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hollowmoon
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11 Sep 2016, 3:10 pm

So here's a list of some rules I have learned within the past year (I'm 21). I had a friend who would constantly correct my social errors, and I was learning so much. She's moved, but I'm still seeking to learn. Feel free to add on.. NT's and Aspies

- I'm busy is a code word for not interested
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses
- If this happens you are suppossed to leave the person alone, if you don't they will get very angry
- People are speaking in code often (I still have not broken the code)
- When somebody offers to pay for you, you should insist to pay
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.
- You are only allowed to cry silently in front of other people
- People lie to be polite
- In order to begin a conversation you are supposed to smile first, then if the person smiles back you can begin talking.
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
-Nt's decide if they like you the first few seconds of meeting you
-Nt's first impressions are based off clothes and facial expression- and thats it, it doesn't matter what you say or who you are on the inside
-Don't interrupt people when they are talking to someone else
-If you bring something to a potluck, it is polite to leave it there- not take the leftovers home.
- When you first meet someone you are supposed to engage in small talk, being quiet and not asking any questions is considered rude.



dianthus
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11 Sep 2016, 4:05 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


This is just so bizarre when people say the EXACT opposite of what they mean. I will never believe that we are the ones who have a problem for not understanding it. I don't care if they comprise the majority, that is just dysfunctional behavior.



kraftiekortie
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11 Sep 2016, 4:49 pm

In my experience, if somebody says "you should come," they usually, but not always, mean it.

If a man offers to pay for a woman, it means he wants to date her, usually. A man might even become offended if you refuse to let him pay. This is less true with younger people.

It is not always easy for NTs to make friends.

Sometimes, especially when a person is older, they care less about your clothes, and more about what you say. You should dress in clean clothes, though.

Sometimes, people might nod their heads instead of smiling. I think the smiling thing happens more between females.

"First impressions" are important--but a bad first impression is not always a deal-breaker.

The other items are true, based on my experience.



RabidFox
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11 Sep 2016, 4:51 pm

Hi there! :D

I'm not trying to come off as rude, but I disagree with some of the things that your friend has taught you. I hope my input helps.

hollowmoon wrote:
- I'm busy is a code word for not interested


This can be true when you are face to face, but, on the internet, it frequently means that the person really is saying that they are busy. Lots of people multi-task when they are online.

hollowmoon wrote:
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses


I've never heard of this.

hollowmoon wrote:
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.


I don't know why your friend told you this one, because, in my experience, the person really does want you to come along.

hollowmoon wrote:
- In order to begin a conversation you are supposed to smile first, then if the person smiles back you can begin talking.


I've never heard of this either.

hollowmoon wrote:
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
-Nt's decide if they like you the first few seconds of meeting you
-Nt's first impressions are based off clothes and facial expression- and thats it, it doesn't matter what you say or who you are on the inside


Even "normal" people can have a hard time making friends. I've never known anyone that determines friendship based on a feeling they are having. Usually, people want to get to know you before deciding that you are a friend. And they really honestly don't base their impressions on what you're wearing and your facial expression. That doesn't even begin to be enough information. They want to know about you.



Last edited by RabidFox on 11 Sep 2016, 4:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Grammar Geek
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11 Sep 2016, 4:53 pm

If someone offers to pay for me, I'm going to damn well let them pay for me. I hate these "politeness wars" with a passion, e.g. "I'll pay." "No, I'll pay." "No, let ME pay." "No, I'm not going to let you pay!" Ughhhh these make me sick.



morugin
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11 Sep 2016, 4:56 pm

i used to get so confused when people rejected me politely.
they say "i'm busy".
i would try to use logic and ask why they are busy or if another time would work.
i was persistent with trying to find a solution because they would not say "i don't like you".
then they got mad at me, when they were the ones lying and rejecting me.

in response to another poster, people do decide whether they want to be friends with you in an instant and it is based on a feeling. you want to get to know only the people you are considering becoming friends with.



Dr.Pepper
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11 Sep 2016, 5:31 pm

I wish there were a book of social rules. I'm still learning, still get confused by people. Some on that list I wasn't aware of. I consider myself well-socialized so it's surprising. A book would help me fill in any blanks I wasn't aware of.



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11 Sep 2016, 5:33 pm

hollowmoon wrote:
So here's a list of some rules I have learned within the past year (I'm 21). I had a friend who would constantly correct my social errors, and I was learning so much. She's moved, but I'm still seeking to learn. Feel free to add on.. NT's and Aspies

- I'm busy is a code word for not interested
- when somebody does not want to be friends with you they will say "I'm busy" and come up with excuses
- If this happens you are suppossed to leave the person alone, if you don't they will get very angry
- People are speaking in code often (I still have not broken the code)
- When somebody offers to pay for you, you should insist to pay
- When somebody says "You should come" they are not being sincere, they are being polite and you are supposed to decline.
- You are only allowed to cry silently in front of other people
- People lie to be polite
- In order to begin a conversation you are supposed to smile first, then if the person smiles back you can begin talking.
-Nt's make friends by a "feeling" and its very easy for them
-Nt's decide if they like you the first few seconds of meeting you
-Nt's first impressions are based off clothes and facial expression- and thats it, it doesn't matter what you say or who you are on the inside
-Don't interrupt people when they are talking to someone else
-If you bring something to a potluck, it is polite to leave it there- not take the leftovers home.
- When you first meet someone you are supposed to engage in small talk, being quiet and not asking any questions is considered rude.


I learned the same things recently, but I still have a hard time leaving people alone when they seem to ignore me.

And what do you mean by code?



nurseangela
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11 Sep 2016, 5:44 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
In my experience, if somebody says "you should come," they usually, but not always, mean it.

If a man offers to pay for a woman, it means he wants to date her, usually. A man might even become offended if you refuse to let him pay. This is less true with younger people.

It is not always easy for NTs to make friends.

Sometimes, especially when a person is older, they care less about your clothes, and more about what you say. You should dress in clean clothes, though.

Sometimes, people might nod their heads instead of smiling. I think the smiling thing happens more between females.

"First impressions" are important--but a bad first impression is not always a deal-breaker.

The other items are true, based on my experience.


Sometimes I think you're NT Mr. K. - or at least half and half. Are you diagnosed?


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kraftiekortie
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11 Sep 2016, 5:47 pm

I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 3 years old.

If you met me, it would be evident that I pretty odd LOL

It took me a long time to learn social rules. I still violate them on a regular basis.



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11 Sep 2016, 6:35 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I was diagnosed as autistic when I was 3 years old.

If you met me, it would be evident that I pretty odd LOL

It took me a long time to learn social rules. I still violate them on a regular basis.


I think even the most neurotypical passing ones still look odd, cause no matter how much we pass as neurotypicals, there will always be something that looks or sounds different.



auntblabby
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11 Sep 2016, 6:56 pm

it's easier to be a hermit. :alien:



RabidFox
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11 Sep 2016, 7:16 pm

morugin wrote:
in response to another poster, people do decide whether they want to be friends with you in an instant and it is based on a feeling. you want to get to know only the people you are considering becoming friends with.


I don't understand how that makes any sense. Why would a person choose their friends instantly? They would have nothing in common with them if they did. You need to choose friends based on information. I've never met anyone that just jumps into friendships.



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11 Sep 2016, 7:22 pm

RabidFox wrote:
morugin wrote:
in response to another poster, people do decide whether they want to be friends with you in an instant and it is based on a feeling. you want to get to know only the people you are considering becoming friends with.


I don't understand how that makes any sense. Why would a person choose their friends instantly? They would have nothing in common with them if they did. You need to choose friends based on information. I've never met anyone that just jumps into friendships.

intuitive decisions [an NT thing] are far quicker than any aspie calculation, I have found.



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11 Sep 2016, 7:26 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
It took me a long time to learn social rules. I still violate them on a regular basis.


But this is what's so annoying about social rules: NTs violate them all the time! They just seem to know when it's OK to violate them. That's always seemed doubly unfair to me; I know I can learn most things if I put my mind to it, so I learn a social rule and adhere to it... then I see an NT break it and (in that situation) it is OK 8O !



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11 Sep 2016, 7:43 pm

Quote:
-If you bring something to a potluck, it is polite to leave it there- not take the leftovers home.


Really? What if you made your own and brought it there and it's in your mixing bowl or serving dish or cookie sheet?

Plus I have seen people take theirs as they go.


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