Confused, seeking peace of mind...

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I apologise if this is long, or if I ramble on too much - but I am at my wits end and I just want to relate to someone.

I am not sure if I have autism/aspergers, but there is definitely something. I don't really believe in having a diagnosis and all that, but so far I have been "diagnosed" with severe anxiety/OCD, depression and schizophrenia. I am 19 years old, extremely introverted (times a million) and I feel like I have already lived to be a hundred.

Ever since I can remember I have always felt different. I have a past of childhood trauma but I have accepted it and am ready to move on. I just want some answers, but deep down I know I still probably won't be satisfied. No counsellor has really helped me and I refuse to take medication. I don't really have hallucinations/delusions anymore but when I was about the age of 3-16 they came and went randomly (ranging from being abducted by aliens, seeing ghosts, strong persistent fear of aliens etc.) But I have always been quite paranoid, I just refer it back to the anxiety. It's like I was born anxious... My mother always told me that I use to cry when people touched me and I always wanted to be alone. I am very sensitive to most of my senses and have frequent breakdowns due to an overwhelming environment. But I always thought it was just some unexplainable depression. I really don't know...

I have an extremely hard time explaining myself. Putting thoughts into words etc... I think in pictures and videos and have an extremely vivid imagination, so vivid that lucid dreaming is automatic for me. I remember when I was young I use to be able to switch into a different reality like I had powers or something.

I know I'm smart, sometimes so that I think I'm smarter than most around me. Majority of people seem like sheep, as though nothing is switched on in their brain. Therefore I find it difficult relating to others unless they're highly intelligent and share common interests. I have no friends and I'm an only child. So maybe lack of social communication/connection is getting me down, but at the same time I hate socialising and it tires me.

Everything in my mind just contradicts itself, same with my actions. I get stuck in thought loops and it's so hard to do anything. It's like this ambivalence of some sort... I have routine interests/hobbies but as I get older I am noticing the decrease in passion. It's killing me. I have a past of suicide attempts but I realise now I do want to live. It's just, this society and modern world wasn't meant for me. I want to go back to where I really came from, if that makes any sense?

Sometimes I feel really dumb and slow. But at other times my processing power is really fast. It's like I'm always hyperactive... I have high dopamine levels so this might be why. I never feel relaxed but I'm always tired and sore. I don't have much motivation unless I'm interested in whatever it is, and it's hard to feel much pleasure. If I do, it's not for long.

Lately I've been trying meditation and positive self-talk. But sometimes it's as though I have no control of my mind, it has a mind of it's own. Like there's someone else inside of me sharing the same existence and I can't get them out of my head. This probably sounds insane. I feel that I am now a lot more logical than I use to be. I use to believe in satan and conspiracy theories. Thought I could read minds etc. I have always felt very spiritually connected. However, as I am increasing with scientific knowledge I realise more truth. But I just feel so confused and frazzled.

People scare me, their words and actions are confusing. When people speak or I hear voices on the TV it's like I can't even understand the language? I just go with it and act like I understand. I remember this as a kid and I always felt very isolated and that everyone was against me. I just dissociate from everything now. I can't do eye contact, even at work. It's too scary, maybe they know what I'm thinking. But later I know that that's nonsense and I am better than that. But it's just an automatic thing, these thoughts, these feelings...

I have too much empathy. I often find myself getting extremely emotional for some people and I am constantly thinking about how others would percieve my every thought, spoken words or actions. This hyper awareness or whatever it is is driving me INSANE. It's like I know too much or something. If I try and focus on my breathing, even after a good 10 minutes I still can't tune out the every sound and light of the environment. But then at other times I am completely dissociated, if you say my name a few times I won't be able to hear you.

I am really sorry if this is nonsensical. I have never told my story in this much detail to anyone. But is there anyone who is going through something similar? You're welcome to share your experience.

Thank you.

Your Question/Intro: Not currently. I used to experience a lot of what you describe. I can still relate to you. Like you, I am also an only-child, and I have most-certainly been very different than everyone else on earth.

Your Diagnoses: Why would you believe in Western-culture psychological-diagnosing ?
You are basically just getting information from a bunch of blind leading the blind that way.

Your Introversion: I have been quite the introverted myself. I still am in many a way.

Your Child-Hood: Mine was also traumatic. The abusive-parents since age two was not helping at all.

The Answers You Want: They are there for you but be prepared to spend 1000 hours on just the basics.

Counsellors: I can assure you that Western-style methods for treating psychological-conditions will NEVER get ANYWHERE for as long as they continue to ignore and dismiss the reality of external quantum-influences. You are correct to refuse Western-style medications (psychotropic-drugs from the psychiatric-industry are all neuro-toxins anyway, all of which are classified as Schedule II Substances according to the FDA, and Gwen Olsen discusses the truth about the pharmaceutical-industry amongst many other former so-called health-care practitioners if you bother to look up their publications, such as her book called Confessions of an Rx Drug Pusher and other related book-titles).

Hallucinations/Delusions/Paranoia/Anxiety/etc: For some interesting reading material, read the entire book by Dr. Carl Wickland, titled 30 Years Among the Dead (I learned of Dr. Carl Wickland from another book by Ian Currie, and the book authored by Ian Currie has the title, You Cannot Die: The Incredible Findings of a Century of Research on Death). I highly recommend reading both of those books in their entirety. When I was younger, I was told, I did not start speaking until around 4 years of age (then they said that they couldn't get me to shut up or something).

Your Break-Downs: I will address a method that, believe it or not, has actually worked for several people. That will come later on in my response. For now I am going to reply point-by-point to your post/thread.

Your Thought-Processes: I actually know exactly what's going on but you simply do not yet have the necessary vocabulary nor reference-points to be able to use to describe your «visions» unto others in detail yet.

Your Brains Versus Most People: That is because most people in the world are automatons (sheep, sheeple, brain-washed, indoctrinated, useful-idiots, liberals, cult-followers, Statists, government-worshippers, fascists, hypocrites, sinners, lunatics, blind, treasonous, manipulative, liars, full of ulteriour-motives, etc., take your pick, etc).

Social-Interactions: Most of us who can see the Pink-Elephants in the room, the Emperor being without Clothes, the ironic insanities of society, generally do not like to interact with the superficial anyway.

Self-Contradicting Thoughts: Why this happens will make more sense once you fully read Wickland's publication.

Your Origins And Returning: Your «mission» has only just started here but, due to having been «infected» with psychotronic-interference, you will have a difficult time dealing with it until someone like myself helps guide you. All you need to do for now is to learn as much as you can and to practice the exercise daily that I will quote down further.

Your Distracted Mind: You are experiencing what can be accurately described as a «Mind Under Siege» from psychotronic-forces that literally bombard your thought-processes through quantum-projection. The reason your efforts at meditation and positive-thinking is NOT working is because, for one, most methods of meditation require far too much time for most people to notice any effect, and most teachers of meditation are also not masters of meditation themselves, thus it is like even more blind leading the blind (just like all of the religions on earth are also full of the blind leading the blind), and positive-thinking methods do NOT «remove» the root-causes of psychological-issues. Also, your learning has only just started, and if you have not gone through so much cognitive-dissonance as to experience multiple major paradigm-shifts in your life, you are still at the beginner-stages of learning reality (I have been a four-time-atheist during the course of my life but I have «evolved» intellectually/psychologically enough to be able to abandon all rigid mental-constructs or belief-systems and instead focus primarily on knowledge-expansion when it comes to building/developing my paradigm-grid or otherwise known as cognitive-map of reality).

I have been through a lot of what you have gone through before. You have a huge advantage of being able to get field-tested and experienced information/insights for yourself (when I was self-developing in the world I never had such a luxury as you to be able to encounter anything even remotely resembling anything of an older or more experienced version of myself or similar other than when I came cross EBTX's web-site a couple of decades ago).

Anyway, you need a «quicker» (and actually effective) method for regaining control over your mind, and whether you believe the «vocabular» I am about to use or not is irrelevant, for I will make use of his vocabulary anyway. You first need to take DEEP breathes (all the way in through the nose, all the way out through the mouth, slowly, but not forced, but simply just as slow as you can naturally allow it to be possible), then repeat that process, followed by simultaneously closing your eyes and establishing a Mental-Link between your Mind and Our Creator, and at least three times a day, recite the following Star Prayer as written and designed by The Messiah, which goes as follows...

People of any race or creed may use or say:

Creator of the Heavens - Mother of love*
I see your Star shining above
please cleanse my mind with all your love
so that I may heed your call of peace from above

Note: 'Mother of love'* - you may choose to say: 'Father of love' or 'Mother and Father of love.'
Whilst The Messiah recommends Thrice Daily Practice, I say to just keep on repeating it over and over and over during any time you find/noticed/detect your mind starting to go out-of-control, even if it takes 100 repeats of this meditative-breathing prayer to receive assistance from the chaos-neutralising Quantum-Source.

Why this works is because it uses a similar principle to what is called the Schuman-Resonance (528 MHz). Basically, just like certain kinds of music have a calming effect over many people, this mind-linking is to negate the effects of psychotronic-interference so that you can regain focus and not have your mind be intruded upon uninvited. I will now complete this response of mine by embedding The Feeling Easier Seminar that The Messiah has designed...

Oh yes, and with the only exception being the matter of hallucinations. My mind and imagination can take me all kinds of places, but I have yet to ever actually find myself on/in a holodeck.

I do not know why some of us are so different, but I would not want to be anything less...and I use that word "less" rather than "else" because I definitely believe gifting is involved. Discovering or learning what to do with whatever we are is one of our greatest challenge in life, and I am convinced those kinds of answers are far more spiritual than scientific or merely mechanical.