running into the woods to eat pine cones

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Greetings,
Here is some ranting in the form of My Life's Story, LOL... its maybe a bit long...maybe...hehe, but I hope not too boring.
But, I'm new here, and if anyone is on MSN and wants to
chat, my address is [email protected].

I'm a 21 year old female from Canada and I just discovered that there was such a thing as Asperger's a few weeks ago. I found it because I went on a little journey, seeking out something that would "prove" that my ideas were not only in my head- the ideas that I never did quite fit in with other more "normal" people that surrounded me...and that my brain seemed to have some kind of permanent wiring problem that didnt allow me to do those things that others do so easily.
After a somewhat nasty conversation, with someone who would keep repeating that, if I only "tried" to be social, and "changed my state of mind", things would work out for me- I decided to do the research and find out if there was anything that actually corresponded with my own version of my self. And Asperger's appears to be exactly it.

I can place myself into many of the "symptoms" of Aspergers.
I have never had many friends. I can count the number of real friends I have had in my lifetime on one hand. I think normally, some people would have trouble admitting that, but isnt blunt honesty another characteristic of AS?
When I was younger, I basically did what I wanted. I even skipped kindergarden, to play outside while the other kids were inside reading stories. I just didnt understand why I should listen to the teacher, if I wanted to do something different. This was probably the most social I ever was! Because the other kids, seemed to think it was cool that this girl was rebelling against her teacher, so quite a few kids wanted to play with me. I was always just considered "very shy" with everyone, though.
But then, with the problems at school, I began to be punished for my "deviant behaviours", and my parents because very strict and abusive towards me. I even had my 5th birthday party cancelled, because I did something bad at school when I promised I wouldnt. And to a 5 year old...that can seem like the end of the world, especially for one who has trouble relating to other kids, LOL They just figured that I was acting out because I was a brat, and that the behaviour could be conditioned out of me, I guess. And they were right. I stopped "acting out" and made sure I blindly followed authority figures for fear of punishment. Basically, All my energy was withdrawn into myself.
I spent a lot of time alone, and really had only one friend that I could socialize with that was also a kind of outcast. I did want to play with the other kids, I just didnt know why they didnt like me, or what I was doing wrong. Sometimes I would just make snowmen by myself and then sit with them and have converstions....secretly hoping another kid would join me to build the snowman. Or I would do strange things to pass the time, like... taking long pieces of grass and making long intricate ropes that would be a project lasting weeks. I hoped that someone would come by and see my grass creation, and see how beautiful it was and be impressed and want to talk to me, but that never happened either. I would just make these ropes of grass and then hide them around the schoolyard
I also had some interests that I guess would be bizzare, compared to the interests of normal children. I was really into dinasaurs, fossils, and rocks... and for my 9th birthday I asked for a pick axe so I could do my own prospecting. It then moved on to...UFO's/Ghosts/Cryptozoology. I always read a lot too, and would go to the library every week and often just pick out a random book on any subject.
In school, I never did very well, because I hated being there. I always felt bored, and was teased by other kids and thought the teachers were always patronizing me. I knew I wasn't stupid...but because I had such difficulty explaining myself, most people just figured that I was.
In high school, not much changed. There were some new people, and I made a good friend with someone who was genuinely interested in who I was, but those who knew me from elementary school continued to ignore and tease me.
But because I was older, and it was high school... the time when you are supposed to have boyfriends and booze parties and badgirl adventures... I really started noticing my "outcastedness" even more. I became very depressed, and would spend days in bed, and cut myself. At this time, I hadnt even heard of anyone cutting themselves before. It was just something I did, because it seemed to be relaxing for me. But soon after that, I noticed that it became a semi-fad, and that other girls had "copied" me. I found that...just too ironic, that the only social influence I would have would be for THAT. LOL.

But, anyway.... moving fast forward to NOW.
I'm still the same person, and as I get older, I still dont get along with people.

But I'm tired now, of trying and trying to be "normal", and I'm tired of thinking that something is terribly wrong with me. And I'm very tired of thinking I always have to change. Thats no way to live.
And the thing is, I love living, and I love people. I love people so much that when I meet someone I want to know who they are, why they are, and everything about them. I just dont seem to know how to do it properly In fact, I'm pretty much devoting my life to studying people, because im studying anthropology and psychology in university.

I'm pretty sure that If I actually pursued getting a diagnosis, that I would be diasgnosed with this funny sounding syndrome. But even so, the learning that it is in fact something that I was "born with" and not just a lack of my own trying, does not change how hard life is for me.
1) I can't keep a job. Even if I manage to get past the interview process, I only ever last a few weeks, before someone in management tells me "i'm not a team player", or... "this isnt the right job for me". As if scraping greasy meat were a job suitable for ANYONE...LOL But this has been a big problem for me... because its very depressing knowing that I can't just keep a job and get a little apartment and support myself like more "normal people". So...I'm one of those people who are basically FORCED to get a university education... because, I dont have much choice.
2)My inability to communicate with others. If I'm at a party, or the bar or something... I just end up sitting there by myself. If I try to talk to people, I just end up saying something weird and people dont talk to me for very long. I also have a hard time doing oral presentations. It doesnt matter how well I know a subject, the words get twisted around in my head and I end up sounding like a moron.
3)People misunderstanding me. Often I've been told that it seems like I have an "attitude problem", or that I'm "too serious", or...something weird where I'm like "um, what?" LOL...cause it seems to be so unlike me.

I just can't seem to do the small talk thing, nope. And I do have a little problem with ranting about inappropriate subjects. My boyfriend banned me from watching Dr. Phill... or reality tv shows... because I would just have a workout if I ever watched them, LOL... I just go off and its like "well, why are these people doing that? How can they be so stupid? Why dont they just tell the truth? How can they be so self-absorbed!!"
Or if Ive been drinking I'll start to rant about philosophy or the social structure of the chimpanzee society...LOL

MANY MANY times, I've been through periods where I have said to myself... "Okay, you are in a different place, these people dont know you, so this is a chance to start over and get out there and be friendly and do well in the job, and everything will be great".
And for a little while, it does work. I can "fake it", for a little while. But then, things begin to return to normal, and I get back into the routine of being myself....
....and...I just want to run into the woods and spend the rest of my life in a cave eating pine cones.

Hello, from a fellow faker. I am currently in the most unfaking period in my life. I just seem to have lost the energy as of lately. Welcome to wrongplanet.net. I hope that you will post lots of comments. Seems like your really smart. You figured out alot more about yourself and on your own than I was ever able to. Talk to you later.

Why greetings, mysticaria. What a mystique-filled name you have

Hey, I relate to a lot of your life experiences. Thanks for sharing. For a long time, I was like "if only I had a NAME to attach to this, then I'd know"... I know I was optimistically looking for some nice, tidy package to wrap up into a bundle and then be able to present whenever someone said to me, "What's wrong with you!" Of course I see things more positively now.

Sounds like you are doing well for yourself, and with a boyfriend too! You have shared your info about AS with him too, yes? I had to laugh at the "badgirl adventures" part. Yes, I know what you mean. Cryptozoology, you say? Cool... I like Ogopogo myself Were you into X-Files or Unsolved Mysteries or even the Time-Life series of books on the subject?

For the record, I don't like Dr. Phil's advice. It's cruel, condescending, and a cheap shot of words that don't solve the problem. Easy to say, so much harder to do.

Ever really ate a pine cone? ?

welcome to the madhouse

Well, hehe, hmm...I DID have a boyfriend, but now we're just "good friends." He is a very patient and caring person tho.

Oh, all of the above
I swim in that lake, and I keep hoping that I'll run into Ogopogo, but...not yet! That I know of.

People here seem interesting and nice and open about their problems.
Some other boards I looked at briefly, there were a lot of arrogant people who seem to think they are better than "NT's" ...which is just, in my opinion... furthering the problem of communication, and the boundaries between what is "normal" and "not normal". Its good to realize that you think differently... but, Its not so good to go around thinking that your mode of thinking is better than someone elses!

Hi, mysticaria!

I think that you made a valid point concerning university education. In my opinion the general rule is that the more one is educated, the more others are willing to tolerate that person's quirks. There is a point at which, in the eye of an employer, education and skills outweigh "difficult" personality. Also, an educated person is more likely to get a job with more responsibility and importance to the company. And if your function is important, it gets difficult for the employer to replace you. At least this was my experience. (It is a little biased by the fact that I am a programmer with comp sci degree, so I was expected to be a geek and not have high people skills.)

welcome to wrongplanet.net

Yes, I can relate to that. Whenever I see a show like Dr Phil or the like, I have this compulsion to interject comments like "how could they be so dumb", "what a w@nker" and so on. Some people who know me are used to it but when I was younger, it made my rather unpopular. I couldn't understand why I was the only one who seemed to see that people were faking it or the advice was patronising and condescending and so on.

Actually, Dr Phil's wife annoys me even more than Dr Phil, because she is so d@mn perfect or at least projects that persona. It's as if someone like that would never do anything as icky as having to go to the toilet.

Hi Mysticaria. Don't worry about long winded posts here.

I am wierd and accept it now. I conform just a tiny bit so i'm not too wierd. I went on a research rampage with autism when I first made the connection. Then came a period of connecting almost all my past problems in school to Aspergers. There wasn't much doubt that I had it at all after I made all kinds of connections between my personality and AS. When I saw doctors about it, I pretty much diagnosed myself and they agreed. I broke out papers that proved and cross referenced facts and research about AS and then proceeded to tell how I was similar.

I went through a period where I had lots of friends based on sports and activity. Then I had no friends in the junior highschool years. I could never figure out why people HAD to have Chip&Pepper shirts, Reebok pump sneakers and all that junk. I was the biggest loser in school! Then I gained very solid friendships with some people who were odd like me. Now I have maybe a handful of close friends with some other minor aquaintances and 'friends of friends'. I have re-arranged my life and am happier than ever!

I'm still in the research phase and maybe trying to accept that I have Aspergers. I thought I was accepting it well but now I realise that maybe I'm not.

Hi Mysticaria,

I too have trouble explaining things, except at my school they know that I'm way smarter on my assignments. I am very fortunate that I'm in band at my school; it's not filled with all preppy people and snobbs as some say, but it has all kinds of people in there, and everyone sort of knows and talks to eachother sometimes. I couldn't say that everyone in the band is my friend, but I have some acquaintances. I also have a few people in the band that are my friends, however. I feel like I'm on the more fortunate side of the AS spectrum, and I feel bad that some people in the world wouldn't spend time with any of these people at wrongplanet.net because they seemed too weird and not in the popular crowd; lots of these people here are very nice and have interesting personalities, and a person that says that they are too good for them doesn't see any of that, and judges them too quickly. I have had my times when I didn't have any friends, though, and my social skills are getting better, and that is always good. I feel that even people with AS need people, and aren't as independent as some people say that they are; I could be wrong about this. It's cool that you have a boyfriend, since for girls and women with AS it could be a huge accomplishment. I think that a certain degree of friends are always good, but not too many.