When you run into a brick wall near your 30s

Page 1 of 2 [ 24 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

SectorStar
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 25 May 2009
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 104
Location: Roseburg, Oregon

23 Sep 2017, 3:45 am

I'll be 29 in a couple months and a harsh truth is about to smack me in the face. I'll be almost 30 and still not able to say I ever found someone. My peers and friends are married and have families, while I'm the one thats always having to watch from the distance and be the 3rd wheel. It'd be nice to have someone and be married, but I don't feel like I have the energy to keep trying for romance anymore. It doesn't help that I live in a bad city I think where going by public statistics my city average is higher than the state average when it comes to things like underage teen births and most of them already having 2-3 kids with different fathers by the time they're my age. I honestly don't think I could handle kids or being a father based on some very negative experiences I had with trying to get close to a couple single mothers and seriously questioning my sanity and well being from it. But find someone my age here with zero kids? I have a higher chance of winning the lottery half the time I think.

Some people say maybe I should just move? Well being high functioning autistic (and im sure as most autistic people can relate) drastic change like that is a big no to me, and I'm certainly not gonna quit my job at Costco where I work. I know I'm not gonna find another job that pays nearly $23 an hour with benefits for having nothing more than a high school diploma.

Being in a small city there isn't a lot of places for people my age to meet and gather for me to meet other people possibly. I'm not really religious so meeting someone at a place like a church is out of the question, and even if I was/wanted too my work hours don't really allow it. Dating people at work is also a big no for me. Most are married or with someone, and the ones that aren't are usually having affairs with someone else working there. I swear my job is a real life version of some soap opera half the time.

Dating sites I refuse to use anymore after all the bad experiences I've had on them. 9 out of 10 girls I message don't respond and the one that did I could tell was doing it to be nice but clearly had no intention of ever meeting me in real life for dinner or coffee. For the record I didn't send them messages like "hey sexy!" or "your hawt" like I'm sure the typical mentality does. I'd see that some might put in their profile they liked video games, so I'd send a message asking what their favorite game was, and telling them what mine was so they could see I took a few mins to scroll past their pictures and read their bio.

Dating apps I don't use anymore either. More often then not their isn't enough people in my city using them. I tried Tinder and I'm convinced that there isn't a single human female using that app, its all just spam bots.

My parents and peers are always on my case about being my age and seem dumbfounded that I'm still not married yet or have someone. A comerical for Match.com or one of the paid dating sites comes up on the tv and my parents are on my case about signing up for the free weekend. Funny thing is most of those you can sign up for "free" anytime you want, it just costs money to message people. I've looked on a couple of those and its usually the same pool of 30-40 some girls on the free dating sites that never messaged me back or rejected me. So do you think I'm going to spend money on one of those sites? Nope.

My mom is good friends with my close female friend that I consider to be my bff thats married with kids. I know it drives her insane that she has all these friends of mine to admire their kids, but no grandkids of her own. All I can say is I hope my sister finds someone and has a family, because it probably won't be from me anytime soon, if ever.

I don't know if it makes sense to say this, but I'm just tired of running into this invisible brick wall when it comes to romance and don't have the energy for it anymore. Anyone else feel this way? And please no cliche responses like "you'll find someone" or "theres someone for everyone". This is the real world, not fictitious romance novels/movies that give a very false outlook on how romance and the real world works.



kitesandtrainsandcats
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 May 2016
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,029
Location: Missouri

23 Sep 2017, 6:47 am

Definitely a frustrating place to be.
Successful ideas on how to make it non-frustrating are generally situation-specific in their details, so I can't offer that kind of idea.


_________________
Some day I'll get it figured out; at least some of it, probably not all of it.


SilverBoltsisWmax
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 12 Aug 2017
Age: 25
Gender: Male
Posts: 245
Location: South Carolina

23 Sep 2017, 9:27 am

SectorStar wrote:
I'll be 29 in a couple months and a harsh truth is about to smack me in the face. I'll be almost 30 and still not able to say I ever found someone. My peers and friends are married and have families, while I'm the one thats always having to watch from the distance and be the 3rd wheel. It'd be nice to have someone and be married, but I don't feel like I have the energy to keep trying for romance anymore. It doesn't help that I live in a bad city I think where going by public statistics my city average is higher than the state average when it comes to things like underage teen births and most of them already having 2-3 kids with different fathers by the time they're my age. I honestly don't think I could handle kids or being a father based on some very negative experiences I had with trying to get close to a couple single mothers and seriously questioning my sanity and well being from it. But find someone my age here with zero kids? I have a higher chance of winning the lottery half the time I think.

Some people say maybe I should just move? Well being high functioning autistic (and im sure as most autistic people can relate) drastic change like that is a big no to me, and I'm certainly not gonna quit my job at Costco where I work. I know I'm not gonna find another job that pays nearly $23 an hour with benefits for having nothing more than a high school diploma.

Being in a small city there isn't a lot of places for people my age to meet and gather for me to meet other people possibly. I'm not really religious so meeting someone at a place like a church is out of the question, and even if I was/wanted too my work hours don't really allow it. Dating people at work is also a big no for me. Most are married or with someone, and the ones that aren't are usually having affairs with someone else working there. I swear my job is a real life version of some soap opera half the time.

Dating sites I refuse to use anymore after all the bad experiences I've had on them. 9 out of 10 girls I message don't respond and the one that did I could tell was doing it to be nice but clearly had no intention of ever meeting me in real life for dinner or coffee. For the record I didn't send them messages like "hey sexy!" or "your hawt" like I'm sure the typical mentality does. I'd see that some might put in their profile they liked video games, so I'd send a message asking what their favorite game was, and telling them what mine was so they could see I took a few mins to scroll past their pictures and read their bio.

Dating apps I don't use anymore either. More often then not their isn't enough people in my city using them. I tried Tinder and I'm convinced that there isn't a single human female using that app, its all just spam bots.

My parents and peers are always on my case about being my age and seem dumbfounded that I'm still not married yet or have someone. A comerical for Match.com or one of the paid dating sites comes up on the tv and my parents are on my case about signing up for the free weekend. Funny thing is most of those you can sign up for "free" anytime you want, it just costs money to message people. I've looked on a couple of those and its usually the same pool of 30-40 some girls on the free dating sites that never messaged me back or rejected me. So do you think I'm going to spend money on one of those sites? Nope.

My mom is good friends with my close female friend that I consider to be my bff thats married with kids. I know it drives her insane that she has all these friends of mine to admire their kids, but no grandkids of her own. All I can say is I hope my sister finds someone and has a family, because it probably won't be from me anytime soon, if ever.

I don't know if it makes sense to say this, but I'm just tired of running into this invisible brick wall when it comes to romance and don't have the energy for it anymore. Anyone else feel this way? And please no cliche responses like "you'll find someone" or "theres someone for everyone". This is the real world, not fictitious romance novels/movies that give a very false outlook on how romance and the real world works.


Alright you have three choices when you reach this point.

Before we start I want you to watch this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj6JOX_zDnk

Ok now your choices assuming you watched the video are this.
1 Join the red pill learn their ways and have tons of sex, short relationships to slightly long but never be happy with women again.

OR

2 Improve yourself to the fullest possible clothes everything, and start working out and you will see women flock to you naturally. Accept it and progress.

OR

3 Wait for life to come to you one day which may or may not happen but you never know. Life is what you make of it.



AngelRho
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 7,511
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile

23 Sep 2017, 11:02 am

Silver said it better and more succinct than I can. I can put you on a fast track to dating based on more philosophical ideas I've come up with over the last few years, but I've probably exceeded my post length quota for the next decade or so and won't go into it just yet.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. But the old cliches and platitudes always end up being true. It's sad that you have to experience it for yourself to accept them as true, but the old "hang in there" and similar routines really do work.

Leaving that aside, since I know that's not what you want, there are a few things about your post I can address. I'm currently "stuck" where I am due to 2 jobs, plus being married with a wife who FINALLY has a job she loves and 3 kids in a very nice but affordable private school. I'd like to go where I could make more money in the music biz, but we'd lose everything over something that "might" happen. In the risk/benefit analysis, am I right to stay where I'm unhappy but doing the most good for others, or am I right to uproot my family, force us all to give up everything and go for broke, all over something that might not even work out?

It's frightening, because even though we are impoverished, we at least have stability. Giving up that stability is scary.

The same goes for your Costco gig. You have a lot to give up if you move. This makes sense. But what is more important to you? Getting married and starting a family, or staying stuck in your hometown and working at Costco? When you are single, you can afford to take risks. We've done things that put us on the street. Yeah, try being a family of 4 and homeless. When you are single, you can always run home to mom or grandparents when things get too tough, just for a few weeks while you get back on your feet. I've had to run home to mom before. Never more than 2 or 3 months. No shame in that. But if you want the advantages of a new location, you're gonna have to give up some of that stability and just go for it. In YOUR case, unlike mine, there's less to lose. I strongly suggest you take time, as much as you need, to work it all out in your mind and hit the road. Get a plan, make some contacts, then hit the road.

The last thing I want to say is you have some ideas or attitudes that are going to make you unattractive to women. The whole kids thing...not good. Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. I didn't want them, either. I did it for two reasons: 1. SHE wanted them, and 2. I felt it was the right thing to do. Scared me to death. No idea what I was doing. Like, when you feed an infant, and all he does is puke, have runny diapers, and cries all the time? Then you figure out how to keep him calm, the problems ease up, then he goes all pale and unresponsive? Yeah...almost killed a kid because I was an idiot who couldn't figure out how to keep a baby hydrated. Ok...the hospital got him straightened out and I got my act together. He's 10 years old, loves archery, hates vegetables, and plays the piano.

MOST people won't have to experience that. Babies are usually tough and resilient, even my oldest (don't get me started on my daughter, or my youngest kid who is so strong he punched clear through a condom the night he was conceived). After you get through potty training and they hit 3yo, they pretty much don't need you anymore. What we did that helped me was we just absorbed them into our daily routines. We go to a church music conference every summer, which includes topical breakout sessions sometimes led by big names in Christian music. Great for us, boring for the kids. But we have trained and disciplined our kids to endure hour after hour of these things so they can sit with us during these events. No iPhone games, no toys, no coloring books.

Kids are scary really only if you've never had them. They're not NEARLY as bad as you'd think. You only have to stay on top of behavior. By 4 years, you shouldn't be having any problems with them. That's the hard part, because you have to be tough on them EVERY DAY, firm and consistent. If you have older kids, put them in charge of the youngest. We've rarely had to discipline our youngest child because of how well the older two manage his behavior, plus they've included him so much in their own play that good behavior is the only behavior he knows.

If you absolutely DO NOT WANT KIDS, far be it from me or anyone else to tell you to have kids. Some people should NOT reproduce. I understand and I'm not here to judge or belittle anyone. It's your life, your business. I'm only making two points here. First, it's not as bad as you might think. Second, if you're so determined (and, again, that's OK if you are), you're going to run into the problem of finding a girl as equally opposed to the idea as you are. It might work more to your advantage if you CAN figure out some way of softening just a little to the idea of giving a girl some babies. That's your business and I can't tell you what to do. It's a suggestion and nothing more.

Lastly, why is marriage/family/LTR so important? Everyone has a diff answer to that question. It's an important one. People who genuinely want that in their lives will do whatever it takes, make no excuses, and make themselves open to any or all possibilities. Reading through your post, I don't think you're really open to enough options to make you viable for dating. If dating/relationships are not important enough for you to do something about it, why bother worrying about it? I think, and correct me if I'm wrong here, but I think your family is more concerned about it than you are and you're just feeling the pressure from them. Ignore them. Live your life the way you want to. If you know a girl who's bored on a Friday night, ask her out. As friends, not with any expectations. Bring the kid, too, if she has one. Enjoy yourself. But don't feel you HAVE to or take any relationship to the next level just to satisfy mom.



Boxman108
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jan 2012
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,857
Location: NH

23 Sep 2017, 1:50 pm

Sell your soul and you'll get your external validation. Personally I would tell your parents to f**k off but that's just me.


_________________
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or
just walking dully along...


K_Kelly
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Apr 2014
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,452

23 Sep 2017, 7:25 pm

I think Angel has some interesting advice and anecdotes to share here. For the record, I'm not absolutely opposed to having kids, but I have my reservations for now at least. If the challenge comes up, I might be able to handle kids better than I would expect.



bobchaos
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

Joined: 20 Aug 2017
Gender: Male
Posts: 79
Location: Somewhere between the North pole and South pole

23 Sep 2017, 8:52 pm

Being depressed about being lonely is a self-perpetuating cycle that can only end when you choose to do something about it. These forums are filled with great (and some not so great ;) ) tips on getting out of that cycle, I'd recommend you keep poking around on here and figure for yourself what's the best course of action for you.

The most common tip is to look after yourself and your own happiness. It's a hard one to live by (having issues with it myself) but in my (admittedly limited) experience it's really the only thing that will attract quality girls. I only ever seem to attract girls when I'm minding my work and being awesome at it. Mind you, that's just step 1, but you know, small increments and all that.

One more thing: If you believe your location is part of the issue, Costco is HUGE. I bet you could ask for a transfer to another store if you want to go look for love elsewhere.



SectorStar
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 25 May 2009
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 104
Location: Roseburg, Oregon

23 Sep 2017, 11:46 pm

bobchaos wrote:

One more thing: If you believe your location is part of the issue, Costco is HUGE. I bet you could ask for a transfer to another store if you want to go look for love elsewhere.


True on it being huge, but being able to transfer is not as easy as you may think it is. Especially if its warehouses in bigger cities. The ones up north from me I know lots of employees that have been trying to transfer for years, but can't because there isn't any spots available in those locations unless someone quits or dies.

Part of why I got hired on was because I applied when they first started building my store. And it probably had to do also with out of 3,500 people applying, 70 percent of the first wave slated to be hired failed the drug test. I'm probably the 1 percent of the population here in my city that can function as a human without pot or drugs <_<

Even at my little store (which is considered smaller than most warehouses) we don't get a lot of new hires unless a lot of people quit which doesn't happen often. The only time I can really think of is a few years back when several female employees got pregnant back to back and didn't want to return to work after their maternity leave was over with.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,467
Location: US

24 Sep 2017, 1:21 am

Costco pays a living middle class wage, people don't quit Costco and spots rarely open up. All other retailers pay min wage and treat their employees like crap. And they have lots and lots of turn over for it. I imagine it cost them more to train new people then it would to pay their current employees nought to stay. Lots of people leaving my store for better paying jobs :( won't be many people left who are nice to me.



that1weirdgrrrl
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 38
Gender: Female
Posts: 166

24 Sep 2017, 2:44 pm

SectorStar wrote:
bobchaos wrote:

One more thing: If you believe your location is part of the issue, Costco is HUGE. I bet you could ask for a transfer to another store if you want to go look for love elsewhere.


True on it being huge, but being able to transfer is not as easy as you may think it is. Especially if its warehouses in bigger cities. The ones up north from me I know lots of employees that have been trying to transfer for years, but can't because there isn't any spots available in those locations unless someone quits or dies.

Part of why I got hired on was because I applied when they first started building my store. And it probably had to do also with out of 3,500 people applying, 70 percent of the first wave slated to be hired failed the drug test. I'm probably the 1 percent of the population here in my city that can function as a human without pot or drugs <_<

Even at my little store (which is considered smaller than most warehouses) we don't get a lot of new hires unless a lot of people quit which doesn't happen often. The only time I can really think of is a few years back when several female employees got pregnant back to back and didn't want to return to work after their maternity leave was over with.


Maybe put in for transfers to several locations? That way if something opens up, it increases your odds of being picked.

Also, it never hurts to shoot off some job applications. Maybe another chain will want to hire you.

I realize all of this is playing the numbers game, but if you have a little time, I'd think it'd be worth it.

Best of luck



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,467
Location: US

24 Sep 2017, 8:37 pm

that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
SectorStar wrote:
bobchaos wrote:

One more thing: If you believe your location is part of the issue, Costco is HUGE. I bet you could ask for a transfer to another store if you want to go look for love elsewhere.


True on it being huge, but being able to transfer is not as easy as you may think it is. Especially if its warehouses in bigger cities. The ones up north from me I know lots of employees that have been trying to transfer for years, but can't because there isn't any spots available in those locations unless someone quits or dies.

Part of why I got hired on was because I applied when they first started building my store. And it probably had to do also with out of 3,500 people applying, 70 percent of the first wave slated to be hired failed the drug test. I'm probably the 1 percent of the population here in my city that can function as a human without pot or drugs <_<

Even at my little store (which is considered smaller than most warehouses) we don't get a lot of new hires unless a lot of people quit which doesn't happen often. The only time I can really think of is a few years back when several female employees got pregnant back to back and didn't want to return to work after their maternity leave was over with.


Maybe put in for transfers to several locations? That way if something opens up, it increases your odds of being picked.

Also, it never hurts to shoot off some job applications. Maybe another chain will want to hire you.

I realize all of this is playing the numbers game, but if you have a little time, I'd think it'd be worth it.

Best of luck

Other chains will never pay $23 an hour. It'll be min wage or maybe at most 13 for wearhouse who work overnight. I dont know that my mangers make that much, the general manger might.



funeralxempire
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,827

24 Sep 2017, 8:49 pm

sly279 wrote:
Costco pays a living middle class wage, people don't quit Costco and spots rarely open up. All other retailers pay min wage and treat their employees like crap. And they have lots and lots of turn over for it. I imagine it cost them more to train new people then it would to pay their current employees nought to stay. Lots of people leaving my store for better paying jobs :( won't be many people left who are nice to me.


But to the newbies you're 'that guy who's been here awhile' and useful. They might be nice to you even if they don't care for you on the basis that you're useful and better integrated then they are.


_________________
Let's celebrate the superiority of our ideas by calling everyone who disagrees a cuck.


BTDT
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jul 2010
Age: 55
Gender: Female
Posts: 4,717

24 Sep 2017, 9:23 pm

Most guys on the spectrum take longer to mature and therefore get into relationships later in life than average. Fortunately, a few extra years isn't as big a problem for a guy as it is for a girl. For the most part, girls are more interested in wealth and a good job than youth, while it is the other way around for guys. I didn't get married until I was 36. Which isn't unusual for someone on the spectrum.



SectorStar
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 25 May 2009
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 104
Location: Roseburg, Oregon

24 Sep 2017, 11:21 pm

sly279 wrote:
that1weirdgrrrl wrote:
SectorStar wrote:
bobchaos wrote:

One more thing: If you believe your location is part of the issue, Costco is HUGE. I bet you could ask for a transfer to another store if you want to go look for love elsewhere.


True on it being huge, but being able to transfer is not as easy as you may think it is. Especially if its warehouses in bigger cities. The ones up north from me I know lots of employees that have been trying to transfer for years, but can't because there isn't any spots available in those locations unless someone quits or dies.

Part of why I got hired on was because I applied when they first started building my store. And it probably had to do also with out of 3,500 people applying, 70 percent of the first wave slated to be hired failed the drug test. I'm probably the 1 percent of the population here in my city that can function as a human without pot or drugs <_<

Even at my little store (which is considered smaller than most warehouses) we don't get a lot of new hires unless a lot of people quit which doesn't happen often. The only time I can really think of is a few years back when several female employees got pregnant back to back and didn't want to return to work after their maternity leave was over with.


Maybe put in for transfers to several locations? That way if something opens up, it increases your odds of being picked.

Also, it never hurts to shoot off some job applications. Maybe another chain will want to hire you.

I realize all of this is playing the numbers game, but if you have a little time, I'd think it'd be worth it.

Best of luck

Other chains will never pay $23 an hour. It'll be min wage or maybe at most 13 for wearhouse who work overnight. I dont know that my mangers make that much, the general manger might.


Exactly! Most retail stores from when I checked from yearly statistics posted online only pay around a couple dollars above min wage with no chance of a raise or increase, or at best a couple dollars. In Oregon min wage is a few cents shy of $10 an hour. I had a friend that got a "manager" position in a retail chain not that long ago that paid $12. When I started working at Costco back in 2010 the starting wage there was $11.25. At the moment I think they bumped it up to $12 an hour. After every so many hours you work you're guaranteed a raise till you top out around $23 an hour. It usually takes about 6-8 years for a part time employee to top out depending on the hours they work and their attendance record. I've never missed a day of work in my 7 years there and usually worked atleast slightly over 30 hours a week. So a starting new hire at Costco makes more money than most retail managers make. Needless to say I'm glad I got hired on when I did there.

I know a lot of you are trying to help, but I have no interest in moving away somewhere else for romance.



sly279
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 Dec 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 12,467
Location: US

25 Sep 2017, 5:18 am

funeralxempire wrote:
sly279 wrote:
Costco pays a living middle class wage, people don't quit Costco and spots rarely open up. All other retailers pay min wage and treat their employees like crap. And they have lots and lots of turn over for it. I imagine it cost them more to train new people then it would to pay their current employees nought to stay. Lots of people leaving my store for better paying jobs :( won't be many people left who are nice to me.


But to the newbies you're 'that guy who's been here awhile' and useful. They might be nice to you even if they don't care for you on the basis that you're useful and better integrated then they are.

I'm up in the corner away from everyone, most newbies don't even know I work at the store. I imagine the women tell them about me. Had new lady who always been mean to me. Though it's probably just I'm a min wage guy so why waste their time with me.