How to deal with a parent with Asperger's?

Post Reply New Topic

My dad has Asperger's and so do I. I'm adopted, so it's just a coincidence. Maybe it's because he's had 69 years of practice but he doesn't seem to struggle with socializing or understanding social cues. But he has almost no friends whatsoever because he isn't good at holding onto them (neither am I) and he struggles so bad with empathy that he can be verbally abusive (so can I to a lesser extent.) My dad loves me and is usually kind but when he has a "meltdown" or "sensory overload," he can be quite abusive, temperamental, and irrational. The thing is his triggers are not the same as mine so I've never figured out what they are and how to avoid them. Just recently he yelled at me and got angry because he didn't agree with my reasons for why I like Europe. He's far more stubborn than I am and can be quite cruel, especially to my mom (whom he hasn't been with in well over a decade.) Any tips/advice on how to deal with an aspie parent? What do you do when your parent, whom you love and respect, is sometimes verbally abusive to you without even realizing it? He's called me words like stupid, idiot, fat, etc. Sure my temper can go haywire at times but I have never called anyone words like that.

I try to think of it like this: If a person accidently bumped into you, or dropped something on your foot, would you be mad at them? If they were opening a door and you were on the other side of the door and the door hit you, could you blame them for it?
When he says these things without realising it, it's the same kind of situation. He propbably isn't trying to hurt you, just remember not to let those words sink in and become part of you. Just give him some space to let him calm down and try again later. If he can't cope with differing opinions, don't talk about them too much, stick to your mutual interests.

I have similar situation but I don't know if my dad has Asperger or some personality disorder.
He is my biological dad and I have Asperger just like his older sister does(although what she is way less functioning than me).

Dad is very social (I am social too and so is his sister - we are all "active but odd" subtype) and has a lot of acquaintances(he does much better socially than I do, he is an extrovert) but no close friends. He loses them easily because he has short temper. Even right now he is having a meltdown/tantrum(yelling, swearing, calling us stupid) because he didn't like the sauce mom used on dinner. He is very restrictive on that matter - we don't have much variety of food because he insist on "potatoes, meat and salad for dinner, no experiments".
Other reasons for his meltdowns/tantrums are politics (he will lose his temper just by watching the news - but he is obsessed with politics, he can talk about it all day long so he MUST watch the news) and the fact mom has different opinion in that matter than him doesn't help.
And basically anything that doesn't go the way he wants it. Yesterday he yelled at me because I put 30PLN on his phone account and he wanted 50PLN - but failed to communicate it, he just said "load my phone because it is ending". Not like he is ever going to give me the money back - when I mentioned it he said he gave 200PLN to mom the other day and started yelling that "we" think he has infinite amount of money. I am unemployed and I gave him 30PLN off my savings and he yells at me and calls me stupid because I didn't give him 50PLN instead! The hell?

For now I just avoid him as much as I can and avoid talking to him and asking him anything unless I have to.
In my opinion his behavior is a lack of good will, stupidity and unwillingness to learn proper communication.

I have Asperger but I won't yell at people whenever they do something I don't like. I will just say I don't like it and suggest how they can do it in the future. And when someone gives me food I might comment on the taste but will try to eat it or just leave it and get something else. Not throw a tantrum because "we don't have the same taste". Yeah, we don't - that's why I keep citric acid in my room. If mom gives me something I can't eat (I often can't eat the food dad likes because it is tasteless for me) I will put citric acid on it and then it gets edible because I like sour taste.

Well... but I admit I did meltdown/tantrum and yell at mom when she used a colorful marker to highlight some details on the original of an important document despite having 5 copies to use. I mean... why destroying the original when you have copies!? How I am going to show it? I still need to show the document at the job centre and the disability office. It will be embarrassing to show them the document with bright, green lines all over it.

I have a strong suspicion that my mom is on the spectrum even if it turns out I'm not.

She's extremely stubborn and rigid, you'll find a four leaf clover before she admits she's wrong.

She has at least two major blowouts/breakdowns every year.

Sometimes she likes sitting in dark rooms because she "finds it peaceful".

She complains if you roll down the car window because apparently the wind hurts her ear.

She's pretty insensitive, even failing the yawn test.

As a kid when I got a new shirt the first thing she would do is cut the tag off or ask me if I wanted it removed. Doing the same for all of her clothes as well.

She loves watching the weather.
Me: "See look, you can just Google the weekly forecast. "
Her: "But I like watching the weather and I like looking at all the charts. "

Oh and DON'T use her towel.