Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

Page 1 of 47 [ 741 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... 47  Next

dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

17 Aug 2017, 4:47 pm

So, I'm having a very hard time finding a job I can support myself on. Trying for six months after graduating from college only got me a part-time job cleaning at a retail store, and I've now been stuck there for over a year, despite my efforts to find a better job. I keep applying to places and hearing nothing back. I only ever heard anything from two places. One gave me a preliminary interview, which I promptly failed because I have a tremor that was especially bad that day, making me look a lot more nervous than I was (the guy actually said I looked "extremely terrified," which I wasn't - and yes, I did tell him about the tremor), and the second one didn't have an interview and gave me my current job.

Since I don't make enough money to support myself, I'm still living with my parents, at age 24, a year and a half after graduating from college with a bachelor's degree in biology. My parents seem to be increasingly irritated with me in general, probably because they're really getting tired of me still living at home but don't want to tell me so, because they at least understand that I'm trying my best. I feel like I'm nothing but a burden and an annoyance. I don't have any friends, and have no real talents or skills (unless memorizing the entire Pokedex or knowing the lyrics to every song by Tool counts, but what good is something like that ever going to do?), so I feel like I don't have anything to contribute to the world, and like no one except my family would even notice if I was gone. As for my family, if my parents are having to take care of me and I'm providing nothing in return, wouldn't they be better off if I wasn't around any more, one way or another?

Essentially, at this point I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to support myself and live on my own, and if not, is there really any reason for me to keep living? If I was on my own, at least if I was happy enough, there would be no reason for me not to, but as it stands, I feel like I'm just a burden.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Sarahsmith
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Feb 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,333

17 Aug 2017, 7:19 pm

At least you have a job and a safe place to stay. There are people out there that have it much worse. Where I live they have job placement programs for people having a hard time landing a job. Do you have any such programs where you live?



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

17 Aug 2017, 9:28 pm

I've looked around, and the only place I could find for assistance near me was vocational rehabilitation. I'm thinking I'm going to have to try that, since I'm having no luck on my own. And I do know there are other people who have it worse than me. I'm actually feeling rather emotionally numb recently due to depression. I don't feel particularly sorry for myself or anything, but looking at it logically, I wonder if I should maybe kill myself if all I am is a burden with nothing to contribute to society or the people around me. Oddly, I don't really feel anything about the possibility of doing that, either.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

17 Aug 2017, 9:34 pm

And I just found out that I'm going to be losing even the crappy part-time job I've got, because the company is closing. August 26th will be my last day. Meh, I was planning on quitting sometime within the next two months anyway, because I rather doubt I'd survive another holiday season working in a retail store. The stress and stuff from last year's holiday season is probably what triggered my depression this time around, and is definitely what got me started cutting myself again. At least this saves me the trouble, and the probable fight when I told my parents I was quitting. I'd thought before that it might be a good idea to quit my job so I could devote all my time to trying to get a better one, and my mom agreed that might be a good idea, but then my dad thought it was about the worst idea ever, because having any sort of employment gap looks horrible on a resume (but then again, so does being stuck in a dead-end, low-paying, part-time job for over a year :roll: ), and then my mom took his side. I'm glad I at least won't have to put up with him yelling at me because I decided to quit anyway.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


Sarahsmith
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 14 Feb 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,333

17 Aug 2017, 9:59 pm

Have a little hope. Dont give up. We're here if you need us.



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

19 Aug 2017, 7:58 pm

Sigh... Depression is really kicking my tail right now. I'm so tired of feeling either nothing or a dull sense of unhappiness all the time. Up until the last few days, I didn't really want to die, even if I felt like I should, but, well, now I do. And it just sounds so good to lie down in the bathtub, cut my wrists (and more), and watch the blood pour out until I lose consciousness (for some reason, I really enjoy the sight of my own blood).


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,153
Location: Sagittarius A

19 Aug 2017, 8:41 pm

Perhaps you should value the finite time you have over that of the notion that your life's value is made from what type of job you currently have or don't have. Your life has only begun, imagine all the things that you can experience with all that time you have. Imagine how much time you have that can be spent with loved ones. Imagine how much things can change in that amount of time. I completely understand how you feel, I have been right where you are this very moment and I understand how hard it can be to escape that pit.

Don't let your current brain chemistry rob you of all that time. Life can surprise you when you least expect it and throw you curve balls you never imagined could happen. There is an epidemic of overqualified people working menial jobs because the economy has changed, benefiting the rich. There are a lot of young people in the same position you are in, don't let that define you. You had no part in creating that quagmire. I'm sure your parents would be more supportive if they knew how you felt and if they don't, you should think about talking to someone that will help you.


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell


dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

19 Aug 2017, 11:36 pm

blackicmenace wrote:
Perhaps you should value the finite time you have over that of the notion that your life's value is made from what type of job you currently have or don't have. Your life has only begun, imagine all the things that you can experience with all that time you have. Imagine how much time you have that can be spent with loved ones. Imagine how much things can change in that amount of time. I completely understand how you feel, I have been right where you are this very moment and I understand how hard it can be to escape that pit.

Don't let your current brain chemistry rob you of all that time. Life can surprise you when you least expect it and throw you curve balls you never imagined could happen. There is an epidemic of overqualified people working menial jobs because the economy has changed, benefiting the rich. There are a lot of young people in the same position you are in, don't let that define you. You had no part in creating that quagmire. I'm sure your parents would be more supportive if they knew how you felt and if they don't, you should think about talking to someone that will help you.


It's not just my job or losing it that's the problem. It's the fact that I don't think I have anything to contribute to society or my family. I feel like my family would rather not have to deal with me, one way or another - like they'd initially be sad, but would then secretly be glad not to have to deal with me, though they'd probably feel guilty for feeling that way. Having a job I could support myself on would be helpful, because then at least I'd only be a burden on myself, so if I was happy enough, everything would be fine. Now, I feel like my family would be better off without me. I met with a therapist I've seen before two weeks ago, but, well, one session wasn't enough (not that I'd expect it to be), and I'm really struggling. I probably need to remind my parents to schedule another appointment.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,153
Location: Sagittarius A

19 Aug 2017, 11:47 pm

Yes, please do that (schedule another appointment). You can only do what is humanly possible, don't let social expectations drag you down. Hang in there, you aren't a burden. You are precious to your loved ones and you have value.


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell


blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,153
Location: Sagittarius A

20 Aug 2017, 12:10 am

You are a sentient being with complex emotions. You are special before anyone gets to know you. Wouldn't you like to live long enough to maybe one day find out how rare or common that is in our galaxy? Perhaps there is even dragon like aliens, if not in our own galaxy perhaps another. How about the possibility of super intelligent A.I. in your life span that could do things we can't even dream of. I hope you feel better soon and start seeing the wonders in life again.


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell


dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

20 Aug 2017, 12:41 am

Thank you, blackicmenace. I'll remind my mom to make another appointment on Monday, when she can actually do so. I'll do my best to at least make it through the week, so I can finish work. That might be a good idea, actually, for me to come up with little things to stay alive for. Things like the discovery of life on other planets seems too distant to try to live for - it may or may not even happen in my natural lifetime. But maybe I can use things that are only a little way into the future. Stay alive to see the eclipse on Monday, stay alive to finish my last work shift, stay alive until my next therapy session... and go on from there.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,153
Location: Sagittarius A

20 Aug 2017, 1:45 am

Life can surprise you when you least expect it and throw you curve balls you never imagined could happen. My great grandparents never would have imagined cars and many things we take for granted every day. My grandparents never would have imagined they could watch a movie in their house. My parents never would have imagined telephones without wires or would have access to something called the internet wherein you could talk with someone on the other side of the world in real time and look up anything at a whim or landing on the moon. I never would have imagined I could have access to any information at my fingertips at any time without a trip to a library. We don't even register a 1 on the Kardashev scale, but we have come a very long way in an extremely short period of time. So think about the law of accelerated returns and imagine the possibilities. Small steps if you please but never say never, and let your imagination run wild.


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell


dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

20 Aug 2017, 1:54 am

blackicmenace wrote:
Life can surprise you when you least expect it and throw you curve balls you never imagined could happen. My great grandparents never would have imagined cars and many things we take for granted every day. My grandparents never would have imagined they could watch a movie in their house. My parents never would have imagined telephones without wires or would have access to something called the internet wherein you could talk with someone on the other side of the world in real time and look up anything at a whim or landing on the moon. I never would have imagined I could have access to any information at my fingertips at any time without a trip to a library. We don't even register a 1 on the Kardashev scale, but we have come a very long way in an extremely short period of time. So think about the law of accelerated returns and imagine the possibilities. Small steps if you please but never say never, and let your imagination run wild.


Yep, I know technology is advancing very rapidly, and I believe anything is possible, though some things are extremely improbable. I just do better with things that are definitely going to happen at a certain time.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,604

20 Aug 2017, 8:02 am

Those that have a lot of strong talents and skills. And friends are not more valuable as human beings.

Than those without talents skills or friends

Those in the majority sometimes act like they overpower me because they outnumber me

But the work contains more convicted rapists than Nobel prize winners

It does not follow that the activity with more participants is morally superior to the activity with fewer participants

:x

If you want you could work on new skills and talents

There is no law that says you have to

Those with skills and talents are not morally superior to those with no skills or talents

Not everyone has the same total amount of skill or talent

You might have skills you are not aware of



dragonsanddemons
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,917
Location: The Labyrinth of Leviathan

25 Aug 2017, 10:38 pm

Well, it turns out the company is being sold, not closing, and yesterday I got a job offer from the company that's taking over. I really don't want to take it, but apparently having any sort of employment gap is the worst thing short of a criminal record that one can have on a resume (or so I've been told), so I think I'm going to end up taking it to avoid dropping my already low chances of getting hired for a halfway decent job to almost zero. This means I'm almost certainly trapping myself into working another holiday season, since taking a new job and then quitting too soon also looks bad on a resume, as does leaving a job in a retail store during the holiday season. I know things can change, and can do so suddenly too, but I can't help wondering if this is all I'll amount to - working crappy part-time jobs I can't support myself on. And if so, then why should I keep making others support me? I settled for a non-fatal cut tonight, but I don't know how long I can keep doing that.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

When you try to assume, it makes an a** out of u and me.

I have increasing memory issues, and a tendency to forget that I forget everything. Please don't take it personally if I forget something, it probably says absolutely nothing about how important the thing is/isn’t to me.


blackicmenace
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Nov 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,153
Location: Sagittarius A

25 Aug 2017, 10:57 pm

Stop defining yourself by your employment. You are so much more than that, you are literally made of stardust and have the ability to have an intelligent, rational discussion about all the things you could have been in this universe, but you happen to have the ability to cherish the fact you're a collection of atoms that also has the ability to understand how rare and special you are. I don't personally have a lot of strength either at this very moment, but a friend once reminded me I can be there for others even if I lack the fortitude. Please keep asking for help. Don't hurt yourself. Schedule another appointment.


_________________
Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.” ― Bertrand Russell