I always try to avoid conflict with others

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LimboMan
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12 Jan 2017, 2:49 pm

This is something I've only just realised which limits me in many areas of my life. But the make a long story short, I've grown up with the belief I'm a burden to other people, and its still a belief I struggle with, especially recently.
I feel every social encounter I have has to be positive, and I hate the idea of anything to turn ugly. This is partly the reason I moved out living with other strangers to try live away from family - I had many worries and fears I was annoying to them and was concerned this would get worse down the line, this was one of the reasons I left.

I also don't pursue the goal of being in my first relationship, because I fear greatly of conflict within them. I think about the bad things of relationships like if we were shouting whether face to face or phone, angry texts and things like that scare me, enough to think of the positives, I just feel I will be a burden to somebody enough.
This also affects my socialisation and making friends. I do enjoy freedom of being more isolated than others, but it can get lonely. But I'm afraid of what could go wrong, more than what could go right. I've always been like this, afraid I will let people down and they get angry with me. So many aspects of my life I haven't tried hard enough because of this belief.

Does anyone have any advice about this or how I can tackle conflict in social interactions when it happens? I often feel I need to please everyone.


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the_phoenix
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12 Jan 2017, 10:22 pm

No pain, no gain.
No risk, no reward.

Will you be hurt in life?
Yes.

Go out and be your best self, anyways.

Wishing you the best of success in this New Year! :)



LogicOrNot
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12 Jan 2017, 10:56 pm

I often feel this way too. I wish I had some helpful advice, but I'm afraid I don't. I will read what others write in reply here and hope that it helps me also.

One observation about myself is that I tend to be naturally very sensitive. For example, if someone responds positively to me I become very excited. Its not an entirely pleasant sensation. I wish I could just respond to these situations in a moderate way.



Dear_one
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13 Jan 2017, 1:48 am

Try to understand where this pattern started. For me, it was my aspie mom never giving any forgiveness for being immature. I grew up hoping I would not be disowned and then left at 17 to end the worry. I also avoid conflict because it is generally futile to explain my position if it conflicts with irrational beliefs or our relative social status. If I ask for consideration over a special sensitivity, NTs will usually assume that they can just tease me into normality, which is torture, or use it as leverage to make me do what they want.



SocOfAutism
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13 Jan 2017, 11:38 am

Dear_one wrote:
Try to understand where this pattern started. For me, it was my aspie mom never giving any forgiveness for being immature. I grew up hoping I would not be disowned and then left at 17 to end the worry. I also avoid conflict because it is generally futile to explain my position if it conflicts with irrational beliefs or our relative social status. If I ask for consideration over a special sensitivity, NTs will usually assume that they can just tease me into normality, which is torture, or use it as leverage to make me do what they want.


Excellent ^^^ Listen to this guy.

My husband and I are both very heavily tattooed. My husband is so heavily tattooed that he can no longer hide it. I am usually able to cover up, but sometimes I forget and people can tell that I have full sleeves. Basically we're a couple of nerds who look like bikers. We take our toddler son to a lot of activities during the week. We don't fit in with the other "soccer moms" and "soccer dads." We have come to the sad conclusion that even though our kid looks normal, sometimes other parents treat us and our son like trash because of how my husband and I look.

Sometimes people will treat you badly right off the bat, before you do or say anything, and you cannot change their minds. You can't be too nice to people like that. It gives them license to run all over you. And they will. If they see that they can be jerks to your face and you'll just take it, they will get worse.

I agree with Dear_one. I think you should try to figure out where these feelings are coming from. Then try to work on standing up for yourself. That might be no longer talking to some people, or cutting conversations short. You don't have to be mean, but also don't accept disrespectful treatment and don't spend too much time with people you don't like.



harry12345
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13 Jan 2017, 12:45 pm

I find that if I've done something "wrong" at work and someone is coming to "tell me off" about it, the best thing I can do is agree with them.

For instance:
Them: You've done this "wrong".
Me: Ok, I'll try not to do it again.

If I want to do something how I want to do it and they want me to do it like they want me to do it, I agree with them to do it like they want me to do it, then try to do it like I want to anyway - amazing how many times I get away with that one.

The fastest way to stop an argument is to appear to be on the same side as the person who is trying to argue with you. It stalls the argument because they have nothing to push against.



Joe90
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13 Jan 2017, 3:54 pm

I used to be so afraid to object against anything when I was in my late teens/early 20s. Friends used to tell me that I should be assertive and that I shouldn't let people walk all over me.
But in the last 3 years or so I have found myself becoming more assertive where I work now. It doesn't really work though. I just get told that I'm causing grief. That was what I was always afraid of back when I wouldn't assert myself, but now I'm not as afraid of it as I used to be. But I do sometimes win in the end.
Whenever I'm told off about something at work, I would state my opinion if I don't agree with why I am being told off. For example:-

Supervisor: Jo, you shouldn't keep the key to the tool cupboard in your pocket, you know you have to hand it back after you've finished in the tool cupboard
Me: But I was doing a task where I needed to go back to the tool cupboard a few times, it will be a waste of time to keep going backwards and forwards to get the key

But if I can see why I am being told off, like for a good reason, then I'll just say "OK fair enough".


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Fraser_1990
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13 Jan 2017, 4:17 pm

I try my best to avoid conflict. I just wish conflict would try as hard to avoid me. People fall out with me and no explanation is ever given. They just start ignoring me and I never hear from them again.


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