Help me show my sad aspie friend that I care

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 502
Location: Uk

09 Aug 2016, 3:22 pm

I have a very special close friendship with an aspie man. Yesterday his dog had to be put down. I know he adored his dog, and that he must be devastated. He did not tell me I only found out when I saw it posted on his Facebook. He had text me goodnight and good morning as usual although been a bit quieter all day today. How do I let him know that I'm thinking of him and I really care without making him want to run and hide from the emotions. Also should I take it personally that he didn't tell me individually? Thank you



Lost_in_Fear
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 28 Jul 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 9
Location: US

09 Aug 2016, 3:40 pm

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your friends loss, for alot of people loosing a pet is like loosing a parent. I'm aspie and when I'm really upset over something it's hard for me to process my emotions, sometimes I'm completley overwhelmed and numb others I'm just a mess. If I lost my dog I can tell you for sure I would be in so much pain. When ever I'm feeling like that my girlfriend is amazing at helping me feel better, even if it's just by taking me out somewhere fun or putting on a funny movie and eating icecream.....Point is she does anything to help get me out of my head as I have a hard time letting go of my emotions and negative thoughts.

So if it was me I would reccomend just telling him how sorry you are for him, reassure him you care about him very much and do anything you can think of to help distract him from his emotions.....that's just me though some aspies just need time to be alone and process the pain. Maybe start with a simple text saying you saw his facebook status and let him know you're sorry to hear his dog passed and maybe offer to hang out with him to get his mind off things.

Don't take it personally though, if I'm going through some tough s**t it usually consumes me for way too long and even though I have a tendency to just ramble about my situation he probably does just the opposite and just needs a little learn how to move on.

I hope that helps some, I'm not the best at giving advice so take it all with a grain of salt....again I'm really sorry and I hope you're able to connect with him soon and help him feel better.



Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 502
Location: Uk

09 Aug 2016, 4:00 pm

I think you give great advice- thank you. Yes I text him straight away and he answered but obviously didn't want to talk about it. I sent him big hugs and said I would leave him in peace and make him cakes (cakes always make everything better don't they) he is now chatting to me but keeping it very light and chatty so I am following his lead and doing the same.

I have a dog I adore so can only imagine the pain he is feeling. My normal instinct would be rush around there and hug him hard but I know aspies often need time and distance to process their feelings. I appreciate all advice many thanks again



somanyspoons
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Jun 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 995

09 Aug 2016, 4:33 pm

Anngables wrote:
I think you give great advice- thank you. Yes I text him straight away and he answered but obviously didn't want to talk about it. I sent him big hugs and said I would leave him in peace and make him cakes (cakes always make everything better don't they) he is now chatting to me but keeping it very light and chatty so I am following his lead and doing the same.

I have a dog I adore so can only imagine the pain he is feeling. My normal instinct would be rush around there and hug him hard but I know aspies often need time and distance to process their feelings. I appreciate all advice many thanks again


Please don't assume that all people on the spectrum don't like touch. Many of us do, especially if you ask us if its OK first. (Doing so makes it so that we aren't shocked, and so that we know if its just a friendly touch.)

Its OK to tell your friend that your first instinct is to rush over there and hug him, but you are worried that he wouldn't like it. But make sure you follow that statement up with an inquiry as to whether this is true for him. NTs would correct someone automatically. But when people make wrong assumptions about me, I often end up tongue tied about who to correct them. I get worried about creating conflict.



Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 502
Location: Uk

09 Aug 2016, 4:36 pm

We have known each other a year so I have already learnt a lot about him. Touch is difficult for him, but he does give the best hugs when he chooses too. My feeling is that he would hate me to smother him with emotions at the moment . .. . . Trying to take his lead. Hopefully will get a hug tomorrow when I deliver cakes



somanyspoons
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 3 Jun 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 995

09 Aug 2016, 4:53 pm

Anngables wrote:
We have known each other a year so I have already learnt a lot about him. Touch is difficult for him, but he does give the best hugs when he chooses too. My feeling is that he would hate me to smother him with emotions at the moment . .. . . Trying to take his lead. Hopefully will get a hug tomorrow when I deliver cakes


Sounds nice. :)

Long term, once he's had some time to grieve the dog, just make sure that your needs are met in the relationship, too. This is best done with many aspies by verbalizing what those needs are, and asking if they would be OK with that, or if they can agree to that. We need close relationships and that means caring about the NT's needs too. Many of us just need a little help recognizing those needs and an invitation (not a demand) to take on the role of filling them. I'm sure you already know this, but its not all Sheldon Cooper and sets of unreasonable housemate rules. Some of us are down right squishy.



Anngables
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 502
Location: Uk

10 Aug 2016, 5:12 pm

Thanks for your input. I hope I'm getting this right. I am being there for him and spending a lot of time trying to make him smile. Cakes did help too. I'm also giving him space so not texting and messaging until he initiates. Hopefully he will feel better soon