The childless choice

Post Reply New Topic

People are saying I'm too young to decide (16), but I personally don't ever want to have children. My main problem with it is sex, and as an asexual person sex isn't something I want to explore. (Nor do I think about it regularly.) I also don't think I'd be a good mother and I want to devote my time to other interests.

I said the same at 15. Felt the same way at your age now, and it hasn't changed in the years since.

Plus my support needs are a mixture of level 2 & 3. I'm not suited to motherhood. I can barely care for myself.

I had already decided at the age of 8 I wasn't having children. That was in the 1960s and I've always felt the same. Too much responsibility for my liking.

I'm still a bit young, but I resonate with what others are saying here. I don't think I could be a good mother, and because of that, I think the most selfless thing to do is not have kids.

I never actively thought I want or don't want kids - not even after I got married. I now have two adult boys, and a grandson. I'm sure I would have been fine without them, but they have made my life better in more ways than I can count. I'm not being sentimental here, but fact based. The tough times never lasted long in the scheme of things and there were/still are plenty of rewards.

When I was a small child, I thought that when everyone grew up, they got married and had kids, and that was just the way life worked. I knew I wasn’t going to have kids pretty much from the moment that I learned that isn’t true and that people have a choice about having kids. There are countless reasons it would be a living nightmare for me and the kid(s) (and for the father trying to manage both the kid(s) and me being unable to manage the kid(s) and probably having meltdowns several times a day because I just couldn’t handle it). It’s kindest for all involved for me not to bring any kids into existence and for me to not be a/one of a child’s primary caretaker(s).

Plus, of course, no kids of my own since I plan to go my entire life without performing the act that creates children (I’m asexual, it has exactly zero appeal to me). But it would also be a terrible idea for me to adopt one or more children, there are so many ways in which I’m just not cut out for parenting.

I can see the appeal in having children, but my concern is that if you decide to have a child, on some level that decision is about you. It's about your feelings. (Obviously the kid's feelings aren't taken into account, because they don't exist yet.)

When people you love become about you and how they make you feel, though, that can lead to covertly narcissistic behavior, which isn't good when someone is totally dependent on your advocacy for them.

The talk of rewards is looking in hindsight - at the time we lived very in the moment. When my boys were growing up I was lucky to have a supportive husband and we earned enough make ends meet. Even so, being a parent is not easy. Maybe I am covertly narcissistic now (never thought about it like that) because I have time on my hands - but not then. You just push through it all and hope you're doing a good enough job. When you have children you don't have a lot of control over little things. You become more flexible, you are forced to grow. You do what you can for your kids - they came first - I have a very strong sense of duty. This is my story and I know it isn't the same for everyone. I totally respect a woman's right to choose her own story. I love that women have a voice - family, career, sexuality, whatever. I never did follow the norms - I was always independent. I got divorced and raised them on my own since middle school and stayed single that entire time. My boys are independent and think for themselves too - both are unmarried but living with educated and strong women. My only goal was to break the stereotype of how I was raised and the frustrations it caused me. My kids have always had choices and options, I've always told them to find their own way. To do what feels right for them. (My strong sense of right and wrong, but now I know it has more to do with my aspie limitations). But they turned out ok, and so did I.