"The Monster" and other lessons from EMDR therapy

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DanielH
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 2 Jan 2017
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 8
Location: Cheyenne, WY USA

20 Jun 2017, 3:24 pm

I was 34 when I found out I had ASD. I knew something was "different" about me most of my life but never thought to put a name to it. Simply put - it was misery - I couldn't relate to anyone and I thought differently about pretty much everything; it seemed as though my ideas were just weird or radical.
I thought I was rational. I was rational. Most people are not and that's just a fact.
Fast forward to this year and I have been doing EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) treatment. It has been a real eye-opener (no pun intended). The treatment basically forces your mind to reconsider traumatic memories and intense emotional auto-response in a logical way.
One of the constant frustrations I've had about myself is an overwhelming sense of weakness and failure. During my first EMDR session I came to identify this feeling as "the monster". It was my enemy; a lifelong scourge against my soul that needed to be rooted out. It was a separate, disgusting, demonic entity that must be expelled.
During the next session, however, I dug deeper into this monster and, to my horror, realized that it was not a separate and fearsome enemy but was, in fact, part of me. That was a terrifying realization at first.
The last session I did revealed even more - this monster was not only a part of me - it IS the REAL me. I had been hating myself, had shunned my true nature and was pretending to be someone else because I couldn't stand being a weak, failure of a person. I had, effectively, rejected my nature and locked it away in my subconscious.
Now I understand something crucial. I am not so different from the "normal people" of the world. There is no use in hating myself. This is true, I think, for others. No matter how misunderstood, abnormal, or hurt you feel. We need to remember to love and appreciate ourselves.
When pondering this series of epiphanies, it occurred to me that the hideous feeling was associated with another, stoic, confident one which I had retained; a remnant of the real me. I realized that I am not so weak or pathetic. The real me is fairly enlightened, good-hearted, caring, and brave.
I once hated the idea of having ASD but now I know it is an important part of me that includes the gift of high intellect, unusual analytical ability, and an understanding of what it means to be truly different.
I hope you'll share your own experiences with personal stories of self-understanding (EMDR-related or not). Sometimes it sucks to be an Aspie but all is not lost.
Thank you for reading.
Daniel