc. One thing that pisses me off is when I am walking along my road or anywhere else for that matter is people overtake me a lot and if I try to overtake others I just get moaned at and accused of having no respect for other people. One day I am going to put my foot down and tell whoever accuses me of having no manners by saying "by the way you are talking to me you are the one with no bloody manners!". I have had enough of being treated differently by people at my previous job and my stepfather. My stepfather won't accept, understand or appreciate me for who I am. If I swear he will shout at me but he does enough swearing himself and that makes me angry. He swears a lot in front of me and he doesn't care that it upsets me. If I have an autistic meltdown he just loses his temper and shouts at me. He doesn't like the fact that I have Asperger's and does everything he can to make my life miserable. Sometimes my mum sticks up for me but usually she just makes excuses for him and that's him getting away with things. As for my former boss and colleagues, they thought I was a rude, selfish b***h and thought I just ignored them and didn't care when in actual fact they ignored me a lot and acted like I didn't even exist when I tried to talk to them. It's obvious I am not going to be missed now I am no longer working for that company.


But what's weird is that they act like this towards me even though I haven't told them about me having aspergers, maybe they see that I'm acting differently. Either way, it makes it hard for me too not to dislike them, but at the same time I want someone to change my view. I'm sorry for your situation.



Priola
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01 Apr 2017, 6:13 pm

I have the same thing going on right now. I never bother to get too attached to ppl because of this.

The older I get the more I realize I enjoy being on my own and don't want to bother with letting the drama get me.

But my parents and DH think that is wrong. They say I should forgive ppl inspite of this and go on with ppl like nothing happened. But I know what I know and socialize with those that also don't like too much drama and like being straightforward.



W91T
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01 Apr 2017, 8:10 pm

Priola wrote:
I have the same thing going on right now. I never bother to get too attached to ppl because of this.

The older I get the more I realize I enjoy being on my own and don't want to bother with letting the drama get me.

But my parents and DH think that is wrong. They say I should forgive ppl inspite of this and go on with ppl like nothing happened. But I know what I know and socialize with those that also don't like too much drama and like being straightforward.


Same. After learning that I shouldn't trust anyone at my old school, I tried to avoid getting too close to someone, then I somehow convinced myself to give them a chance, and now very I'm hesitant to get close to anyone again. I'm somehow not able to go back to the stage where I was comfortable without them. Forgiving them is probably the right thing to do, but I don't know why or how after this happpening again and again.



Priola
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02 Apr 2017, 7:30 am

W91T wrote:
Priola wrote:
I have the same thing going on right now. I never bother to get too attached to ppl because of this.

The older I get the more I realize I enjoy being on my own and don't want to bother with letting the drama get me.

But my parents and DH think that is wrong. They say I should forgive ppl inspite of this and go on with ppl like nothing happened. But I know what I know and socialize with those that also don't like too much drama and like being straightforward.


Same. After learning that I shouldn't trust anyone at my old school, I tried to avoid getting too close to someone, then I somehow convinced myself to give them a chance, and now very I'm hesitant to get close to anyone again. I'm somehow not able to go back to the stage where I was comfortable without them. Forgiving them is probably the right thing to do, but I don't know why or how after this happpening again and again.



It's a hard feeling I know. But you'll move on. Maybe find someone else to talk to. Find a me hobby. Meet new ppl.

For me ppl tend to take advantage of me being too nice and try to treat me like a doormat(if I think they want to do this I don't cut them out but just stop hanging out with them all that much). I am a nice person because I like harmony and no drama. I have a few good friends though that I like talking to from time to time. And have sort of made peace with having very lil social life. I can't even be social anymore. I feel like it tires me out. So I like spending time the way I want.



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03 Apr 2017, 2:35 am

W91T wrote:
But what's weird is that they act like this towards me even though I haven't told them about me having aspergers, maybe they see that I'm acting differently. Either way, it makes it hard for me too not to dislike them, but at the same time I want someone to change my view. I'm sorry for your situation.


I think in almost all cases for most autistic people it won't be because people know they're autistic. If it's mean people something about the way you act might make them think you're an easy victim. They'll try to take their anger out on you, manipulate you or take advantage of you.

If it's not mean people, then it's because of a misunderstanding. There are a lot of subtle unwritten rules about when and towards whom you can do what. If you do something in the wrong context people will misinterpret your intentions.
If you are close friends with someone you can be a lot more honest and direct about some things than if you are just acquaintances. Close friends will usually know if someone does something for another reason than being mean - e.g. if it's just a joke rather than a snide remark or if it's genuine criticism to help the other person. If you're just acquaintances you have to be much more careful about your wording or it'll be taken as a personal attack. Thus some autistic people might experience different reactions towards them than towards another person as unfair, even if the reason might be that their relationship to that person is different.
Another reason why the same statement might be taken in completely different ways is non-verbal communication. If you make a slightly mean joke but fail to make it sound like a joke, people will be angry because they'll think you're deliberately insulting them. Even if you point something out to help someone avoid making a mistake and sound too serious or sound arrogant people will be angry. It's all about how you say it.
Finally, how people will react to something you do or say depends on how you usually behave. If someone often engages in banter people will know not to take it too seriously. If someone never does that but suddenly decides to do so, people are less likely to know that the person wasn't serious about what they said.

If people act like something is al right if they themselves do it but not if you do it, that's just the double standards most people have, whether they are NT or ND. Many people do a lot of things because it's convenient for them to do so or because they're just lazy but it annoys them if someone else does the same because then it's not convenient for them. They're reacting to their immediate emotion without contemplating if it is fair. Or they know their own reason to do something they actually don't think is right but they also know their reason to do so and think it justifies making an exception. However, they don't know your reason. Thus you do not get an exception. Alternatively, it could be actual meanness instead of emotion or lack of awareness if they are trying to manipulate you or if they are bullies trying to make themselves feel good by putting other people down - but, again, then it's not directly because thy know about your autism but because many autistic people seem like easy targets for abusive people.