Hello! Nice to meet you. I'm in my late 20s, female, UK, postgrad student. I don't know if I fit here or not. Sorry for the length/rambling. Something's weird about me and it's affecting my life but I don't know if it's this! I don't want to 'steal' a label when I'm very high-functioning in lots of ways. But I'm curious to know if I fit better here than elsewhere.
I've been diagnosed and undiagnosed at various points with various mental illnesses but was eventually sent away with 'well, you don't fit a specific condition, maybe you're just odd'. I have anxiety attacks and kind of crying breakdowns if I get overly stressed, or if something gets in the way of work I'm interested in, or if I feel sick (and I interpret a lot of probably ordinary body sensations as feeling sick, it turns out), or if I'm too hot or if I lose something or if I feel like I'm under pressure or if I'm tired. This has basically made keeping jobs impossible. I'm finding postgrad study easier than any job I've ever had essentially because I can control my own environment while I do it.
I am extremely obsessive, mostly about music (I study music from a theoretical perspective but I'm also obsessed with the practical side). The one thing that panics me more than anything else is if something gets in the way of pursuing that. That's been the case for as long as I can remember. It's both the best and the worst thing about me I think.
I've been told by multiple therapists I'm alexithymic. That was one of the things that pointed me here. I honestly don't know if that's true or not. I know there are other potential reasons for it, if so.
I score 38 on the AQ test (but I also know it's not considered particularly reliable, especially for women).
On the other hand, I am quite *good* at talking to people, at least initially, which is one reason I assumed for ages I could not possibly be on the spectrum. I was very socially anxious and shy as a child/teenager, felt like I just constantly said the wrong thing and it made me scared to talk at all, but I've kind of learned enough scripts for it now that I'm a relatively good diplomat and quite charismatic and funny, at least in small doses. I play shows and speak at conferences and know how to work a room for a given period of time. One big, big issue is that I can't keep that up - I am very effective at making friends, passing job interviews etcetera, but over the longer term I tend to flag massively, and often end up offending or annoying or upsetting people without realising I've done so. I make very good first impressions but over the longer term I come off as really weird (I tend to get hired for good jobs and then get fired from them for being a 'poor fit'). The small talk thing throws me off because, at least in small amounts, I'm very good at it (as long as nobody mentions music to me in which case I can't get myself off the subject).
(I'm also a huge oversharer especially in writing, which I always say I'm trying to stop, but I think this post is proof I haven't stopped really.)
Another point against is that my partner works with people with Aspergers. And I feel like he would have spotted it if I really did fit the profile. He has pointed out that a lot of my odd habits are self-stimulatory behaviours (sucking my thumb, most embarrassingly, but also flapping my hands when I'm excited, chewing on anything and everything, repeating stuff to myself, shaking my feet) but I assume neurotypical people do that to some extent as well. I have asked him outright if he thinks I fall on the spectrum and he hedged his bets and said he had no idea - he's not a psychologist, but he's known me for five years and sees people with Aspergers every single day. I feel like he would know.
But there are also lots of things that fit. I don't know. The thing that finally made me start looking into it was meeting a number of ASD folk who assumed I was on the spectrum and were surprised when I said I was not. There is *something* odd about me, always has been, but I just don't know what it is. And I'd like to know because it might make it easier to work with. I don't know if this fits any better than any of the earlier hypotheses. No idea if it's worth my seeking assessment (I worry that my GP would just think I was attention-seeking anyway given my psychological history).
Anyway hi and I don't blame anyone for not reading any of this since I think I have written it out mostly to clarify it to myself!
28 Feb 2017, 2:45 pm
