Obsession?

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For the longest time I've tried to fit a certain stereotype. I wanted to be prissy and fashion obsessed but after years of faking the real me is trapped. A lot of this was peer pressure and being picked on for not straightening my hair, not wearing super feminine clothes and heavy makeup.

Instead of being complimented on a t shirt with a band I enjoy, I was praised for wearing a skirt one day. The skirt was a pain to wear. My first day of high school I took started dressing girly and wearing tons of makeup that distracted me from my schoolwork.

It made people happy so I figured if they were happy I would be happy but I wasn't happy. Their happiness was all that mattered to me.

I tell my mom that I am the happiest I have ever been but I feel like nothing I do will be as perfect as other people who make people happy.

Am I obsessed with what other people think?

Determining that is a matter of degree and I can't read your mind to see to what degree it affects you.
A desire to fit in is normal, humans have a basic need for relationship of some kind to some degree or another.


Quite a few people discover that about life. It is a struggle. I don't have a simple fix to offer.

Best thing I can think to offer is to accept that you are the only person you have to live with 24/7/365, so it would seem a thing to do is figure out what comes from inside you that it is comfortable for you to offer to yourself.
Now, the precise step by step details of how to do that, I can't define to offer. And it may or may not be as simple to do as it may sound, anyway.

And at this point I run out of words which make sense.

Probably the older you get the less you care what other people think. Im 32 now. I used to care what other people think. Now I peacfully dont give a f**k. I just want to be comfortable.

I can sign with my name, too, word by word.

Hey, if you tell your mother you are the happiest ever when you don't feel it, you are starting to live a fake life. I don't know your mother, maybe she is not the one you can be honest with, but be honest at least to yourself. What would you choose if it wasn't for other people's opinion? I don't say you should change or stop now, rather something llike - be aware of your real self even when you perform for others.

I say it because I got so faked in my life that for years I had no idea who I really was and what I really felt. I just didn't make sense to myself. And then all my neglected feelings and emotions got wild and I needed a psychiatric treatment - which wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't misdiagnosed. And I was misdiagnosed because I didn't know who I was and what I was feeling.

It's okay to perform for others. Just stay aware of who you are And allow yourself sometimes to explore what you like when you are not performing.