Am I better of being single?

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After a dull day at work, I got home and had a pleasant evening of watching Youtube videos. Alone.

Being with other people? At best it's a distraction. It interferes with my alone time. At worst it creates conflicts. I had many conflicts with my past girlfriends.

Relationships can be rewarding but I would miss the quite evenings alone. I used to be alone 24/7 in my room in my mum's house and I loved every minute of it until after a few years people told me I should be ashamed of having a part time job and I should get a "real job".

I spent another year in my room in my mum's house but it wasn't the same. I wasn't living up to my "role" as a salaryman.

I quit my easy part time job and got a real job. For 8 hours per day I'm in an open office, surrounded by other people. Being on my guard for their watching eyes can be harder than the work itself but at least it keeps me from slacking off. When I come home cold and tired It's good to be alone.

So why do I get so miserable about once again being single after my most recent girlfriend dumped me? Once again, I felt like I wasn't living up to my "role" as boyfriend or one half of one couple. Feeling like I'm not living up to some arbitrary role is far more depressing than actually being alone. I rather enjoy being alone for the most part.

True I have some need to socialize, sometimes it's good to do on the weekend. A full time job already uses up most of my social capacity. Like I said, being around other people is a lot of work. I can either socialize all weekend and come to work on Monday exhausted or I can spend the weekend by myself and come to work well rested on Monday morning.

I'm not saying I should never get another girlfriend but I'm starting to question if a live-in girlfriend is a smart idea. Or perhaps I shouldn't have one at all until I'm a few years older and a little bit richer and I've enjoyed a few more years alone. This time alone should be savoured, not abhorred.

There's too much pressure out there to do what society expects of us. You're probably just fine being single for now, but don't think you have to wait until you're "richer" because the right person won't care how much money you have (or don't have for that matter).

I enjoy the feeling of freedom!

It's better to be single than to have a girlfriend/boyfriend you're not attracted to.

Not only that, it's better off being single than being with someone you're incompatible with. You could be attracted to someone and be completely incompatible with them and that's a miserable experience.

I wonder the same.

I actually wonder whether it would be fair for the partner to be in relationship with, I do not feel that I am a good relationship material.

I crave for it but I have a conscience struggle inside about it all the time.

I sure as hell hope I'm better off being single, because I don't really have a chance not being single.

The confusing thing is, when I'm with a girl it's often the case that we're very compatible in some ways and very incompatible in other ways. This inevitably leads to awful feelings of ambivalence

I have no doubts I'm good relationship material but I often have my doubts about the girl

Ok maybe that came off as a bit harsh. I don't mean I have my doubts about her looks or her skills etc but I mean on an emotional level.

I've been chatting to some girls on OKC. One of them said in her profile that she just wants to be friends. I'll respect that. Anyway we're going to meet this weekend for a walk around the park. The other actually does want a relationship but she keeps on getting into bad relationships. She keeps on saying she wants to "stop trying for a relationship" but that would mean not having one with me.

Both of these girls are very depressed. They both suffer from self-loathing. I don't blame them for that but it makes them harder to deal with. It makes them more negative. It makes them less willing to go out. It makes them more reclusive and less open.

Here's the thing that makes me have my doubts about girls. Almost every girl I've ever dated suffered from depression. Some of them may have had depression comorbid with other personality disorders such as BPD.

I'm tired of always dating girls with depression. Every single time. Yes I know that sounds hypocritical of me considering my depression but two wrongs don't make a right. Both of us having depression doesn't cancel itself out. If we had two different types of flaw we could both have strength were the other has weakness. That's why oppisites attract. e.g. my cousin is very shy but very smart. His wife is very charismatic but not good with technical things. Together they make a complete person. They're a really good team. Opposites attract. Two people with the same flaw can't help each other compensate. It's the blind leading the blind. A lot of these girls are more depressed or more reclusive than I am.

I know that there are girls out there who don't have depression. Many of those would already be in relationships. The ones that are single, looking for a boyfriend, are probably not looking on dating sites. They're looking for guys in night clubs and on vacations and in sports clubs and all maner of other venues were highly social people go.

I think the majority of girls on dating sites have depression or they wouldn't be there. I think the majority of guys on dating sites have depression or they wouldn't be there. I think the majority of the population doesn't have depression and those people are all hooking up in meatspace so they can form nondepressed couples.

The unfortunate thing is those happy outgoing girls are probably out of my league on an emotional level. Disregard looks. Non depressed girls are emotionally out of my league.

As for looks, many of these depressed girls are depressed because of their looks and/or they console themselves through comform eating, meaning among depressed girls there aren't that many knockout ones to be found.

I know, looks aren't the most important thing. I keep reminding myself of that. I have to date a happy, outgoing, emotionally well adjusted girl. And yet I don't think that will ever happen because such a girl wouldn't date me.

Have you considered dating someone who is 10 or 15 years older than you?

Wow, I was actually thinking the other day that the only people still single in their 30s are people who suffer from depression or have issues and that's in meat space, I've not even looked online.

And I suffer from depression, but then I think the loneliness contributes to it, so we're all trapped in a vicious circle.

You are free to choose. Don't feel pressured to have a relationship with whoever is just there. Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

I'm scared of dating depressed girls. I worry that if I have a depressed girlfriend I won't be able to help her enough and she'll end up killing herself.

I barely have time and energy for myself, how will I have the time and energy for a SO?

Most depressed people don't kill themselves. I know a handful of people with depression and we're all still alive well into our 30s.

the beauty of being single and alone is that you are your own person, nobody to 2nd-guess you, nobody to cramp your style. wanna walk about the house naked and unbathed? go right ahead. wanna drive 20 over the speed limit [and have a good radar detector]? go right ahead. wanna keep the thermostat at 65? go right ahead. listen to your music at earsplitting levels [in a separate house at least]? go right ahead. the list is endless.

Vicious circle is the right term for it. Being alone makes us more depressed and depression makes us undatable.

Now I have a date with this depressed girl and I really wish she was happy and well adjusted but if she was she'd almost certainly already be in a relationship with someone else who's happy and well adjusted.

In my experience when two depressed people date each other, the results are highly unstable. There's self-loathing on both sides. You don't have enough energy for dating because depression reduces your energy. You have to choose between resting all weekend and getting to work on Monday being well rested or dating on the weekend, arriving at your date exhausted and flabbergasted and then arriving at work on Monday even more exhausted.

I know that for nondepressed people their recreation can be just as intense as their work. For example, they may spend the weekend surfing or playing sports. This is possible for them because they require very little rest during their waking hours.

Depressed people have less energy for work and study. That's why depressed people don't have very good careers which leads to even more depression when you see how all the happy people have better careers than you.

Anyway, with my previous girlfriend she wanted me to support her emotionally through her depression but I was unable to because I was also depressed. That scenario wouldn't have happened if one or both of us didn't have depression.Yes I can't stop 2nd guessing myself.

Even when I'm alone I'm unable to choose what I want to do. I want to spend all evening studying for my ISTQB exam yet I only get an hour of study done because my willpower is crappy.