I doubt anyone would give a s**t. But here it goes. I already hate the fact I have AS because I feel like I'm alone and feel like I've been given expectations and standards by family and people to live up to without knowing it. I know I'm stressful to my family, I know I'm emotionally unavailable because I repeat the same stories about my trauma and I know people have limits. My mom has told me why she became emotionally unavailable because I always repeat the same story and I told her why I became emotionally unavailble. Thing is I still need help from a lot trauma so it doesn't hurt as much and can move foward. I know it's all my fault for not moving on, not being thoughtful of others or relating to others, not being accountable when I know I do take accountability. I know what I'm doing. I hide behind the AS label because I haven't been able to cope with much.
I have severe anger problems. I know at this point I should have been behind bars for my criminal history and anger. It doesn't help that I'm still on disability when I want to function like go to school, have a part time job and my own place even if it's low income for now and that my criminal history plus questionable job history makes it hard to get a part time job just to support myself and contribute to society. I do have plans to leave Milwaukee and Wisconsin and not come back unless I need to, anyway. For me my severe anger problems has led to very strained and toxic family relationships a crimimal history where jobs are hesistant to hire.
I hate the fact my mom always tells me that "I've made myself feel alone." I know I do. But I haven't accepted the fact she's changed because I'm still scared of her and I don't want to say that to her. I was so used to her yelling at me a lot when I was younger. So it's been a hard time. I know I'm stressful to her and I am myself. I know she understands how I feel at some things. I tell her she doesn't understand, because I'm at that age where I shouldn't have to be stressed like I am.
She's working to get me into a low income housing. But my thing is I don't want to always be on disability. I don't wamt to be in Wisconsin or come back because, it's tough when you're black in Wisconsin because it's like the state expects you to be a satistic and I don't want to be. I'm not liking the fact I want to do graphic design and I know Wisconsin is a joke place salary wise to be at. But I've hated Milwaukee just about my whole life. So if I have to go to school to make sure that's one step closer for me to get out. It's worth it, Milwaukee is a toxic place for me.
Well the good thing is that I'm seeing a therapist hopefully, as well as taking a anger management workshop while I finish my probation and work on getting my record expunged where I can. I need all the financial aid I can possibly get with scholarships. Plus a part time job. Though I wish I made better choices in the past. I can make them now and the future. I just wish when I was diagnosed with AS I didn't resist the help socially or anything that would benfit me. Cause I feel like I have put my life in shambles.
Before anyone pulls that "Serenity Prayer" or anything religion stuff for advics. Don't. I'm Agnostic borderlining Atheist.
_________________
*Midori Gurin voice* I'm that one random Alice in Chains (mainly Sean and Jerry...Okay all of them.) fangirl mixed with other fangirl type stuff or nah...Okay, I am.
*goes back on phone thinking of first cosplay ideas*
03 Sep 2016, 7:41 am
