I don't lack social intuition, but I do lack social confiden

Post Reply New Topic

A few months ago a girl at work left to have a baby, and now she's back. But I assume I'm the only one in the whole workplace who didn't bother to ask her about her baby.

My social instinct tells me that having a baby is a big thing and that I should ask her how her baby is, what she named it, etc. But a sort of social anxiety comes over me at the thought of asking her. Now I worry that I seem like an uncaring and distant person, or too stupid to even know that she left to have a baby.

To be fair I don't know her that well, and I've only ever said hi or hello to her before, and maybe the odd joke or small talk. Otherwise, I don't know her really, and she doesn't know me really.

So should it matter too much if I haven't asked her how she and her baby is, if we don't know each other that well? I just get shy when asking personal questions to people I don't know very well. I'm afraid of it looking forced.

For me, I have a "rule database" in my head, that tells me what I should do in various situations. As an example, if someone at work recently returned from a vacation and I have a question to ask them (that is work-related), I know (based upon rules), that when I approach them, I should ask them about their vacation. I should wait for a certain time (to allow them to respond). And, then, I should ask them my real question. Of course, I don't care at all about their vacation. I just ask so that I am not rude (and so they will be OK sharing the important work-related information with me). Is that social instinct? I have no clue.

I struggle with this too but I don't know if it's the anxiety or the AS or both because I have no idea if I should do this or that or if I will be intrusive or ask too many questions. I have annoyed people in the past and it was blamed on me by my therapist and I would try and act like how everyone is acting only to be shot down for it. Now I am kept to myself and don't interact much with others. I just don't know the rules and other people seem to know them. But how can one tell if they have this issue because of the anxiety or because they have a hard time with social intuition? My mother has called this PTSD but my therapist said the opposite when I was in high school so I don't know. It's a matter of me socially screwing up as a child and getting bad results from it by other kids and my mom seems to be missing that part. To her I was perfect (not literally but I hope you know what I mean) so she was always on my side about how other kids treated me and would say this was all temporary and pretty soon I will be out of school and this will all end. Her other excuse was "they're just children" and her other excuse was "Because you have anxiety." I wasn't having anxiety when kids were "mean" to me and when I was being social.

I have been thinking about maybe try and play a game here, let's see how many people I can annoy and piss off just by talking and interacting. Then I might know for sure. I don't know how different adults act than kids when you don't follow the social rules and if you miss social cues.

Sounds rather like me. I play a very defensive game socially, I mostly avoid risking anything that might offend or upset people, so what they see is a very diluted version of who I am. Though if I know somebody well and have made some inroads into building a few bonds with them, and found out a bit about where they're actually at as individuals, I can be more confident and proactive with them, especially if I find out that their values and preferences match with mine pretty closely. And I'll take more risks with the written word, where I can take my time to get the wording right and to assess the risks.

I've also got quite a strong aversion to asking people questions about the things they're interested in if I'm not naturally interested in the same thing. Somehow I feel very phony if I try to do that, and if I sense people are asking me questions just for the sake of "being sociable," I tend to feel as if I'm being manipulated. If they're not truly interested, I'd rather they didn't ask.

I hope it wouldn't matter much if the OP didn't ask about the new baby. The chances are that the mother is already enjoying a lot of interest from other people, and she might even find it a refreshing change if somebody discussed other matters with her. I've done similar things, and not asked the obvious of people, but they haven't particularly held it against me. I think it's important not to be too scared of failing to pander 100% to the supposed rules of imaginary neurotypicals. People in general aren't extremely rigid and are likely to readily forgive a few sins of omission.