taboo topics

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Here's an interesting article to bring up in conversation the next time one goes out to dinner with an NT.

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/dermatology/messages/31033.html

Once when I was living in Philly, I met a good friend from college at a restaurant in center city for lunch. She was in her 2nd year of med school. We talked about the different types of diarrhea for the whole meal. I didn't think anything of it until she said she hoped we weren't making the people at nearby tables sick. Then she told me I should be the one in med school b/c I have such an encyclopedic knowledge of so many medical (and non-medical) things.

Well, speaking of taboo topics! I just fled from the General discussion forum, because some kid is posting about how he hates "old people, disabled, etc." My reply might piss him off, but I cannot believe he is posting such on an Aspie website! God, now I am upset.

I just posted my opinion on the same thread. Don't worry, I got your back! I wasn't quite as nice as you were!!

Thanks!

One time I said "I guess if you're going to kill someone it should be a kid, because it's not like they're real people yet."


Oops! Should have not said that! And that was IRL.

I've learned that certain illnesses shouldn't be talked about. I have Crohn's colitis, an intestinal disease. A person can talk about cancer, diabetes or heart disease and start quite the conversation, but talk about a disease that involves diarrhea, constipation and various weird surgeries and it will clear a room or at the very least get everyone to be quiet.

You remember that famous passage in Henry V: Act IV, scene one where Bates tells the disguised King Henry that if the King's "cause be wrong, our obedience to the King wipes the crime of it out of us."

There's a shameless game of moral chicken that war supporters play in which they dare opponents to say the war is a mistake because, they claim, saying so would then dishonor all the men and women who've already died in its cause.

So to spare the dead that ignominy, kill many more of our children. All to avoid swallowing that bitter pill. But I think there's a converse to Bates' argument that I agree with, though I disagree with his claim about the moral reckoning. And that is that the service and the sacrifice wash the death clean of the folly of the leaders ordered them into the battle.

And of course this drama gets played out ... what, two, three times a day? Often more. Each time no less shattering for the family involved.

I can't say a thing about the occupation of Iraq at work, I can't even mention it is an occupation instead of a 'war'. I don't know anyone to talk to about it here in the Red City in a RED county where I live (interestingly enough, in a BLUE state) it is TABOO.

Merle


_______________________________________
"When fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross"
- Sinclair Lewis

Had this discussion with my boyfriend (AS...I'm not) in regards to 'club meets' we'd have with car clubs, and why people didn't receive him so well.

It comes down to learning how much to say, I think. In regards to taboo subjects:

a) Don't talk too much at one given time...ie; don't spill a novel or two every time you speak, and

b) Don't give away too much information.

The biggies here are sex, money, politics and religion. People are EXTREMELY sensitive and opinionated in these areas (if you're straight, imagine someone talking overtly about anal sex between two men. Or if you're Christian, a couple of people blathering about how wonderful another religion is instead). There are some things you keep between yourself and those that are very close to you.

For talking in groups... Eg: sitting in a circle with a group of mates, having dinner with an array of colleagues, etc...

- Don't TALK too much. Group discussion is like a dance, not a forum. On forums, we can say as much as we please in one post because readers read at different speeds and times. No such luck IRL, it's all impromptu.

The rules of engagement are sort-of natural to an NT (no surprise) so the group was always thrown by my man's method of interaction, but I knew exactly what was happening and how to correct it. First thing I taught him was that in this dance, you have to make one star move to catch people's interest and ONLY continue if they want you to. Get in there with one or two appropriately-timed sentences, make them interesting.

Watch people's eyes if you can, this is important. Do they look you in the eye for extended periods while you talk, or do they avoid looking at you? Gaze avoidance in this situation is disinterest...this means that, keep talking, and they'll think you're an idiot. Stop, try again later with something else. Is it IMPERATIVE that they hear what you're about to say, or do you just feel like sharing?

If it's of interest to them, blatantly, keep talking. If not, hush. Wait your turn again. After all, everyone gets a turn. You'll notice there's always one or two star players in the group that ALWAYS get to tell long stories and be the centre of attention. These people, usually, are already respected by the group or have a good method of making what they have to say interesting and relevant to everyone. Read the signs well, and you'll find it easy enough to get to do that every now and again.

First off, try with just ONE or TWO sentences/phrases...don't rabbit on like a pork chop! IF and only IF people are showing you a little interest (remember it's 90% SILENT with NTs, you have to see if they're looking at you or if their body is facing you...otherwise it's a sound that lets you know), do you continue. If they look away, you've lost them. Try again later.

- Don't SAY too much. Remember those taboo subjects (and anything else controvercial you know is relevant to the group, eg: skin colour, abortion, alcohol, etc) and remember NOT to say to much in regards to them. Avoid bringing them up at all if possible, let someone else do it.

In regards to things that are not taboo, but potentially controvercial, just don't say so much on them. People don't need to know your lifelong bibliographical opinion on money, income and taxes. If it comes up, sure, say a little, but no big rants on tender subjects.

Remember that some things said blatantly or honestly (a strength of the Aspie mind - being straight to the point, no sugar-coating) can be very hurtful. Sometimes it IS indeed EXTREMELY important to coat things with a little sugar if they need to be said at all. I'm certain a few of us here would feel VERY uncomfortable if someone start talking about mental disorders and then started carrying on as if AS is a mental 'disorder', and then very hurt if they started speaking ill of the condition! I certainly get annoyed with such talk to no end, and I'm not even AS

It's best to think, a) does it need to be said at all?, and b) if it's said, what's the best way to say it without throwing a brick at someone's face? It's a case of training oneself not to blurt things out without giving it a second's thought, and eventually learning generically what will be received well and what won't.



Remember, sticking one's foot in one's mouth isn't just common amongst people here. We NTs do it all the time too, accidentally insult or offend someone (hell, the number of times I've been irked by asian comments...or even being referred to as asian...GOOD way to offend me, I'm half CHINESE not generically ASIAN!). It's an everyday thing...knowing how to extract one's foot, and then avoid putting it in one's mouth again in the future is an art we ALL have to learn

I probably come across as 'weird' to people because I alternate between being pretty quiet (coping mechanism) and blathering on about things, on the rare occasions when I'm in a really social situation. I do have 'good days' where I seem to manage a good balance, but I can never count on it. I'm more comfortable with just a couple or three people, anyway, that I know well.