It is possible to simply not have what women want?

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Brianruns10
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26 Nov 2016, 1:09 am

I can't seem to get dates with anyone of late. And in the past when I do, they don't seem to hold any interest. On the one or two occasions where there was a woman who did seem interested, her interest waned quickly.

I see others who are in love, and that love is so alien. I'm slightly amazed when I see people get a phone call or a text from their beloved, and it is completely unprompted. The other person actually writes them. Just because! Just to say they were thinking of them.

That has never happened to me. Never has someone texted or messages or called out of the blue just to say they were thinking of me. I've never inspired that in someone. I always seem to be a model to other people. They see me, and see they can do better.

I know, objectively, I have some value at least. I have a job, I own my own place. I write, paint, and make films. I have a great deal of amibtion and at least in my career believe I will achieve great success, and with it, notoriety and better income.

Yet I cannot succeed with women, in dating. I feel I simply do not have what women want. It's like I give off a pheromone that is the opposite of one that entices. It warns people away. I wish I could fix myself, and make myself worthy of someone's love but I feel there is no hope.

Is it possible that some, like me, are simply not meant to be loved, and there is nothing in us to be loved by another?



auntblabby
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26 Nov 2016, 1:48 am

mon frere, you are not the only one in that boat. you are higher-functioning than me in that you have achieved a kind of professional status, and have entrepreneurial talents. you are my aspie hero in that respect. I will say that out of the blue, in my middle 50s, another wrong planeteer almost literally jumped into my lap from some other social dimension I had not before encountered. but it exploded apart in just a few months. I was past my sell-by date. that was my one and only "GF" experience, where somebody wanted to be close to me, wanted to get to know me- but it provided me with enough memories to last me until I matriculate into heaven. I too lack the "right stuff" for normal social functioning, but that in itself is not the end of the world, it is rather like that old "Holland" metaphor about autism- one eventually learns to appreciate or at least accept the slower, calmer, darker world, it grows on one. the road less travelled has its own compensations. anyways, I digress. I believe that in time, perhaps not as quickly as you'd like, but in a relatively doable time, you too will have a GF experience, and I pray for you that it turns out better than mine did. my advice to you, is that you via an escort or other sex worker, get rid of your v-card any way you somewhat legally can, even if it means you take a trip to Nevada. the reason for doing it NOW or ASAP is because the average man as he grows older, his equipment and libido just go down down DOWN to nothing, with deceptive rapidity. so do it while you still can without needing the little blue pill. at least for me, losing it did make a HUGE difference in how I felt about myself, it made me feel more like a human being, albeit a flawed one.



Shahunshah
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26 Nov 2016, 5:11 am

What is it like for you interacting with women?



kraftiekortie
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26 Nov 2016, 8:37 am

No, it's not possible. Every man has SOMETHING a woman wants.



amykitten
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26 Nov 2016, 10:29 am

I feel the same tbh. I do think that some people are just meant to spend their future alone for whatever reason. But there are positives to being single as well as negatives. Such as not worrying about if overtime is going to affect the mood of the person, what to cook for dinner as you will always get something you like, basically most things which require compromising. Maybe its my lack of compromising on somethings which is the issue with me...



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26 Nov 2016, 2:19 pm

I believe dating success is 90% social skills, not money, lifestyle, or appearance. Which does suck for us but isn't impossible to work with as there's nothing technically wrong with us. We just might appear cold or disinterested in others, or have trouble establishing a rapport with people who might otherwise love us and find us endearing. It has very little to do with personal worth.

People who are physically unnattractive, unemployed, etc, wind up in relationships, too. Even some on this website. So it's also about just finding someone who can see past that or whose connection with you is so good, it doesn't matter that you're not the most socially savvy person around. Even very nice things on the shelf you might not notice if they're placed in a weird spot. :P

Even those with Asperger's and Autism can do a little to improve their appearance or lifestyle, which will of course sweeten the deal, and look for someone who wants something a little different. It's easy to wind up with family, friends, or partners who don't appreciate you if you think you have to be like everyone else, and can't be a little choosy yourself and look for those who value what you really are.

The Internet will tell you untrue things such as that women only love alpha, dominant jerks who push others around and are mean. Or that they only love money, or appearances, or many things which can be seen to be false. This removes the responsibility from those who've failed for looking for the right people or just bettering themselves, and developing healthy relationship habits.

My boyfriend who's a few years younger than me and normally very sensitive thought he had to be very sexually forward to keep me from getting bored, which was gross and a turn-off, especially this early. I convinced him to ignore any such ideas he might have picked up about how women feel about men. I honestly fear for people who think "what women want" is some specific thing separate from just being good at finding the right people, and go searching online for it...

If he'd acted that way when we met, based off "what women want", we wouldn't be in a relationship right now.



auntblabby
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26 Nov 2016, 4:34 pm

it is a matter of wavelength, we all resonate at our own frequency and other frequencies tend to be discordant when combined with ours, just not compatible. the aspie frequency is far away from both other aspie frequencies as well as NT frequencies so it is a numbers game, there aren't very many other people whose frequencies match ours. that is why so many of us are alone and not desired.



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26 Nov 2016, 4:38 pm

No it's not possible, because there is no thing or things that "women want"--women are individuals and every single one of us out there wants different things from men/women, from relationships, from life. So you could have everything one woman wants and absolutely nothing the next one wants. WE ARE INDIVIDUALS. There is no "what women want".


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Brianruns10
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26 Nov 2016, 6:10 pm

wilburforce wrote:
No it's not possible, because there is no thing or things that "women want"--women are individuals and every single one of us out there wants different things from men/women, from relationships, from life. So you could have everything one woman wants and absolutely nothing the next one wants. WE ARE INDIVIDUALS. There is no "what women want".


But that's just it...women are individuals, and yet I've failed so completely with all women, and yet women are so diverse, that there can only be one common denominator: me. That there is something wrong, fundamentally, with me, that makes me undesirable to all women.



Shahunshah
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26 Nov 2016, 6:18 pm

Brianruns10 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
No it's not possible, because there is no thing or things that "women want"--women are individuals and every single one of us out there wants different things from men/women, from relationships, from life. So you could have everything one woman wants and absolutely nothing the next one wants. WE ARE INDIVIDUALS. There is no "what women want".


But that's just it...women are individuals, and yet I've failed so completely with all women, and yet women are so diverse, that there can only be one common denominator: me. That there is something wrong, fundamentally, with me, that makes me undesirable to all women.
I would have to agree with Wilburforce here. Sometimes we aren't compatible with individuals but the human race is so vast and their is bound to someone for most people.

Well what is it like for you talking with women?

Remember appearances and socials skills are still a big part.



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26 Nov 2016, 6:29 pm

I have felt this way, but sometimes wonder if I just need the right dating site to connect me with more people.

Unfortunately, I've had a lot of employment challenges and I'm about to get work as a truck driver which is very socially isolating. I mean I can deal with it personally and just find it boring, but it's not a good life situation for dating.



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Nov 2016, 6:48 pm

I disagree with those who chant highly about individualism - I don't believe that humans are that much individuals.

Individualism is overrated - humans are not that individuals my dears.
If that was true, then something like *Asperger's syndrome* wouldn't even exist in Psychiatric books - because AS people wouldn't have trouble with the vast majority of people (because supposedly every one is "individual", right?).

Yes, some preferences do vary from among individuals - but there are way more in common among the people of the same sex than what many choose to believe.

Why else do you think that some celebs are seen attractive by the like 95% of the opposite sex for instance?

And this isn't only about attraction between men and women: Do you remember at school or even at the workplace those people that NO one liked and talked about them behind their back? If people are so "individual" then why this almost-consensus on their hate toward these people?

So to answer your question: Yes, it is possible for one to have certain set of attributes (inborn or otherwise) that makes him/her unappealing to the very vast majority of the opposite sex - making it satistically almost impossibe to find someone accepting him/her.

All humans share 99.5% of the same DNA make up - and attraction is something mostly primal, animalistic- stop fooling yourselves.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 26 Nov 2016, 7:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Shahunshah
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26 Nov 2016, 7:03 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I disagree with those who chant individualism - I don't believe that humans are that much individuals.

Individualism is overrated - humans are not that individuals my dears.

Yes, some preferences do vary from among individuals - but there are way more in common among the people of the same sex than what many choose to believe.

Why else do you think that some celebs are seen attractive by the like 95% of the opposite sex for instance?

And this isn't only about attraction between men and women: Do you remember at school or even at the workplace those people that NO one liked and talked about them behind their back? If people are so "individual" then why this almost-consensus on their hate toward these people?

So to answer your question: Yes, it is possible for one to have certain set of attributes (inborn or otherwise) that makes him/her unappealing to the very vast majority of the opposite sex - making it satistically almost impossibe to find someone accepting him/her.


I guess sometimes their can be some character flaws in people that make it difficult for others to appreciate or like them but it is important to remember that for most people that is not the case. Since so long as you are kind to others it is fairly easy not be viewed with contempt but others.

And as much as people do follow group their are many who also don't and want something out. After all just because a handsome jock is seen as a good match by many does not mean all girls will follow him, many simply do not like that and want something else.

I mean come on my depressed uncle who may have AS got two girlfriends recently. And my friend's dad who has AS and is overweight is also happily married. Humans are individuals not bloody sheep.



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Nov 2016, 7:09 pm

Shahunshah wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I disagree with those who chant individualism - I don't believe that humans are that much individuals.

Individualism is overrated - humans are not that individuals my dears.

Yes, some preferences do vary from among individuals - but there are way more in common among the people of the same sex than what many choose to believe.

Why else do you think that some celebs are seen attractive by the like 95% of the opposite sex for instance?

And this isn't only about attraction between men and women: Do you remember at school or even at the workplace those people that NO one liked and talked about them behind their back? If people are so "individual" then why this almost-consensus on their hate toward these people?

So to answer your question: Yes, it is possible for one to have certain set of attributes (inborn or otherwise) that makes him/her unappealing to the very vast majority of the opposite sex - making it satistically almost impossibe to find someone accepting him/her.


I guess sometimes their can be some character flaws in people that make it difficult for others to appreciate or like them but it is important to remember that for most people that is not the case. Since so long as you are kind to others it is fairly easy not be viewed with contempt but others.

And as much as people do follow group their are many who also don't and want something out. After all just because a handsome jock is seen as a good match by many does not mean all girls will follow him, many simply do not like that and want something else.

I mean come on my depressed uncle who may have AS got two girlfriends recently. And my friend's dad who has AS and is overweight is also happily married. Humans are individuals not bloody sheep.


AS diagnosis exists because it is seen as a set of major character flaws by the majority of mankind.



Shahunshah
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26 Nov 2016, 7:14 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I disagree with those who chant individualism - I don't believe that humans are that much individuals.

Individualism is overrated - humans are not that individuals my dears.

Yes, some preferences do vary from among individuals - but there are way more in common among the people of the same sex than what many choose to believe.

Why else do you think that some celebs are seen attractive by the like 95% of the opposite sex for instance?

And this isn't only about attraction between men and women: Do you remember at school or even at the workplace those people that NO one liked and talked about them behind their back? If people are so "individual" then why this almost-consensus on their hate toward these people?

So to answer your question: Yes, it is possible for one to have certain set of attributes (inborn or otherwise) that makes him/her unappealing to the very vast majority of the opposite sex - making it satistically almost impossibe to find someone accepting him/her.


I guess sometimes their can be some character flaws in people that make it difficult for others to appreciate or like them but it is important to remember that for most people that is not the case. Since so long as you are kind to others it is fairly easy not be viewed with contempt but others.

And as much as people do follow group their are many who also don't and want something out. After all just because a handsome jock is seen as a good match by many does not mean all girls will follow him, many simply do not like that and want something else.

I mean come on my depressed uncle who may have AS got two girlfriends recently. And my friend's dad who has AS and is overweight is also happily married. Humans are individuals not bloody sheep.


AS diagnosis exists because it is seen as a set of major character flaws by the majority of mankind.
But not to the same extent as other traits such as narcissism and unkindness those is what really turns many people off. If their is something inherently unattractive about people with Asperger's that exists for all people than why does the autistic girl in my class have friends, rich social life and a boyfriend, why do I have friends. Shouldn't by your logic everyone be turned away from autistic people?



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26 Nov 2016, 8:22 pm

Have you tried meeting women from different cultures like Asian women for example? If you haven't, perhaps you would have better luck if you tried that. I would of gone the male-order bride route if I would of had the money & resources to do it.


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