Fair warning-this is a pretty long post, sorry for it, just trying to sort out thoughts while describing it.
I don't think my psychologist knows anything about asperger's, but I don't want to blow him off either. I'm trying to tell him the root of all of my problems seems to be the way I think, not the way I behave or react to things, but he keeps dancing around it. I've made lists of all of my behaviors, and I've even hinted somewhat to him "hey, do you have any sort of test you could give me to go over?" SEVERAL times, and explained my feeling of the need to have the test at least.
Yes, I know it won't change a ton about things, but it could at least give me a bit of certainty. I mean, I'm 100% sure I have it-mother agrees, boyfriend agrees-yet I'm no professional, so knowing this isn't the same as KNOWING it, and having someone actually confirm it. That and if I'm gonna keep going to see this guy, I want him to know what he's dealing with instead of giving me a "typical" approach to things. He's even said he would like to set up a testing session with me during one of our next appointments, but I don't understand why he is waiting to do it instead of doing it before trying to deal with daily problems, even to just ease my mind if anything.
He's very confused by me-as only half of what I'm thinking that I need to say winds up coming out. I'm thinking way too fast to get everything out and make sure I've left no gaps in the process, but I have a hard time telling which parts I've left out and which I have not.
Right now he's trying to help me with coping methods in dealing with my son-attempts to get his behavior under control. The thing is, my son is not out of control, but he has no volume control at all, and the noise just from him talking puts me on edge when I'm doing anything at all and is often a stresser. So when he tries to tell me something, he is trying to explain it all to me and is very focused, and I am meanwhile extremely edgey as he moves into my personal space and his volume starts going up, because I'm focused on getting away from the noise. Neither of us hear each other, and we both wind up in meltdown mode by the end of it. My son screaming in the center of the room because he is frustrated, or banging his head on the wall, and me in the other room rocking back and forth and slapping my legs sometimes.
My therapist doesn't seem to understand the intensity of this, and is trying to tell me to just ignore the volume, to tell my son to back off and talk quieter or else I won't help, and then just ignore any temper tantrums thrown or tolerate him coming closer and closer.
I love my son with all my heart, lol, I know this sounds terrible, but it's something we both need help in working together with, and I cannot possibly imagine how this experiment is going to go. I attempted it tonight, but I was in meltdown mode within 10 minutes into it. I just cannot do the noise combined with how close he gets during it and it gets me going as soon as it starts most of the time.
I guess what I'm actually asking-sorry, overanalyzing the entire situation and all of the components right now, but is it out of line to go apply for an assessment through a specialist, or to even just push this guy to give me the test??? Surely he would want to know exactly what he is dealing with before trying to come up with a solution right?
It's very frustrating that he's not taking this quite as seriously as I am it seems, and I don't know if it's doing me a bit of good to try to wait it out. The thought of the things he's asking me to do to change things at home seem way off to me, and impossible for the most part. It just doesn't make sense that he's trying anything at all before knowing exactly what is going on... and I can't even hear half of what he's saying because I'm so focused on trying to wait it out and NOT say anything about it, but I have this horrible urge to just ask that the first time I walk in every single time until he gives me something so that I know he knows what he is dealing with, and can feel more comfortable taking his advice.
17 May 2007, 10:49 pm
