*HELP* need advice from male Aspies

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flywithme
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23 Jul 2016, 2:21 pm

Deleted as requested for confidential reasons provided by the OP.



Last edited by flywithme on 23 Jul 2016, 5:07 pm, edited 2 times in total.

rdos
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23 Jul 2016, 4:06 pm

Not sure what to think about this. Given that he had some big issue in his life, it's hard to say if he is just caught up in that and depressed, or if he actually has lost interest in you. I think you need to do further "research" on what is going on.



aspiemike
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23 Jul 2016, 4:25 pm

It really is hard to say what it is. Maybe he is too stressed to handle a relationship. Regardless of what the truth is when it comes to you and him loving eachother, it sounds like both of you need to work out your own personal issues


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kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2016, 5:43 pm

Is your husband seeing someone, too?

No judging here. What made you lose interest in your husband? Has he been abusive to you?

I understand why you feel for this other guy; it's so almost like you were childhood sweethearts.

The other guy seems like he is confused about things, and I don't sense that you will be happy with him. But I understand your attachment to him.



HighLlama
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23 Jul 2016, 5:52 pm

Unfortunately, I can relate, flywithme. I seem to be going through something similar. It's hard when the other person won't tell you just what's going on.


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wilburforce
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23 Jul 2016, 6:17 pm

Unless you are a clinical psychiatrist/psychologist you are not qualified to diagnose anyone with ASD. Your suspicions about him being on the spectrum may be completely unfounded.


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flywithme
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23 Jul 2016, 6:17 pm

Hey there thank you so much for all of the comments... My husband is not abusive but he did something that jeopardized our marriage... Let's just say he made one bad critical decision... lol I know.... funny that I say that, right? I have no right to say that. My husband has a high paying job and we are in 20's but already has a house in a city and a nice car blah blah. But money doesn't matter to me anymore... He can all have it. I just want to get away and start fresh. I have a very sensitive soul especially to those I cherish a lot.... From reading a lot of postings here, I feel a bit hopeless and becoming pessimistic. Apparently, Aspies can just cut away people they are attached to and move on without being too upset about it? Even overnight? That is very traumatizing to hear....



kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2016, 6:20 pm

That can go for any person, unfortunately, even "normal" people.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you'll be on the streets without a home. Are you saving some money?

Do you still have feelings for your husband? My sense is that you feel like you want to move on. My hope is that you both don't feel vengeful towards each other. And that, ideally, you both could remain friends and feel respect towards each other.



flywithme
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23 Jul 2016, 6:31 pm

No I won't be living on the street. Thank you for your concern though :)
I am actually going to his city again in August for work but I really don't want to go.
It will be too sad because I know I can't contact him. The memories will hunt me when I am there.



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23 Jul 2016, 6:39 pm

I actually read all that... surprisingly... and...

From an autistic male's standpoint who has never been in a relationship, when I get stressed, I want to be left alone and I isolate. This could be relevant since judging from your post he hasn't had many relationships and neither have I so maybe he is indeed thinking like me. When I am going through tough stuff, I can go months isolating which I am doing now. I think you should give him a chance if you care about him but I also think you should prepare yourself to walk away.

Basically hold the scissors to the cord but don't cut it yet...



ShesGone
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23 Jul 2016, 6:45 pm

dcj123 wrote:
..... when I get stressed, I want to be left alone and I isolate.
In my case, most time I want to be left alone. (which is why I conclude I don't deserve any relationships.)


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dcj123
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23 Jul 2016, 6:49 pm

ShesGone wrote:
which is why I conclude I don't deserve any relationships.


This is a good way to think about this person in your life OP if you do in fact want to cut the cord.



dcj123
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23 Jul 2016, 7:06 pm

dcj123 wrote:
ShesGone wrote:
which is why I conclude I don't deserve any relationships.


This is a good way to think about this person in your life OP if you do in fact want to cut the cord.



Hm...

That actually came out a lot more offensive than it needed to but let me explain. Relationships are two way streets, if you love him enough to suffer for him then he needs to love you enough to suffer for you. Autism is not an excuse, it may very well be the reason for a lot of relationships not working out but its never an excuse. I hate to be cold but you can't remove natural consequences for someone with autism. The natural consequence of blowing someone's text off is that person not texting you anymore. It sucks and I wish this wasn't the case but that is just the way the world works. Ask yourself, are you really going to be happy with what maybe a one sided relationship? Him having autism could explain a lot of his behavior but it doesn't excuse it. Mercy and grace only go so far under any circumstances.

I do believe autism hurts peoples ability to have relationships but the sad reality of it is relationships are again two way streets. I mean I have never been in a relationship but its my opinion that you'll only get exhausted trying to please someone else who can't meet your basic needs.

To the point, your justified in whatever you do. Show him mercy and see if a relationship can happen or leave, those are your only choices in my opinion.



flywithme
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23 Jul 2016, 7:11 pm

Thank you dcj123.
I guess I can kind of see things in his point of view.
He smokes half a pack of cigarettes and sleeps only 4~5 hours per day during the week... When I saw him, his eyes were bloodshot. I think the field he is studying currently is very stressful and competitive.

I work in the airline industry and it gets very lonely which is fine... (hence why I could just fly to any cities)
I am not a needy person but I would like a stable relationship.
I was ready to give up everything for him but I feel like I am not that important in his life right now.



kraftiekortie
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23 Jul 2016, 7:22 pm

I get the feeling that you admire his seriousness in what he pursuing.

Thats quite laudable.

Do you work as a flight attendant?



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23 Jul 2016, 7:27 pm

The danger is in always seeing it from the other person's view, whether aspie or not.
There's a risk of sacrificing one's own needs which can lead to a growth in resentment and mental exhaustion from all the energy expended in just being generous and/or giving.

That way lies pain, being taken for granted, lack of respect received and so much more...

Stop. And think of what this situation is doing to your peace of mind and question whether it's worth the angst.
Your situ sounds unenviable, to say the least. I'd worry more about yourself and consider hard whether it's worth falling any further down the rabbit hole you find yourself in.