NT's offering help (not)

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I am in need of some help at the moment, and various NT's in my life have said things like "Oh you poor thing, let us know if there's anything we can do to help"..."You know I'm always there for you"...

When I then tell them exactly what they could do to help, they say they can't do it. WTF? They just said they would do "anything".

Is this like the NT equivalent of asking how you are and not listening to the response?

To be honest, I've gotten more support from people here than anybody in real life lately, which I find very interesting.

I completely understand.....sometimes a NT will pretend to care and offer support but their words are hollow. I always believe, initially, the NT might care about me but I have found, the hard way, sometimes they're just being very controlling. I was just recently burned badly by this exact scenario by someone who thought she was an authority on autism/AS (she is certainly not) but I thought she maybe cared about me and liked me - NO! Instead, she exploited my vulnerability and took advantage of my naivety. Plus, I found she gossips about me too. I hate gossip. This is just a rought predicament all around, yes?

My psychiatrist effectively does this.

if an AS person tells something, he/she means it literally. NT's are full of colloquialisms, sarcasm, metaphors, chitchat, gossip, pretending to care and be a good person and therefore it hits aspies hard since we don't know how to recognize what's meant by them seriously and what's just being polite. but, if it was something that was not in my powers to help with, i would have said that i cannot do that. explaining why i am not able to do what's being asked, of course. so, here is the question. was it something really difficult for them to do? or was it something they just didn't feel like doing?

Thank you, tomamil, you explained the answer perfectly. And of course my suggestions for ways they could help are totally doable. It's almost like they are shocked when they are actually asked to conceive of doing something for anybody other than themselves. Maybe it's just that all the people I know are selfish bastards.

thanks. NT's live in NT world, it's us who live on wrong planet they are actually not used to be asked to help. people usually just talk about the matter, they like to complain. men refuse to accept help at first place, because they would feel weak and women like to talk about their problems but hate when someone tries to suggest solutions, because they also want to find the solution themselves, although through talking with somebody else. NT's consider it as a weakness. You were right, they actually were shocked when you suggested the ways they could help. I believe. I'm trying to think now if there is anybody i would ask to help and i don't know such person. I actually don't like asking help. It hurts being refused.

This is so good for me right now - to be hearing the cold, hard truth. I need to stop asking for help when people offer. I'll have to practice smiling and saying, no thanks, I'm fine.

I find that most NTs talk to hear themselves talk. The help thing is weird for me because I came from such a small rural place where people actually did help each other (probably because no one else gave a crap about them and they couldn't survive as this insular place if they didn't). Tomamil is right on the money with the reasons. They are just mouthing words they don't mean like they do when they ask how you are or they say they are sorry about something. They are empty words that mean nothing. I always think it's funny that when confronted about why they do such things, they say they are being polite. What's polite about saying things you don't mean and have no intention of backing up with action?

Here's a perfect example of this polite fallacy. Our admin was out at a bar on Friday night with my boss. Of course right here I am asking myself why, but that's another story. She said this guy came over and bought her a drink, then left and sat down with his girlfriend! She's mad as she is telling me this. I said, why didn't you pour the drink on his head? She told me, I didn't want to ruin her evening. I just looked at her. I couldn't believe this logic. I said, did you drink that drink? She said, yes, I didn't want to cause a scene because I didn't want to hurt his girlfriend, poor thing. Then she tells me later on, he gives her his phone number. So I said, did you rip it up right away? No, I waited until after they left, she tells me. ???? WTH??? So, I said, how is it better for the girlfriend if you go along? He is counting on you going along. He takes one look at you and thinks you won't say anything and that's exactly why he picked you. Because he thought you were dishonest and would go along with his deception and you did. She said, let someone else be the one to inform her. I didn't want to ruin her night. I said, no, you would rather avoid a confrontation yourself and this had nothing to do with her. You will feel better if he goes along like this until she finds out when he gives her some disease. That's real polite. Next time, just dump the drink over his head and say nothing. The action will say it all.

What was polite in what she did? I don't get it. I don't get any of this stupid polite, platitude stuff NTs practice. It is illogical and not at all polite. Frankly, it's for their benefit and not yours.

I constantly battle with language. Trying to figure out if people really want to know how I'm doing or not. Or if they really want to help or not. Some people WOULD help, if they knew what to do. Or DO want to know how we're doing. But they use the same words when they are truly interested and when they are just passing by on their way somewhere.

So. Use humor. It diffuses the situation. It gives both people an "out" without feelings being hurt.

"Hi! How ya doin'?"
"Well, how much time do you have, because it will take at least 2 hours to get to the main point of how I am doing."

At that point, they will probably laugh, because they really do not want to spend 2 hours chatting in the hallway, or in the frozen food aisle of the grocery store.

"You know I care. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know..."
"Oh, I can let you know right now, I could use 20 bucks for laundry and can I borrow your vacuum and if you could give a ride...wait, let me get my list so you can sign up for the things you can do to help."

At that point, they will probably laugh, and say "Oh, you know what I mean."
"No, I didn't know what you meant, I take it literally, so if you can pitch in with the laundry, great. If not, I need to know exactly what you can help with, or don't offer. Now, about having you reroof the house, when can you get to that?"

There's SOME seriousness to it, right there in the middle, but it is preposterous to assume someone is going to reroof your house. And that is what makes it kind of funny, while making the point that you DO want some help (use those real life things at first), but you aren't expecting the ridiculous (reroof the house).

Yes, it takes some guts to do it. You can practice right here on this forum. If you do not understand someone, practice asking. Practice using humor. Start a thread just for practicing. Explain what you are doing, and we can try to remember all the different things that have been said to us that have left us wondering "Huh?"

Someone on another site said something about their response to "How are you?" was to suggest they would provide a lengthly analysis. With updates. I thought that was funny. If you really want to go all out, get a big piece of paper and make a graph and a pie chart and write out some bogus mathematical equation and some statistical stuff, and then wave your arm at the paper and say "I am not statistically significantly better or worse than the last time you asked."

Aylissa, I have helped many people MOVE. Clean their house. Paint their house. Give them rides. Do their laundry. Vacuum.

A friend whose husband needed a kidney-pancreas transplant, who was pretty much dying, and she was working full-time AND taking care of him, she could have used help. People bailed. They didn't know what to do. You know what she really needed? Someone to mow the lawn.

That simple thing. Providing she didn't live on some slope, even with my bad back, I could have mowed her lawn. It might have taken me all day. I might have to sit down for awhile. But I could have done that.

If you really do need some extra hands, make a list. A real list. OH! Didn't I read you had shoulder surgery? Yeah. So, all that housecleaning stuff it out. Do NOT overwork the other arm, or you'll mess it up too. Really, this I know is true, I did that myself.

You can also consider "barter". You can trade in-kind, so that your friend will help you with vacuuming and laundry. And you WILL help them with the same things, when you are healed.

If there is a particular talent or gift or skill you have that they don't, offer up that skill in exchange for some physical help. Or if you have specialty equipment, like maybe you have the kind of scanner that you could put all their family photos on CD or DVD for them. That might be something you COULD do, that does not require a lot of physical work, it's just very time consuming. A CD or DVD for each of their family members. Or a couple and have them put one in a safe deposit box. If there is ever a flood or fire or smoke that damages the actual pictures, they would have them all on CD or DVD.

That's just an idea to get you thinking. Most people aren't all that altruistic, but they WILL swap/barter/trade/exchange.

It's usually me that comes across as the weird one now, because I tell people straight now if I'm not able to help. This seems to get frowned upon - far more than if I said that I'd help and backed out at the last minute.

I guess these situations are related to audience as well. The more people there are that can hear the offer of help being made, the more kudos that person gets. It doesn't matter if they back out at the last minute privately, because few people ever find out.

There's lotsa times when i desperately need help, but i just don't know how to ask in a way that will produce a result. you need smiley/flirty NT social skills to schmooze people into helping. i'm usually astonished at the way NTs can recuit or rally others to help them, it seems fairly effortless.

i got a lot of offers of help from neighbours when i moved in, but when i actually asked the offerer to help with something he got very evasive. NTs talk the talk, but they don't walk the walk.

It's normally just polite conversation to them...it's not an offer of "actual" help.

If it does turn into actual help you could wind up owing them big time, so make sure it's a debt you can pay. Hate to say it, but I've seen very few ever volunteer to help someone out solely out of the goodness of their heart.

Even NTs complain about people offering their help in an effort to empathise. It's a bs social game, as everyone has said, and it's one way to really tell who are your friends, and who aren't.

I like the Aspie way better. One would usually know right up front who can help and who can't/won't/is unable to help. I may tell someone I am sorry for their situation, and I will mean it, but I won't offer help unless they are a friend, or I really can help and have the time.