I have a question to ask autistic people

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Dear Jute, I get that, I mean wanting to be by yourself and preferring that to being around others. The important thing is that you're true to yourself, and content. At the same time, you are here on a social forum, and you even set up a forum yourself (which I took a look around just now), which does reach out to people. Is it different if you don't have to see those people face-to-face? For me it's a greal deal less intense, and there is always a very easy escape (get up from the computer and walk away).

I asked about your past, you didn't really answer - should I take this as a cue that you don't want to discuss it with a total stranger on a public forum?

I have a link to a forum in my signature but I didn't set it up and I'm no longer active there. I joined this forum simply to kill time. There's so little else to do online that doesn't cost money. At some point I'll get bored with this forum and quit it.

I've never felt any emotional bond to anyone at any point in my life. I've had aquaintances, when it's been of benefit to me. I use people, just as they in turn use me, but I'm open about it, I don't tie it up in a pink bow and call it something that it isn't. The only point in my life when I gave thought to how otehr view me was when I was at school and being continually bullied for being a ret*d and a queer. I didn't change how I behaved in any way, I simply played truant.

I guess the answer is as you have found it, to just have contact where it's necessary, and spend time alone as that's your natural inclination..also it sounds to me like you have been let down, betrayed by people who should have protected you, though maybe some of that was when you might have been to young to remember it. This does not really make for a trusting loving approach to others, if I may say it.. forgive me if I am presumptuous.

On bullying, I've given the subject a lot of thought for the simple reason that my son was bullied till i finally took him out of school altogether last year. It was probably pretty mild compared to usual bullying standards (though it had an immediate and devastating effect on him), in any case it was completely denied by the school - I realised that when they talk of 'zero tolerance' what they actually mean is that they have zero tolerance towards anyone daring to insinuate that such a thing could exist in their school the little support I got (to try to protect him in the playground, that simple) turned out to have made him feel there was something wrong with HIM, when it was very clear to me that the problem was endemic to the institution, if not to our society as a whole - though this only came to me later.

I worked in that school, so I had quite a good view (a private international school, with a really good reputation also for addressing 'special needs', which had scored 'excellent' on every criteria in its review. Ha ha). And I can tell you, in that cafeteria at lunchtime, I could smell the fear. I wanted to sit with every scared, lonely child i saw, though that would have made their plight worse. And the laughing, smiling ones were usually just as scared as the lonely ones - the conformism, the 'about-turn' as every opinion that may have not sounded really cool and clever, the pending fall from grace, the potential plummet to the social bottom occupied by those unfortunate few - that was even worse to see. The only kids who were okay were those who had a core group, 2 friends to cushion them from the world, to create an impenetrable safe pod. I wanted to destroy the place, I still want to destroy this system that allows children to be manipulated and terrified every day of their lives. And I am told it makes them strong. No, it doesn't make them strong, it teaches them it's not safe to be yourself, and it doesn't go away after they leave. We justify it because if we don't, we've f****d up big time. If we admit what we've done, the grief might kill us. And what are the alternatives? Not everyone can do what I've done, I know how privileged I am. My son is still now defined largely by what happened to him, and that was only a few months he was in that situation. After a year the effects are slowly leaving him, though god have we had to deal with some major (and quite justified) rage! We, I mean collective we, really have to face reality. I mean real reality, not all that blah blah Real Life stuff, which basically means adjusting, conforming and taking your place as unquestioning part of the machine.

Sorry, I've done the usual rant, haven't I? The reason it took me a long time to reply here is because I suspected the topic might set me off on one....

I really wonder, if I had not had a child who taught me about what's really important in life, where I'd be now? I suppose this is what I mean when I talk about autism as a positive force, though I know (or can maybe just begin to imagine) how much suffering it entails for those who live it. Don't we really need people who just can't do it? Who just can't live the insane life we've prescribed for ourselves? Who can maybe even show others (like their mothers, for example) just how insane and off-the-rails it all is....

autistic people having "super empathy" is a lie.

im autistic (diagnosed) and i know my empathy is terrible and almost non-existent at times. i see it in my fellow autist too, most us do have theory of mind impairment and even a lack of affective empathy.

At the risk of being off topic, I totally know what you mean here. In the past few years, I've learned a technique for giving advice that seems to make it much more well received for me.

I used to say stuff all the time like, "Oh, you should try XYZ," or "Why don't you just do ABC?" Instead, the idea of this technique is to ask more questions about the situation, if in fact the person confirms that they even want to talk more about it. I share solutions that worked for me or for someone I know, without saying, "You should try this." I sometimes add, "Would anything like this make sense for you?" If the answer is no, then I learn even more about the situation and haven't directly given unwanted advice.

If I don't have a story or anecdote to share, I'll be more careful about asking, "Are you looking for advice?" because they might just say no, that they want to vent or find someone who understands, or something similar. If they're open, or if they asked for advice, I ask stuff like, "What do you think would happen if you tried ABC?"

Sometimes when people are so sensitive to others emotions or how others make them feel, they close themselves off to protect themselves and their self-esteem and self worth. They become withdrawn and it's not because they don't care, it's because they cared too much and were hurt.

For instance, a guy who is sensitive to the pain of failure with women whenever he tries to make a move. Because of repeated rejection, he decides that talking to women is no longer worth it. He no longer pursues women and appears to show no interest in getting a girlfriend when quite the opposite is true.

Yes.