affairs

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I would really appreciate some advice. My Aspie husband is 58 and I am 68. I love him dearly and we have been married for forty years. There is one big fly in the ointment. He has crushes on women all the time. The latest is thirty years younger, married with a child, he met while they were dog walking. This has been going on for ten years and he is totally obsessed with her. She is more important than anyone including me. I used to be able to cope, but as I get older it is starting to make me feel depressed. He runs around after her and she takes advantage of this and gets him to look after her child and walk her dog and the latest, we had her dog for a week while she went abroad and she hardly even said thank you. He doesn't mind as long as he sees her once a week, that is his reward. I feel sure this is to do with his Aspergers and the fact he doesn't have any friends at all. How can I make him see how much this hurts and upsets me, I have tried but he just gets really angry.

I understand you feel like you want to make your husband happy---by allowing him these "affairs."

But you should let him know how you feel, and that you feel you want him all to yourself.

How is your love life with him?

It sounds like she's his special interest when you should be it. Have you tried talking to him about how you feel about it?

It may not be exclusively an Asperger's thing.
Interest in attractive people (usually of opposite sex) is very normal.But usually people control themselves and don't act on it.
In this case he's acting on it. It's a little crossing the line already but I don't know your situation. It depends on you, him, your relationship and the culture/environment you live in.
Anyway, if you want him to stop there are a few things. Someone goes against their urges for a number of reasons. You may try all of them.
1. Fear : What will be the consequence if he doesn't stop? Think of something (maybe exaggerate a little) and let him know about it well and clear.
2. Reward : What will he get if he stop? Let him know what he will gain.
3. Fear and rewards : Cut some supplies. I don't know what but you should decide. Let him know what'll be gone and what is it that he's already getting.
4. Empathy : This works on many people in some cases and on some people in many cases. In any case, let him know your pain (not anger!). Let him know how bad it hurts. Only words may not be enough. Give him something to compare with. For example, if you stop going out or stop talking or stop eating (I'm just saying, be wise about it), it will make him know that this pain is lesser than what you are going through. You are willing to go through this pain to avoid some bigger pain. Maybe he'll understand the intensity of that pain and empathize.

Repetition. Sometimes it takes time and repetitions to convey the correct message. Hang in there.

In the end, he's an individual. You can't control him beyond a point. In that case, everything may fail and it'll be hard but wise to accept your fate. People loose things and people go through pain. You won't be the first one and your pain won't be the biggest. In time you'll heal. But I wish such a condition doesn't arise.

I hope I've been of some help. Good luck!

What have you already tried?
Ten years is a long time...

Why are you asking for help/advice now? What changed?

I'd start seeing other men, personally. I mean it seems he has changed the rules of what marriage means, so, I would have my fun too. If he saw that this was unsavory now that it wasn't merely his double-standard/just him doing it, and wanted to change things back to the way a traditional marriage should be, so be it. If not, well then you simply don't have a husband who wants a traditional marriage, period. Another man will. I have found that men with aspergers are hit or miss in the loyalty department, some very loyal, others won't be.

What I would refuse to do is keep the bench warm while hes obsessing over other women and chasing after them; waste of a life being a martyr to a man who sees you as merely an option and not their first choice.