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Sen Chi
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11 May 2017, 10:42 pm

what are a few socially appropriate responses to being bullied non-verbally? particularly in front of others and in socially-committed places? (think the workplace, school, social gatherings like weddings, etc.)

also, how far can you go before escalating from words/demeanor into physical confrontation?

thank you so much in advance to anyone who can help with this m (_ _)m



BrokenPieces
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12 May 2017, 6:54 am

Can you explain what you mean by non-verbal bullying? I assume it's also non-physical since you mention the possibility of it escalating to physical confrontation.



whatamievendoing
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12 May 2017, 9:44 am

I've heard a lot of people say that ignoring it is the best way to fight bullying. But I disagree. Bullies need to learn a lesson, and letting them metaphorically gnaw at you until they get bored isn't the way of going about teaching it to them. I'd report them to a higher authority.


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Sen Chi
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16 May 2017, 9:36 am

BrokenPieces wrote:
Can you explain what you mean by non-verbal bullying? I assume it's also non-physical since you mention the possibility of it escalating to physical confrontation.


Thanks so much for the reply :)
and apologies for taking a couple days to respond. for some reason I was unable to reply via my phone and was waiting for an administrator to get in touch.

ok, so what I'm referring to when I say "non-verbal" is mainly when the ridicule is insinuated.
for example, being intentionally ignored or looked at with contempt due to your behavior, etc.

One experience that's stuck in my head is with someone I knew well but had never liked. we were seated at the same table at a mutual friend's wedding when I said something and he looked at me and gave a big, fake, demeaning smile and put his hand on my shoulder in a friendly yet authoritative manner. He then proceeded to sarcastically speak to me like a 5 year old. this was in front of a group of peers where he was the focal point.
everybody stopped talking to me after this whereas one girl had been showing interest toward me previously. they continued enjoying conversation with the bully while ignoring me.
to give one of many examples...

so essentially I'm asking-
"what are some ways to respond appropriately when being ridiculed, teased, disrespected, etc. when it's done in a socially acceptable manner so you look like an idiot and they look cool?"

as for the non-physical part of the question, yes and no, sometimes there's physical contact and sometimes there isn't. I'm referring to instances when people intentionally bump into us, cut us off, invade our personal space either by moving to close with their bodies or by using objects such as throwing a bottle or kicking a rock, etc.
just had this happen a few minutes ago actually. have no idea why...
why is this happening, what's an appropriate response and what can we do to not experience these situations in the future?

Thanks again for chiming in. i hope my explanation was clear but not too long.



Sen Chi
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16 May 2017, 9:39 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
I've heard a lot of people say that ignoring it is the best way to fight bullying. But I disagree. Bullies need to learn a lesson, and letting them metaphorically gnaw at you until they get bored isn't the way of going about teaching it to them. I'd report them to a higher authority.


I think that cultural advice is just not stated well.
I think the point that is attempted to be conveyed is to feel confident enough in yourself so that when someone tries to bully you it doesn't work.
the result being, you ignore them/don't care about them/don't give them the time of day because they're not worth your time or energy.



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16 May 2017, 11:13 am

I get very tired of idiotic people that think they're so funny. On Sunday I went to Lowe's to purchase some epoxy glue.

I asked a worker standing there with a young trainee (looked like one) and asked him if he could tell me the location of epoxy glue. He put on a puzzled face and began asking questions, as though he didn't know what I was asking for (English was both of our first languages). All this while he was carrying on another conversation with his trainee which consisted of bumps, grins, etc.

I put up with this for a minute or two and then told him if he couldn't help me, I was sure a manager or someone in the front of the store, who was more familiar with their stock, could help me.

He immediately sobered up and gave me the location (without smart remarks) saying: "This is where we have all of our epoxy glues." I don't think he wanted me to talk with the manager.:)

I really get tired of playing their "game" after all these years...I'm 74.



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16 May 2017, 11:17 pm

Sen Chi wrote:
Thanks so much for the reply :)
and apologies for taking a couple days to respond. for some reason I was unable to reply via my phone and was waiting for an administrator to get in touch.


Not a problem. I'm glad you got it worked out.

Quote:
so essentially I'm asking-
"what are some ways to respond appropriately when being ridiculed, teased, disrespected, etc. when it's done in a socially acceptable manner so you look like an idiot and they look cool?"

as for the non-physical part of the question, yes and no, sometimes there's physical contact and sometimes there isn't. I'm referring to instances when people intentionally bump into us, cut us off, invade our personal space either by moving to close with their bodies or by using objects such as throwing a bottle or kicking a rock, etc.
just had this happen a few minutes ago actually. have no idea why...
why is this happening, what's an appropriate response and what can we do to not experience these situations in the future?

Thanks again for chiming in. i hope my explanation was clear but not too long.


I often have difficulty understanding context from a simple question so I almost always ask for an example or elaboration. (I think it frustrates my doctors and counselors.) So thank you.

I'm sorry this has happened/is happening to you. I know how hurtful it can be for people to intentionally embarrass or ostracise you, and to ignore your existence entirely when you're right in front of them.

As to why, some people persecute others for being different because they don't understand them, so they're not tolerant of anything that isn't familiar. Bullies do what they do because it gives them control, for whatever reason. Maybe they are going through something they can't control so they take it out on others. Or maybe they think they're better than others, so they want other people to feel inferior.

But what's considered an appropriate response differs by culture. Generally though, don't retaliate or lash out, and it might help not to react at all. Bullies want to get a reaction out of you, so sometimes it's best to just walk away. This is hard for me even though I'm non confrontational. But remember that by not lashing out, you are the better person. It takes self control to react positively to a negative situation (and if they had that self control then...they wouldn't be bullies.)

I'm not saying if things get physical, you shouldn't defend yourself. Unfortunately I've been there too. But once they realized they couldn't pick on me they left me alone.



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17 May 2017, 11:24 am

The one I hate is, people who wait till no one else is around to start stuff. At work, There was this guy I worked with for a time, real cocky type. He would wait till no one was around and start talking to me in a condescending voice, just rude and nasty. The thing was, he would say nothing to me when others were around. I wanted to report him to HR but the thing was I couldn't prove it nor did I have witness's, also the risk of getting drama started. Luckly, he moved to different department eventually but yeah.. I get sick of the games and just dealing with idiots.



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17 May 2017, 4:32 pm

I sometimes look at them and not say anything when they do this kind of bullying. I'm not sure if it's the best way to respond, but some of the bullies stop what they are doing after I do this.



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18 May 2017, 1:37 am

I stand as hunched over looking at the ground I walk on because I am always worried about stepping on an ant and people hate it when I do that LOL ants are in the world to be killed but they're really here for us Aspies to ignore ETC..

I let an anthill in my backyard almost take over 1/4 of my backyard with ants until out came the shovel and cyanide pellets etc... so now they don't do that anymore and I leave them alone LOL

How about finding a single ant and pouring a circle of salt around it? It will starve to death! Ants are made for Aspies to play with when we feel like it but otherwise leave alone etc... ants were made for us LOL



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18 May 2017, 2:52 am

Bullying is a very serious issue for the ASD community, and your post adds nothing useful to this thread.



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18 May 2017, 5:29 am

ZenDen wrote:
I get very tired of idiotic people that think they're so funny. On Sunday I went to Lowe's to purchase some epoxy glue.

I asked a worker standing there with a young trainee (looked like one) and asked him if he could tell me the location of epoxy glue. He put on a puzzled face and began asking questions, as though he didn't know what I was asking for (English was both of our first languages). All this while he was carrying on another conversation with his trainee which consisted of bumps, grins, etc.

I put up with this for a minute or two and then told him if he couldn't help me, I was sure a manager or someone in the front of the store, who was more familiar with their stock, could help me.

He immediately sobered up and gave me the location (without smart remarks) saying: "This is where we have all of our epoxy glues." I don't think he wanted me to talk with the manager.:)

I really get tired of playing their "game" after all these years...I'm 74.


I would have reported him to the manager anyway and got him fired. People like that don't deserve jobs when there are so many decent folks in the welfare queue.

On a general note, I've found cracking a joke always helps when someone is trying to verbally bully you. Nobody likes to be mean to the funny guy. It could help if you scope out your co-workers or social circle in advance and pick out anything bad or nasty about the ones who look like they could be 'dominant' types. Then, if they start passive-aggressively hassling you, you can have a sharp, biting, witty remark all ready to hit them where it hurts, e.g. If bully is patting your shoulder as though to let you know he's boss, you can remark: "Wow, you wouldn't expect such a short guy to have such strong hands. Go you!" That way, it sounds like a compliment, but it's also a way of saying, 'Be careful around me, a**hole." See? :twisted:

If it's physical bullying at work, that's easy; just report them to human resources manager. You don't want to hit them or anything; half the time these weasels do those things to get you to physically retaliate and then you cop the harassment charge. It sucks, but it's the only way to deal with these types of douches in a way that gets acceptable results.


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