Aspie Partner sometimes does not reply to text messages

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CookiesCreamery
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05 Apr 2017, 11:42 pm

I'm an NT while my BF is an Aspie w/ suspected ADHD. We've been together for a year but sometimes I still don't get the hang of how he communicates with me via text message. There would be some days when he doesn't get to reply to my goodmorning and goodnight messages. I've brought this up already in a very positive way. He tells me that he forgets to text back or I should text it again because he might be in the middle of something. I know it's not his intention to not reply to me and I've come to somehow accept this. However, there are still days that I feel disappointed and insecure: my NT head says that I'm not important to him so it's not important for him to text me back.

I know I can't force him to do something if he's really incapable, so I'm hoping that I get a better understanding of the situation. Not looking for a solution but an understanding why this happens. Do any of you have a tendency of doing this?



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06 Apr 2017, 1:06 am

Well chances are it really does slip his mind...I know I am kind of bad with getting back to texts and calls. I mean I actually live with my boyfriend so not quite so necessary to text anyways since we live together. Anyways I don't think you should take it as a sign you're not important to him. Maybe mention it just makes you feel better if he can try and text back more...I mean my boyfriend had mentioned to me that he would like if I could try and be better about texting back and such so I've tried to do that.

It could very well be a mixture of forgetting and it or it just not occuring to him when he should text back. I mean one thing I have told people is sometimes things just don't occur to me...because they'll get irritated if I forget something that seems obvious but it really just didn't enter my head. Like I am intelligent but sometimes I miss things or it takes longer for something to occur to me as being important. I mean if he's not willing to try and be more aware of your texts and responding to them not sure what to do....I just know when my boyfriend or even my brother has mentioned I sometimes never reply I have tried harder to pay attention to that.



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06 Apr 2017, 1:31 am

I would pull back and give him some space. Forget the "goodnights". I had 4 male Aspie friends and none of them got back to me the way that I had expected. I had a guy NT friend and he did. I haven't had very much good luck with Aspies when it comes to communication. I think we NT's (especially women) expect more in the communication department and communication doesn't come easy with Aspies. Let's face it, NT men have a hard time with communication and women's feelings. I got very lonely when communicating with my Aspie guy friends and the friendships finally ended. My NT friendship went for 4+ years and we texted everyday and talked on the phone. All were long distance friendships too - so that wasn't a factor. Aspies are just different when it comes to communicating, I guess. So far, I haven't been able to figure out how to make a friendship with an Aspie successful.


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06 Apr 2017, 2:06 am

I forget/neglect to reply to texts all the time.
I also don't always carry my phone around with me, or check it regularly.

Often I will read a text and genuinely forget to reply; other times I don't know what to say, so I just put it out of my mind (and then later forget about it). For me, my phone is a source of stress. It's a way for people to bother me out of the blue when I'm alone and concentrating. Nowadays I make sure I tell people that I don't really bother with my phone, so they know I might not reply. I expect they think it's a bullshit excuse the first few times, but I'm very consistent in not replying lol, and they get used to it.

Pretty much this:

Quote:
He tells me that he forgets to text back or I should text it again because he might be in the middle of something. I know it's not his intention to not reply to me and I've come to somehow accept this.



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06 Apr 2017, 2:59 am

racheypie666 wrote:
For me, my phone is a source of stress. It's a way for people to bother me out of the blue when I'm alone and concentrating.

For me too. That's why and because I don't interact with a whole lot of people, that are not living in the same house, regularly my phone is usually switched off.

If someone writes me a message that includes a question that needs to be answered, I usually try to answer as quickly as possible but as soon as possible is when I read it.
If I know someone will send me a message at a specific time, I usually don't forget. However, I don't understand the use of 'good morning' messages. On a busy, stressful day I'd dislike to have to respond to them as having to do so likely distracts me more than it distracts an NT.



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06 Apr 2017, 3:59 am

I am pretty bad at it in general, most of the aspects have already been mentioned in the thread with not knowing what to say in return initially and just forgetting. Another thing is I really can't read people at all and it's really hard to gauge the value people might put in your friendship or whatever relationship. A lot of it is just depression/anxiety, I am an avoidant person and sometimes I don't want to talk and I can be pretty negative towards myself. Poor self-esteem makes trust very hard, its very easy then to put walls up and to never allow yourself to become close to someone.



izzeme
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06 Apr 2017, 4:59 am

Replying to such messages takes a consious effort, an amount of energy that is not always available.

I also (at times) forget to reply, since i need to mentally prepare to answer, and in doing so, it can slip my mind



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06 Apr 2017, 5:54 am

Yeah, with me it's mostly, forgetting----like, I have often said that I wish there was a function on this site, that lets one mark a PM "Unread", so that it reminds me to go-back, and respond.

As for the "Goodnight" / "Good Morning" texts: That would MAJORLY get on my nerves, cuz it's intrusive, and I might need to be thinking about other things (especially, first thing in the morning / last thing at night, cuz I have modes / routines / procedures, etc., and I don't want that disturbed, or else I might forget something really important, that I need to do for work, or something, and then I would be EXTREMELY upset that somebody's friggin' text made me forget; I forget all-too-much, all by myself).

Once-in-awhile, it's nice, and I would probably respond, immediately----but, every single day, FORGET IT; that, to ME, would indicate someone who is really insecure, and I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like that, cuz they're always "needing" something, and I don't do "needy", well!! Don't get me wrong, if someone was hurting (physically or emotionally), I would drop everything, to help----but, don't expect it; and, that's the whole thing, right there. When a person (me) gives alot, then people start expecting you to give, and then all bets are off; because, IME, that's often when / where using / abusing begins, if I allow it.

NT / Aspie relationships are very challenging, cuz each person is wishing the other person would be like they want them to be, and they're just not; and, I guess it depends-on how much someone is willing to "bend" and / or sacrifice, as to whether the relationship lasts, cuz one shouldn't have to give-up too much (and everybody's "too much", is different).





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06 Apr 2017, 7:08 am

I'm in a long distance relationship with my female NT, 'good morning' and 'good night' texts are something I established early on as part of ritual and routine for my own balance.

Now, her text in the morning is part of my get out of bed notification system - and when she texts me late then my day has a late start.

I have noticed with her, that if I send a text on one topic followed by a text of a different topic - she will only respond to the most resent topic.

For myself, if she asks question via text - I generally do not respond because I know it will degrade into chaos if not a conversation where we can hear each other's voice.



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06 Apr 2017, 7:44 am

Campin_Cat wrote:
Yeah, with me it's mostly, forgetting----like, I have often said that I wish there was a function on this site, that lets one mark a PM "Unread", so that it reminds me to go-back, and respond.

As for the "Goodnight" / "Good Morning" texts: That would MAJORLY get on my nerves, cuz it's intrusive, and I might need to be thinking about other things (especially, first thing in the morning / last thing at night, cuz I have modes / routines / procedures, etc., and I don't want that disturbed, or else I might forget something really important, that I need to do for work, or something, and then I would be EXTREMELY upset that somebody's friggin' text made me forget; I forget all-too-much, all by myself).

Once-in-awhile, it's nice, and I would probably respond, immediately----but, every single day, FORGET IT; that, to ME, would indicate someone who is really insecure, and I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like that, cuz they're always "needing" something, and I don't do "needy", well!! Don't get me wrong, if someone was hurting (physically or emotionally), I would drop everything, to help----but, don't expect it; and, that's the whole thing, right there. When a person (me) gives alot, then people start expecting you to give, and then all bets are off; because, IME, that's often when / where using / abusing begins, if I allow it.

NT / Aspie relationships are very challenging, cuz each person is wishing the other person would be like they want them to be, and they're just not; and, I guess it depends-on how much someone is willing to "bend" and / or sacrifice, as to whether the relationship lasts, cuz one shouldn't have to give-up too much (and everybody's "too much", is different).


Several Aspies have brought up that if someone wants to talk or text daily then they are seen as "needy" and I take offense to that. I see people who don't respond as aloof, cold, uninterested and rude. Instead of not responding, it would be a more decent gesture to let that person know they are contacting you too much and if someone told me that I was too "needy", I'd be out of there. I have an Aspie friend in ND that I met on AC. He would probably tell you that we're good friends - I sent him a Christmas present last year and even have his picture in my livingroom and we only email about once every four months. The truth: I have no feelings for him because I would honestly forget he even exists if it wasn't for that picture. Even if I do remember, I don't email because I feel about him the same as I would feel about a stranger on the street - nothing. He's the one that now sends an email and it usually says that he's wondering if I'm ok because he hasn't heard from me. Yeah, I'm ok, but I just forgot he exists is all.Then it takes me forever to reply and usually I do out of guilt. One day I will probably not reply. That's why NTs talk to someone they like a lot more often because that keeps the feelings going and without those feelings of closeness then there is no friendship or relationship. This might be only with NT women because NT men don't usually need that much closeness, imo.


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06 Apr 2017, 8:22 am

It is a difficult thing to deal with for a NT and I know for me I completely forget to text anyone back if I have to think of the response but If I was planning on having a healthy relationship. I had to find a solution or at least something I can do to make my NT partner feel more comfortable and here they are for you guys to try :)
So first thing is first explain to your partner that you are trying out simple reply instead of no reply and tell them tht they are important to you and you would like to show them even if it's not in the typical way.
Now for the moment we have all been waiting for I bring to you what has helped me a lot.
So if I'm busy and my gf text me i reply busy.
If she shoots me a text and I'm not busy but I have to think I say thinking, ? In 30. (Means ask me in 30 min)
If I'm at work I say working.
You guys get the idea. But I did explain to here that the only time she will not get a response is if I'm driving.
Don't forget to ask them how they like it and remember to tell them that they are important that is why you are trying now. If they are understanding they will want to meet you half way.
Hopes this help someone.



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06 Apr 2017, 8:38 am

CynicalJinx wrote:
It is a difficult thing to deal with for a NT and I know for me I completely forget to text anyone back if I have to think of the response but If I was planning on having a healthy relationship. I had to find a solution or at least something I can do to make my NT partner feel more comfortable and here they are for you guys to try :)
So first thing is first explain to your partner that you are trying out simple reply instead of no reply and tell them tht they are important to you and you would like to show them even if it's not in the typical way.
Now for the moment we have all been waiting for I bring to you what has helped me a lot.
So if I'm busy and my gf text me i reply busy.
If she shoots me a text and I'm not busy but I have to think I say thinking, ? In 30. (Means ask me in 30 min)
If I'm at work I say working.
You guys get the idea. But I did explain to here that the only time she will not get a response is if I'm driving.
Don't forget to ask them how they like it and remember to tell them that they are important that is why you are trying now. If they are understanding they will want to meet you half way.
Hopes this help someone.


That would work with me. On cell phones and emails prewritten messages can be made so communication can't get much simpler. Any acknowledgement (even small)is better than none at all. Friendships and relationships take work - nothing good comes easy.


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06 Apr 2017, 8:57 am

My Aspie friend is totally addicted to Facebook and so he is on his smart phone briefly but throughout the day. He used to text me constantly. Then for a long time 3 texts a day good mornin, good night and a how's your day going. . . .. this then became 2 texts and then 1 text. This has been over nearly 2 yrs and has only reduced over the past couple of months. Rightly or wrongly this says to me that he does not enjoy talking to me as much (we do meet up once a month and occasionally in between times) but he text me last Saturday it didn't require an answer so I left it. Now we haven't spoken since then . . .. . I have no idea how to proceed. We are supposed to be out together for the day on Sunday but have made no arrangements. I know I will need to make contact to sort the arrangements, but part of me thinks . . .leave it . . .. . If he wants you in his life he will make contact . . . .. what do you think? Yep Aspie/NT friendships are difficult indeed.



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06 Apr 2017, 9:15 am

Anngables wrote:
My Aspie friend is totally addicted to Facebook and so he is on his smart phone briefly but throughout the day. He used to text me constantly. Then for a long time 3 texts a day good mornin, good night and a how's your day going. . . .. this then became 2 texts and then 1 text. This has been over nearly 2 yrs and has only reduced over the past couple of months. Rightly or wrongly this says to me that he does not enjoy talking to me as much (we do meet up once a month and occasionally in between times) but he text me last Saturday it didn't require an answer so I left it. Now we haven't spoken since then . . .. . I have no idea how to proceed. We are supposed to be out together for the day on Sunday but have made no arrangements. I know I will need to make contact to sort the arrangements, but part of me thinks . . .leave it . . .. . If he wants you in his life he will make contact . . . .. what do you think? Yep Aspie/NT friendships are difficult indeed.


This is exactly how all my friendships went with my Aspie male friends. I finally had to cut them off because of no contact. The only thing different here is that you see each other in person. I don't think the communication will ever be the way you would like it to be. You have to decide if you can live with that.


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06 Apr 2017, 9:24 am

Hi Angela . . .. . I can live with it if the reduction in messages doesn't correlate to a reduction in caring. That's the part I have difficulty with. Yes we meet up and spend a whole full days together often 12hrs . . .. . He thinks of some great places to take me often just because he knows I will enjoy them, and he always gets it spot on. We laugh and he is very relaxed with me now. And to be fair he is always keen to book up the next date . .. . . I struggle with the in between times when I feel insignificant, but maybe I should just accept it for what it is. The trouble is as you said earlier. As NTs we need the more constant interactions to be sure of each other. I dont "need" just another acquaintance /friend. I thought we were really close friends but it doesn't feel that way during the weeks we don't meet. Me being needy . . . Probably, but it certainly helped when he was texting me good night every day (I didn't ask for that) with that gone I feel very forgotten.



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06 Apr 2017, 12:32 pm

nurseangela wrote:
I would pull back and give him some space. Forget the "goodnights". I had 4 male Aspie friends and So far, I haven't been able to figure out how to make a friendship with an Aspie successful.


:lol: Oh, easy! We're YOUR OBSESSION. Contextualize this any way you want, just don't make Boo send you a harem, or whatever this would be called. You've been warned. :jester:


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