Dating more difficult for high functioning males?

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I heard about this study that said males on the high functioning end of the spectrum have more difficulty in relationships than high functioning women. It kind of has me a bit worried and makes me feel like I'll never find someone. So is it true that high functioning males have more difficulty in relationships than high functioning women? Have any of you high functioning males had difficulty in relationships? Have any of you had success in relationships?

It depends on the woman. If the girl is young and attractive, she's going to have it easier finding dates and attracting attention regardless of whether she's autistic or not. So in general, woman do have it easier than men. But if the girl is ugly and/or obese, then she's not going to have it easier. Another reason why women often have it easier is because women typically have better interpersonal skills then men do which is why it's generally easier for them to connect with people.


Also I do believe that most autistic males struggle with dating. If the average neurotypical male loses his virginity at 17, then for people with high functioning autism, it's likely somewhere in the twenties. Since autism is a social disorder and we tend to struggle with making friends, we also tend to be late bloomers dating wise. Most autistics did not date in high school and many don't have any success with dating until their twenties, it's one of those things that we tend to struggle with yet not enough attention and support is given to dating on the autism spectrum. It's okay to be a late bloomer in the dating game because that means you're waiting whether you like it or not so when a girl does come around, you'll be more mature and you're less likely to take the fact you're in a relationship for granted and you'll want to do a good job. It's because you're in that mindset that now that a girl is finally giving you a chance, you're going to try your hardest to prove your worth.

You could argue that men have it easier because male worth is often defined by his achievements. It means that if you work hard (e.g. get a good education, find a desirable job) then you can increase your chances in dating.

You could argue that, but it would be a very bad argument in the context, since many people with HFA struggle with both education and employment, and may be on disability. Meaning that in your argument, the males with HFA are basically worthless, while the females still hold the basic value inherent in being female.

Add to that, in a dating context, females on the whole tend to get away with a passive approach and can expect to be pursued, whereas more passive males more or less guarantee their own failure.

I'm not sure about that. Obviously I am married now but I have 1 University Degree (in Commerce), 2 College Diplomas, 3 College Certificates and while I am underemployed I still work full time. Still, I had almost zero luck with the ladies until Mrs. GHF came along. Then again, she is probably on the spectrum and has a much smaller dating history than I although how much of it was by choice I will never know for sure.

I think that this has a core of truth in it.
High Functioning ASDs can (and will) appear normal at first, which means that when (not if) one of the autistic symptoms show up, they appear to come out of the blue.
Also, the feeling that "something is off" is bigger to HF ASDs, for the same reason, we often fall in the "uncanny valley".

Is this a problem? perhaps, perhaps not, but it is an extra layer of difficulty to the dating life of an aspergian.

I'm not saying that's the only thing that matters. There's a lot of factors. For example, social skills are very important when dating, but education and job are much more valued by women (for example compared to men). You probably noticed this from both your experience and WP.net. For example, on wp.net you are unlikely to see a thread from a man who complains that all his dates are poorly educated or underpaid.

I think there is some solid evidence for this.
Males are socially brought up to chase the woman making a difficult situation for any male incredibly difficult for someone on the spectrum.
Womens brain structure is biologically different from males and is reflected within the spectrum also. Hence why women aspies have a slightly more easier time with the ''social chameleon'' aspect of things as the female brain has generally more social networks than a males that is on the spectrum.
So with the combination of social expectations on upbringing where males are somewhat taught to internalize and keep things to oneself where women generally have more of an open closer relationship to one another and and increased social aspect of the brain can make for a hard time for a male aspie. Not to say women dont experience similar issues, they do...
Even though this video is of a female feminist disguised as a male for a year is slightly off topic it is also very relevant to this discussion as you get the females perspective of what its like to live in a mans world for a year and it blew away any pre conceived ideas she previously had.

I've been studying this stuff I do for 18 years and...

No wait a sec there's my problem.

That's true: in fact, I can't recall ANY first date who didn't inquire about my job. All I was saying is that most of the eternal single people I know are highly educated.... and that works against them as love can't be solved with a formula. There is a guy who used to play on my Softball team who was a total loser and was either high or drunk all the time. He used to practically order women around like slaves and while he never kept any of them his bed was never cold. I prefer monogamy and commitment but his a**hole nature didn't instantly repel women like my personality did.

To be fair, aspies aren't the only people who might take forever in deciding on commitments. Some good friends of mine have 100% different ways of interacting with girls because they're different people, we get along anyway & even hang around the same places, there's more for everybody to learn this way.

a trouble with dating as a more passively inclined autistic person might be that there is a higher likelihood of getting into abusive relationships. at least that is what worries me much more than the prospect of initial dating success/failure.

I choose long term, positive on/off attachment because I find the girls who enjoy my company also need as much or more space as I do. I'd rather stay available than ask too much because who would I be to deny what someone needs to clear their mind?

There are a number of posts here from women who are married to men on the spectrum, or men they think are on the spectrum. There are also a number of websites that deal with being married to someone on the spectrum, and they are populated by posts from women who's husbands are on the spectrum, or who they suspect to be on the spectrum, and most books and articles dealing with spouses on the spectrum deal almost exclusively with the instance of a woman being married to a man on the spectrum.

So from this I think it's safe to conclude that many many men on the spectrum, or who might be on the spectrum, are indeed married.

One rarely finds similar evidence of women on the spectrum being married. However many are of course....all of the women I knew on the spectrum offline were married. It may just be that their husbands find no fault with them, don't recognize they are on the spectrum, or don't care to post about it online.

That being said, other than to say that both men and women on the spectrum form romantic relationships in relative abundance, and both men and women on the spectrum struggle socially, without a proper survey, I don't think one can conclude that males on the spectrum fair worse relationship wise.

Having lived life as female, I have to disagree with you somewhat. Women have an easier time getting sex, but most women don't want just sex...if even sex at all. Most women want a committed relationship with someone in their age range, who has their stuff together, and for a woman on the spectrum, who has a lot of competition to contend with, that can be difficult. Women also have to try to determine if the man who is giving her attention really wants a committed relationship, or just wants to have sex with her, or has ill intentions, and this can be difficult for a woman on the spectrum.

Additionally, because women are expected to be more socially inclined, when they are not, they are penalized more severely than males for it. There seems to be a tendency of people to hold women to a high burden of proof that she is not an enemy. When women are not as friendly or warm as a person wants, expects, or feels she is obliged to be, she is often labeled as a cold b!tch, even if she had no ill intentions, and was, in fact, acting in a neutral manner. You might have heard the term "resting b!tch face". It's used to describe a woman who's neutral expression is perceived as "b!tchy". There is a widespread cultural ideal for women to be warm, friendly, and hospitable and when women fail at meeting this ideal, it can have very negative effects. Some men will even respond in a violent or hostile manner to women who they feel weren't sufficiently friendly or who they perceive has rejected them.

So women on the spectrum actually face many pitfalls. She has to weed out all of the men who just want to have sex with her (which will be most of them). She has to try to determine who is dangerous and who isn't. She has to compete with women who aren't on the spectrum (women who have better socially skills, more warmth, more charisma, more intuition, and often better style), and she is expected to meet the highest level of social standards even though she is the most deficient in them.

You just hurt me, you made me realize how much being a guy sucks today. I wouldn't be surprised if men today, especially my age, secretly want to become women.