LADIES....

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....so what is the first thought you get when some guy you have on fb suddenly messages you all of the sudden?

My thoughts: "Oh hey, someone interested in me enough to say hi, must have taken a lot of courage for him to do that let me say hi back and see where this goes."

Suspicion. Thus far, when that has happened the dude eventually ends up trying to date me or have sex with me. They act friendly and like they just want to be friends at first, and then start branching into whatever it is they actually want.

That has actually happened twice this year.

Now, the only men I have as friends on FB are men I know and am on friendly terms with in real life. In the past, I had accepted friend requests from men who were friends of friends. Two or three of them kept messaging me - one to the point that I was avoiding FB because every time I went on FB he messaged me, even after I asked him to stop - so I blocked him and then unfriended him. Another man was a member of a group I was also in, and after a disagreement on a particular subject he started sending me messages which made me concerned initially for his mental health, then he got really nasty. So, I unfriended him too.

So yeah, now that I've changed my approach to accepting friend requests, I'd be pleased to get a message from a man who's a FB friend, but before, not so much.

Block.
Unless I have met him irl.

Unless we have mutual friends or are both members of a common group, then I tend to think it's creepy and I don't respond.

If there's no solution following the rules, then those who succeed must have broken them. The tricky part, of course, is that not everyone can afford to break the rules; that's how they work as a selection mechanism.

So you'd prefer potential suitors to ask your friends about you behind your back, and, conversely, to ask you about some friend of yours, rather than ask the intended person out directly so they have a chance to reply with an unambiguous rejection and be done with it?

To ask: why this, why now. I have received messages from people who know of me and have posted on my timeline as if they really know me in person. I usually delete and block.

How is a mutual friend who doesn't see you in real-life enough but at occasional get togethers supposed to ask you out?

Is it much better if a mutual friend messages you a few hours or a day after you meet them and there was a mutual physical attraction?

And about being approached in the streets - of course, harassment is wrong, but a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet, a person saying a simple polite hello may bother you but it's nothing to get worked-up over unless they don't ignore your initial rejection, which of course I know does happen so I'm trying to differentiate the two different scenarios. A simple introduction is not 'harassment', but that doesn't mean harassment, i.e. sexual comments, following her, not listening to her when she tells him to leave her alone, etc. doesn't happen, which it does.

What worked for me was getting involved in group settings where there were women present but there was a focus other than dating. I got to meet women and learn a bit about them with no pressure to "seal the deal." Sometimes I would find enough common traits between our personalities that I would be inclined to ask for a date - and at that point I am an acquaintance, not a stranger. She wouldn't always say yes, but she usually wouldn't see me as a creeper. Sometimes I would learn enough about a woman to realize I had no interest in her, which probably saved me substantial embarrassment and other problems.

I can understand why being approached by a stranger would be a turn off. If the other person knows nothing about you except what your body looks like (or your Facebook pictures), then it would be logical that he is only interested in your body. That probably taints the whole experience, even if you wouldn't otherwise have been turned off by him. Ladies, please correct me if I'm off base here.

So I think there is a solution within the rules. It's just not one you will find shown in movies or find guys bragging about in locker rooms.