Life isn't fair

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For me an event that happened not long before I quit my job still makes my soul sick.

The guy that managed the warehouse I was required to visit for reloading each day made a comment that tore me in half. A bit of backstory is necessary though.

This guy is a decent guy. I knew that pretty soon after meeting him. But complete opposite of myself. Very extroverted, open, friendly and personable. Like all the rest he was friendly and communicative when I started there. More than most he seemed to truly put effort and go out of his way to make me part of the group. I appreciated him for it. But like the rest, my refusal and inability to integrate into the network slowly but surely spiraled into complete dislike for me.

After a time he ceased to be so friendly. Sometimes he might not even exchange a pleasantry with me when I came in. Then he had to be sent to a hospital.

Turned out he was due for invasive testing for a lung problem he had. Well, the first weekend he was gone I actually found myself browsing the greeting card isle at a local Wal-Mart. Something I am still surprised to have found myself doing. Insofar as get well cards there was little to choose from. Most were religious, which I decided against. The only one that was attractive had a cover listed with faux newspaper clippings about urban legends such as the infamous "accidental amputation while in hospital". Well, I thought, that might be taken the wrong way. I mean, he might find out he has something really life threatening. So, I held off on getting a card for the time being.

Come the following Monday, one of our managers paid a visit at the location I was working. Being close to this fella in the hospital, I asked his condition. He told me that he actually was already at home and for all he knew he might be back before the week was out. Suffice to say I decided to not bother with a card since he might be back before he ever received it.

The very day he came back he ended up making this comment to me. "Eric. While I was at home watching a documentary I was thinking about you". I felt my gut tighten up immediately. Instinctively I knew this would go somewhere I would rather it did not.

"I was watching a documentary on Jeffrey Dahmer", he said. He cocked his head to the side and studed me in a slightly exaggerated manner. "And you know, you kinda favor him when he was younger". I felt sick. Absolutely sick. I tried my best to hold onto my composure and the best comeback I had was "Well, he's dead and I'm not". His response was "But is he?". I played my disgust off as best I could and tried to exit the scene as gracefully as I could. Which is to say I probably didn't.

On the drive home I don't mind saying that I actually found myself talking out loud about the scenario to myself. After thinking back that my last thoughts of this person was a get well card did I start tearing up. And his last thoughts before coming back being me as a serial psychopath. Hell, I don't even see a resemblance other than I wear glasses and have a similar hair color. Maybe I do to him.

Why can't there be a way for people to just let people be. Why do we have to assimilate or be destroyed? I suppose I did seem like a stuck up, weirdo, and/or jerk to them after awhile. My nature completely goes against their own. But still. You just don't say sh*t like that to someone in polite conversation.

Can someone that loves to hear the birds sing in the morning be a bad man? If only there were more birds and less people.

That's hideous.He was possibly hurt or confused that you couldn't conform,maybe trying to test you or challenge you,but he ultimately did what most packs do:designate and lash out at the outsider.

What he did and said is downright weird,no matter how typical that behavior is.

That was very rude...
Since he didn't even provide reasons for his assimilation, I'd say it's probably best not to take his comment seriously...Also, people can be mean but I think it's best not to judge them...however it is important to note that he is a person who can be mean and protect yourself...I hope you feel better!

by saying that you look like him, he probably didn't mean to say that you a bad man.

I think he meant it as an icebreaker type of comment, i mean surely he would have to think that you think you look kind of introverted to your coworkers(no offense). He probably expected an equally wise ass comment from you in return, further showing the kind of easy going/non serious conversations you 2 have, which are usually funny. I mean seriously, would you say to a friend/person, lets say a good looking girl, who happens to be very outgoing and knows many guys, that over the weekend a documentary aired of a porn stars life and it very much resembled hers? Now unless you want to get slapped in the face, or are kidding around because you feel you know each other well enough to come off as funny, why would you say something so outlandish? I think you kind of imagined this guy to be a very honest/nice guy(which he may be), but figured he would at least know that you dont kid around like this. I know many people like this, and because they usually go out of their way to make me feel comfortable, i know they wouldnt want to truly make me angry when they make comments like "do you like have the 40 year old virgin complex or something" because ive yet to date a girl. Theyre usually like this around their good friends and expect the same bashing in return.

Not sure why you would take this badly.
I would have just made a statement
about how hungry I'd been feeling.

Agreed. Though, destroying people tends to
rather put me into the sociopath camp.

Oh, I did. The next day I saw him I said "Hey Tasty". Not sure if he caught it or not because he simply said "Hey Eric". I fantasized for a many days about laying it all out for him much as I said in the beginning of this post. Naturally, I never did.

But that is part of the problem. After 'they' start getting aggravated by my nature I get aggravated in turn. So I just exacerbate the situation by coming back with smart as* retorts.

I still feel a million miles closer to home since finding this website though. Lots of disparate personalities here even among their kin. But I feel a connection to practically each and every one.

I'm just sick of having to play the game and losing every time.

It gets easier. I used to go through uncontrolled
rages, when I was in my mid-twenties. I'd seal
the pain off, until it got to the point that I just
had to lash out. Now, my colleagues just look
at me funny, but pretty much realize that I don't
much give a s**t about what they think.

But that isn't how it should be. It feels good, for awhile, to put up a wall and give the finger. But in the end I'm still hollow and they are happily continuing their lives without any thought to me. Well, save for the documentaries I guess.

It almost sounds as though you want to BE
them. Look, there are people with whom you
will fit nicely. You can't push things with the
common human. I know that I was pretty
damned lucky, when I went to college the
first time, in that I met a couple of great
guys. That, and my hobby/obsession was
just the kind of activity which tended to
attract people who were anti-social, in
general.

Now, I know that there is a significant
difference between myself and most
people. Doesn't mean that I can't
joke around with my colleagues, but
they just don't get a lot of it. Probably
won't be in the kind of situation that
I once was again either, but it's easier
just to be myself - if they can't handle it,
well, there's not much they can do for me
anyhow.

Error - I understand. I have parallel happenings and it hurts - a lot. Sometimes NTs just seem to feel ok about saying the most reprehensible things without thinking of the repurcussions. It's as if they have implicit permission to do this! Why is that? My problem is I have no verbal recourse and I just feel hurt and cry. I am way too sensitive and if I am being hurt by someone I tell no one. My quiet, impassive nature seems to exacerbate the problem - I guess I'm an easy target (maybe you are too). No easy answer.......it just hurts. Worse, I initially do not feel the hurt from the condescention, just numbness. Later, I cry and feel pain, but it's too late. This is sort of a repeated pattern. And I hate it.

Fairly recently, at the lab, there is a female I thought I would like to be friends with - maybe someone to sit with me during break time. We were required to work on our lab resumes, in case a client or auditor should request it. Beyond my masters I have some additional research, which was published. I have other interests as well. This woman was working on her resume too. I knew she had a degree in biology and I always expressed interest in her bs degree, pointing out that in AK there are many opportunties if she wanted to later pursue a further degree marine biology. She's not that interested in science stuff though. I showed her my research summary (photochemistry), to be attached to my lab resume. She looked at it, and then just said, "Oh." That's it. I thought she would somehow be interested or at least care. No. I realize this sounds stupid, but it hurt my feelings. I wanted her to be my friend. Later, I finally realized she really does not like me. She has begun to "boss me around," like I'm stupid too. Sometimes I wish if someone does not like me, they would just leave me alone instead of making unnecessary and unwanted comments. What was your co-worker thinking? Did he think that's funny? I am so sorry for you; I know it hurts.

Hey

So why don't you just tell him what you just told us. Say ...

- thanks for trying to integrate me with everyone when I started, but I find that difficult
- glad you are out of hospital
- i did look for a card for you but couldn't seem to find one with the right feeling
- i didn't like being compared to Jeffrey Dahmer and thought it was nasty

... say that, after that your conscience is clear.


Also, you want him to treat you with some understanding. Well maybe you could treat him with some (a lot really) of understanding too. Yeah what he said was terrible, but ultimately he's just a man, with a man's f**k ups.

I agree with rideforever. you could maybe look for a "glad you`re better" card (belated get well!) and write it in. If you tell him you are AS then he may be more understanding of your personality.
I go through similar experiences at every job, people start by being nice then gradually get irritated to the point they hate me with a vengence and I have to find something else. I am experimenting with actually telling people in this job about AS and it seems to be working out better so far.

I know how you feel, but like calandale said...it does get easier.

Sometimes someone will still come up with a remark that cuts a little....but for the most part anymore, I couldn't care less.

That's a tempting notion. Only holdup being that they might get creeped out by that. I'll definitely take it into consideration. That's why I fantasized about an opportune moment to catch him to the side. It's hard enough to talk about anything with just one person. Impossible if there were several within earshot. It may not have went beyond being between he and I. I'd just hoped to explain to him how hurt me and set him on his way to a guilt trip. Just never could work up the nerve. Was always the easier solution to just get going as quick as I could and pretend it didn't happen.

I appreciate all of you for spending your time consoling me. I'm not 'glad' that any of you have ever hurt like this. But I am glad we know where we can take some of the pain. Thank you.

You are probably reading too much into his comment. Sure it aint the most diplomatic thing to say, but i doubt it was meant to be as affective as it has been.

You need to grow a 'thicker skin'. People are always gonna say things to you which when you ponder over later you are not going to like. Most of the time they are completely unintentional, but you need to be able to deal with it and just think 'f**k it, so what'. Then, when someone does say something intended to hurt, you dont let it touch you.

Personally, i think mentioning that you have AS is a mistake. You are right to think it might creep him out, it's not going to get you anywhere anyway.
If you feel you want to confront him at an opportune moment, then thats fine. And you can say "wtf did you mean by that statement", and dont take any BS, and you can tell him you are not good at understanding sarcasm and tend to take things literal or whatever, but you dont have to mention AS.
Obviously i dont know him, but i think if you did that. He would play it down or try and make a joke of it. If not, he's gonna tell you the real problem he has with you. My guess is the former.