Asked a girl to Starbucks, told she was married

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Marknis
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23 Jan 2017, 11:39 am

I started college again recently. Today was my second class. I have been to this place before but it's been two years since I have been there.

I walked into the student lounge and a gothic looking girl looked up from her phone as I passed and she smiled at me. I took it as a que to talk so I sat down on the couch across from her and asked her some questions about what she was doing here and other small talk (Which isn't easy for me). I had the urge to ask if she wanted to meet up at Starbucks and she surprisingly said yes. She gave me her number but had me text mine to her. However, a little after that, she mentioned her husband in the conversation. I did my best to play it cool and not look defeated but it still shocked me.

I am glad I atleast got out of my shell but it feels like I hit yet another dead end.



MagicKnight
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23 Jan 2017, 12:04 pm

Hi.

Assuming you're telling all the relevant information there is with 100% accuracy, I see there are two possible answers for that scenery.

A) She was just trying to be polite when she smiled. That wasn't a romantic cue. Chances are she's not even married: at that point she was just trying to push an undesired company away.

B) She's either very unhappy in her marriage or she's in an open marriage. You get your chance but as you can see this isn't the ideal situation and if you're of the sensitive type you'll probably suffer a lot.

Now you need to rule out which of these alternatives is correct.

I think you should go straight to the point. Text her like this: "Hey look, are you really married? Because if you are I'm not sending you any more messages. I find you interesting and I don't want to be just a friend".

And that's the only message you should send if she replies with stuff like "yes I am married. period.". Don't ever get in touch again. You should ignore her completely to the end of your days.

EDIT: forgot to add my sincere compliments for approaching a girl and I suggest you keep doing that. Don't give up. Just don't go thinking romantic Titanic-like stuff of every girl you meet ... you do that *after* you meet a girl and she proves she's worth.



Last edited by MagicKnight on 23 Jan 2017, 12:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ThisAdamGuy
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23 Jan 2017, 12:05 pm

I hate that feeling. It usually happens when I'm on a dating site, talking to a nice woman. I ask her out, and she says, "I'll have to ask my husband." It's at that point that I delete the conversation and block them from sending any more messages because WHY ARE YOU ON A DATING SITE IF YOU'RE MARRIED?!


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AngelRho
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23 Jan 2017, 12:49 pm

DAAAAAAAAANG, man, that's COLD!! ! I'm sorry that happened to you.

Since she agreed to it, go out with her anyway. There might be more to this than what you see on the surface. But is you find out she's happy in her marriage, it might be worth the three of you getting together every now and then. Never dismiss an opportunity to win friends, even if a situation like this doesn't seem to be going the direction you originally intended.

As a rule, I do not go out with married women without some equivalent of a chaperone present at all times. I'm not opposed to dating or hanging out with divorced women, but I don't consider them marriageable (for me). My current status makes this all moot, of course. But I won't go anywhere near a woman if I know she's separated (divorce not final yet). You've accidentally fallen in a kind of weird hole, but you're committed to it now. Follow through and keep this relationship strictly casual. If you get to know her husband, focus more on that friendship. This, as I'm sure you're aware, has the potential for all kinds of BAD.

Now for the GOOD news: You are doing everything right so far. Keep going. I frequently post my "play book" here, and it looks like you're doing everything I usually advise people to do. Keep going. You'll defo find someone. Maybe even before the year is out. Stay awesome out there!



Alliekit
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23 Jan 2017, 1:36 pm

Wait a moment here is it not highly plausible that she thought you were asking her as a friend?



MagicKnight
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23 Jan 2017, 1:46 pm

Alliekit wrote:
Wait a moment here is it not highly plausible that she thought you were asking her as a friend?


From my experience, *no way*. That's textbook: "oh no he looked at me again... hey I'm just going to pretend I'm totally fine with it, that we can be somehow friends... just for the sake of safety I'll tell I have a boyfriend... or husband... or a dog... or a venomous creature from fifth dimension. Whatever, this knob won't step out of friend zone to say the most".

Edit: AND he's not interested in befriending the girl from what it looks like. He wants a date.



Last edited by MagicKnight on 23 Jan 2017, 1:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

League_Girl
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23 Jan 2017, 1:46 pm

Marknis wrote:
I started college again recently. Today was my second class. I have been to this place before but it's been two years since I have been there.

I walked into the student lounge and a gothic looking girl looked up from her phone as I passed and she smiled at me. I took it as a que to talk so I sat down on the couch across from her and asked her some questions about what she was doing here and other small talk (Which isn't easy for me). I had the urge to ask if she wanted to meet up at Starbucks and she surprisingly said yes. She gave me her number but had me text mine to her. However, a little after that, she mentioned her husband in the conversation. I did my best to play it cool and not look defeated but it still shocked me.

I am glad I atleast got out of my shell but it feels like I hit yet another dead end.



She could have thought you were being friendly with her and just asked her to go for a cup of coffee not even realizing it's a date and you were just doing it as friends.


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Alliekit
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23 Jan 2017, 2:04 pm

MagicKnight wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Wait a moment here is it not highly plausible that she thought you were asking her as a friend?


From my experience, *no way*. That's textbook: "oh no he looked at me again... hey I'm just going to pretend I'm totally fine with it, that we can be somehow friends... just for the sake of safety I'll tell I have a boyfriend... or husband... or a dog... or a venomous creature from fifth dimension. Whatever, this knob won't step out of friend zone to say the most".

Edit: AND he's not interested in befriending the girl from what it looks like. He wants a date.


I talk about my fiance all the time just randomly. Weirdly enough it's polite to not assume that everyone who talks to you wants to date you :roll: :roll:



Boxman108
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23 Jan 2017, 2:09 pm

Why I never bother anymore. Don't speak unless spoken to.


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kraftiekortie
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23 Jan 2017, 2:55 pm

I'm sorry this happened to you, Boxman.

But it's happened to every guy. Including me.

Don't give up, Sir.

Move on to someone else in the Sea.

This sort of thing happens to "neurotypical" guys and gals, too.



Sweetleaf
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23 Jan 2017, 4:08 pm

MagicKnight wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
Wait a moment here is it not highly plausible that she thought you were asking her as a friend?


From my experience, *no way*. That's textbook: "oh no he looked at me again... hey I'm just going to pretend I'm totally fine with it, that we can be somehow friends... just for the sake of safety I'll tell I have a boyfriend... or husband... or a dog... or a venomous creature from fifth dimension. Whatever, this knob won't step out of friend zone to say the most".

Edit: AND he's not interested in befriending the girl from what it looks like. He wants a date.


Well it would seem she is not available for romantic dating, if he has no interest in potentially becoming a friend of hers then he certainly doesn't have to talk to her anymore and can cancel going to starbucks he could say something like...'hey I know we made these plans but to be honest I was only interested in a date and don't really want to be friends so I think it's best we don't go to starbucks for coffee.'

Also, why are you so convinced she isn't actually married more often than not when people say they are in a relationship they are in a relationship...and people should respect that.

It is pretty annoying when you tell someone you're already in a relationship and they refuse to believe you and act angry/irritated at you as if you're doing something wrong by not having immediately canceled your already existing relationship to go on a date with them because dammit they deserve you. This has happened to me before and it was certainly a very awkward experience.


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TheSpectrum
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23 Jan 2017, 7:20 pm

So, some questions and things to consider:

-Was she wearing a wedding ring? Did you check?
-She might have said yes to be nice, not wanting this to develop any further.
-It sounds like she is in a situation where she needs friends and thought you would be ideal. So, even if not married, friend zoned.
-If she wasn't telling the truth, would you really want to bother?

I think you should focus your attention on women who are single and reciprocate (note: that does NOT mean being nice to you and simply acknowledging you exist). If you like this person and feel you can be good friends without any feelings then by all means, do so.


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Shahunshah
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23 Jan 2017, 8:26 pm

Come on why are you even mentioning defeat, something great just happened. Take the opportunity and build on it.



Datalis
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23 Jan 2017, 8:32 pm

Shahunshah wrote:
Come on why are you even mentioning defeat, something great just happened. Take the opportunity and build on it.

What good would messing around with a married woman bring?



Shahunshah
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23 Jan 2017, 8:35 pm

Datalis wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
Come on why are you even mentioning defeat, something great just happened. Take the opportunity and build on it.

What good would messing around with a married woman bring?
I'm not suggesting you do that. I just think it is a good idea to get to know women a bit better.



TheSpectrum
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23 Jan 2017, 8:35 pm

Datalis wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
Come on why are you even mentioning defeat, something great just happened. Take the opportunity and build on it.

What good would messing around with a married woman bring?

LOL!

I think ShanuShahsuasNSha was on about the traits the OP was building upon, such as coming out of their shell and being more confident in approaching women as a result


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