Is it time for me to give up?

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Marknis
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02 Nov 2017, 1:21 am

I keep feeling like it's time for me to just give up on the whole girlfriend issue. I am almost 30 and I should atleast have a long term girlfriend but I can't even get a date despite my best efforts. My siblings have gotten or are about to get married this year while I only got "I am too busy!" or "I don't hang out." this year.

I don't want to keep living single, though. Even if I give up, I still won't be happy. The people who hurt me will have won and my hopes for a better life would all be in vain. A life forcing myself to pretend I am ok just isn't worth living.



Boourns
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02 Nov 2017, 3:42 am

Hi Marknis, you've made a number of postings which ultimately ask the question you've posed above. To clarify:

Question:
Is it time for me to give up?
Answer:
No.

Comparing yourself and your accomplishments to others is a common feature in humans, but it's not helpful. Your goals must be things that make you feel accomplished, not things that you think other people think you should do/have.

Anyway, as has been said before, your queries would be much better discussed with a professional. They would be able to give you much better overall guidance and a more thorough exploration of any issues you may feel that you are having. Is a therapist something you can access?



MarissaKay
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02 Nov 2017, 6:49 am

Don't "give up", but I'd recommend putting the dream of having a girlfriend aside for a little bit; not permanently, but focus on other things before searching again.

Learn to like who you are and accept yourself before trying to find someone else to enter the picture. It's a process, but it's definitely worthwhile if you have the right motivations. If you don't want the people who've hurt you to "win", get to the point where it doesn't matter to you what they think or say. Then, they won't be able to faze you anymore. I can't tell you how to do this for yourself because that's something you need to figure out on your own.

It's really awful that some people are lead to believe that you're "less" of a person or "not whole" if you're single. That stuff is not true at all. Talking from experience, it is so much better to be single and happy with yourself than to hate yourself and be in a relationship. When your self-esteem is low, you tend to pick bad people thinking you might not have another option. Sometimes, you'll either ignore (or not even notice, in some cases) really bad red flags in a partner and it could result in years of abuse or emotional scarring.

Also, there is no real "age" when one should be married or be in a relationship. I have two older siblings in their 30s who are still single. One of them has an amazing career and friends that keep her insanely busy and the other one just doesn't want to date right now. They're both happy adults who are doing just fine in their lives without relationships.

I wish you luck.



Seff
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02 Nov 2017, 6:57 am

I always used to have massive issues talking to girls and such, I think part of my problem was that I'd get too hung up over someone - there was no one else and I'd get myself into a right state of not knowing what to say for fear of ruining the relationship completely. (Although I rarely ever got to the point of conversation so most people I've ever had a crush on, I never spoke to)

I got to a similar point where I decided to 'give up' and stop looking and that's roughly when I met my partner and we've been together for over ten years now. It was a struggle and I've suffered from headaches for pretty much the whole time we've been together (but I think that's stress due to Aspergers... hopefully...)

So in a way I guess I'm saying you can sort of give up - for me things got easier when I 'stopped looking'


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02 Nov 2017, 7:27 am

MarissaKay wrote:
Don't "give up", but I'd recommend putting the dream of having a girlfriend aside for a little bit; not permanently, but focus on other things before searching again.

Learn to like who you are and accept yourself before trying to find someone else to enter the picture. It's a process, but it's definitely worthwhile if you have the right motivations. If you don't want the people who've hurt you to "win", get to the point where it doesn't matter to you what they think or say. Then, they won't be able to faze you anymore. I can't tell you how to do this for yourself because that's something you need to figure out on your own.

It's really awful that some people are lead to believe that you're "less" of a person or "not whole" if you're single. That stuff is not true at all. Talking from experience, it is so much better to be single and happy with yourself than to hate yourself and be in a relationship. When your self-esteem is low, you tend to pick bad people thinking you might not have another option. Sometimes, you'll either ignore (or not even notice, in some cases) really bad red flags in a partner and it could result in years of abuse or emotional scarring.

Also, there is no real "age" when one should be married or be in a relationship. I have two older siblings in their 30s who are still single. One of them has an amazing career and friends that keep her insanely busy and the other one just doesn't want to date right now. They're both happy adults who are doing just fine in their lives without relationships.

I wish you luck.


There's a huge stigma with being perpetually single. A lot of people won't say it to your face, but it's there. How many times have you heard the phrases "get a girlfriend", "you need to get laid", and so on, as an insult to all sorts of things? It sucks.

Not to mention the constant feelings of inadequacy when nobody considers you attractive. That stings hard. It's not easy to shake those feelings when everybody around you has heaps of relationship experience.



TheSpectrum
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02 Nov 2017, 8:22 am

I'd maybe stop making new threads for a while and start using your old ones to tackle your existing issues.

As for dating, I wouldn't give up on that. Just take a break from pursuing it for a while.
You've been advised that a lot of times, it might be worth finally listening to it.

The thing about us Aspies is when we want something we obsess over it and don't apply any logical or normal restraint on those desires, and we will do anything to justify what we're doing. Right now, you probably think it's ok to keep making these threads, or to keep repeating yourself in hope of new texts that will satiate your cognitive bias. I'd say don't fall privvy to that. It's hard, but just take a breather, step back and review everything you've done, are doing, and will do.

I might sound like a jerk for saying that but ultimately the only way I got out of a huge rut like this was rewiring myself to the point of smashing a lot of how my ego had formed my way of thinking and defending itself. I'm not saying become a lesser person, or a weaker person, or apologise. I am saying though, take 5 and rethink.


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Closet Genious
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02 Nov 2017, 8:44 am

Yes, give up.

As me and many others have told you, you should focus on increasing your marketplace value first, and "finding a girlfriend" second, but you don't want to listen because you watch too much anime, and think relationships work like they do in anime. But they don't, anime is a male fantasy.
"Real love" is quite frankly like a bussiness transaction, and if you don't have alot to offer, it's gonna be very difficult to get into a relationship.



Fireblossom
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02 Nov 2017, 9:01 am

Closet Genious wrote:
As me and many others have told you, you should focus on increasing your marketplace value first, and "finding a girlfriend" second, but you don't want to listen because you watch too much anime, and think relationships work like they do in anime. But they don't, anime is a male fantasy.


No offence but you clearly don't know what you're talking about when it comes to anime; there are lot of different kinds just like there are different books, movies or TV shows. True, some have very unrealistic ideas of romance and relationships, but in some others they can be very realistic. Plus, there is lot of different anime. Not nearly all of it is meant for men. Maybe you should make sure you actually know something about a subject before using it as a reason to someone else's problems...

Besides, lately I've read lot of Markins' posts and he barely mentions anime so what makes you think he watches it too much? Has he actually said somewhere that he watches it five hours a day as a routine or something?



TheSpectrum
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02 Nov 2017, 9:06 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
As me and many others have told you, you should focus on increasing your marketplace value first, and "finding a girlfriend" second, but you don't want to listen because you watch too much anime, and think relationships work like they do in anime. But they don't, anime is a male fantasy.


No offence but you clearly don't know what you're talking about when it comes to anime; there are lot of different kinds just like there are different books, movies or TV shows. True, some have very unrealistic ideas of romance and relationships, but in some others they can be very realistic. Plus, there is lot of different anime. Not nearly all of it is meant for men. Maybe you should make sure you actually know something about a subject before using it as a reason to someone else's problems...

Besides, lately I've read lot of Markins' posts and he barely mentions anime so what makes you think he watches it too much? Has he actually said somewhere that he watches it five hours a day as a routine or something?

It's a bit puerile to interpret CG saying that Marknis watches too much Anime as him saying all Anime is the same just because you happen to like Anime and feel offended. I appreciate you like to watch Anime, but think it through - Closet Genius is implying that Marknis watches too much Anime that specifically portrays unrealistic male fantasies as the norm, not that all Anime does this.


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Fireblossom
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02 Nov 2017, 9:11 am

TheSpectrum wrote:
It's a bit puerile to interpret CG saying that Marknis watches too much Anime as him saying all Anime is the same just because you happen to like Anime and feel offended. I appreciate you like to watch Anime, but think it through - Closet Genius is implying that Marknis watches too much Anime that specifically portrays unrealistic male fantasies as the norm, not that all Anime does this.


You might be right; I may have taken it a bit too literally. However, does he know what anime Markins watches and has he seen these series himself or checked what kind of stories they are? If not then I can't see how he could make such a statement; there's just no logic in it. In that case it's all just an assumption... of course, if Markins has told him what he watches and he knows what kind of series they are then it's another story.



TheSpectrum
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02 Nov 2017, 9:28 am

Probably just the avatar and a fleeting mention of it in the past, but I digress. :P

Marknis, don't give up just take a break.


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Closet Genious
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02 Nov 2017, 9:34 am

Okay, first off, I am by no means an expert in anime, so I what I said was simply based off of several things I've observed along with a few assumptions.

1: All forms of entertainment can carry certain amount of idealism with it, but from the little anime I have seen, anime seemed to push idealism to an absolute extreme.

2: I assume most creators of anime are male, correct me if I am wrong.

3: I assume most consumers of anime are male, correct me if I am wrong.

4: I have talked/chatted with alot of males who watch anime on the internet, and in my experience, these men are also the ones who have the most unrealistic views on love and relationships. They don't have alot of real world experience, with relationships or women in general, so these love fantasies become their foundation for understanding love and women.


I know, it's very unscientific and alot of assumptions. I know it sounds cocky, but I am still fairly certain that I'm correct with my hypothesis here.

BTW: I am by no means trying to say that there's anything wrong with anime as entertainment or an artform.



Fireblossom
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02 Nov 2017, 9:51 am

Closet Genious wrote:
Okay, first off, I am by no means an expert in anime, so I what I said was simply based off of several things I've observed along with a few assumptions.

1: All forms of entertainment can carry certain amount of idealism with it, but from the little anime I have seen, anime seemed to push idealism to an absolute extreme.

2: I assume most creators of anime are male, correct me if I am wrong.

3: I assume most consumers of anime are male, correct me if I am wrong.

4: I have talked/chatted with alot of males who watch anime on the internet, and in my experience, these men are also the ones who have the most unrealistic views on love and relationships. They don't have alot of real world experience, with relationships or women in general, so these love fantasies become their foundation for understanding love and women.


I know, it's very unscientific and alot of assumptions. I know it sounds cocky, but I am still fairly certain that I'm correct with my hypothesis here.

BTW: I am by no means trying to say that there's anything wrong with anime as entertainment or an artform.


1. Some do, some don't. Depends on what kind of anime one watches... the most well known ones are usually ones meant for kids and teens and they have more that kind of stuff. It is completely possible that you've mostly watched these.

2. Could be, but there are lot of women too.

3. Probably depends a bit on area, but where I come from it seems more like 50/50.

4. I won't deny that there are lot of men like that, but there are also lot of the ones who watch a lot of anime and still have their feet on the ground (many of them even have girlfriends.) It's probably just a coinsidence that you tend to end up talking with these types of people... or then it is in some site that tends to interest these kind of people.

And yes, it does sound a bit cocky.

I was pretty sure that that wasn't what you meant. It just tends to annoy me when people assume things about something they don't really know much about and use them in topics like this when all they really know about the matter seem to be the stereotypes... then again that's probably how I would sound if I talked about ice hockey to someone who knows a lot about it.



Marknis
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02 Nov 2017, 10:02 am

Closet Genious wrote:
Yes, give up.

As me and many others have told you, you should focus on increasing your marketplace value first, and "finding a girlfriend" second, but you don't want to listen because you watch too much anime, and think relationships work like they do in anime. But they don't, anime is a male fantasy.
"Real love" is quite frankly like a bussiness transaction, and if you don't have alot to offer, it's gonna be very difficult to get into a relationship.


:roll:

Your post is full of extreme assumptions. I haven't watched any anime for the last few months of my life. I've actually considered dropping it from my interests because I've been mocked by elitists because I didn't know that "Major" stood for Motoko Kusanagi of Ghost in the Shell nor do I fanboy about the franchise and the elitism put a bad taste in my mouth for a long time.

Transaction? Bullshit. I've actually been in a relationship before and the girl actually approached me first. We were in the same support group and she didn't care that I was overweight or wasn't a jock. She was from Canada, though, so she wasn't born in the Bible Belt.



Last edited by Marknis on 02 Nov 2017, 10:12 am, edited 2 times in total.

Closet Genious
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02 Nov 2017, 10:03 am

Fireblossom wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
Okay, first off, I am by no means an expert in anime, so I what I said was simply based off of several things I've observed along with a few assumptions.

1: All forms of entertainment can carry certain amount of idealism with it, but from the little anime I have seen, anime seemed to push idealism to an absolute extreme.

2: I assume most creators of anime are male, correct me if I am wrong.

3: I assume most consumers of anime are male, correct me if I am wrong.

4: I have talked/chatted with alot of males who watch anime on the internet, and in my experience, these men are also the ones who have the most unrealistic views on love and relationships. They don't have alot of real world experience, with relationships or women in general, so these love fantasies become their foundation for understanding love and women.


I know, it's very unscientific and alot of assumptions. I know it sounds cocky, but I am still fairly certain that I'm correct with my hypothesis here.

BTW: I am by no means trying to say that there's anything wrong with anime as entertainment or an artform.


1. Some do, some don't. Depends on what kind of anime one watches... the most well known ones are usually ones meant for kids and teens and they have more that kind of stuff. It is completely possible that you've mostly watched these.

2. Could be, but there are lot of women too.

3. Probably depends a bit on area, but where I come from it seems more like 50/50.

4. I won't deny that there are lot of men like that, but there are also lot of the ones who watch a lot of anime and still have their feet on the ground (many of them even have girlfriends.) It's probably just a coinsidence that you tend to end up talking with these types of people... or then it is in some site that tends to interest these kind of people.

And yes, it does sound a bit cocky.

I was pretty sure that that wasn't what you meant. It just tends to annoy me when people assume things about something they don't really know much about and use them in topics like this when all they really know about the matter seem to be the stereotypes... then again that's probably how I would sound if I talked about ice hockey to someone who knows a lot about it.


Stereotypes are not always just made up things, alot of the time they are a result of actual tendencies.

Even the anime guys with girlfriends seem totally lost in idealism still.

Whether it's a result of watching anime, or anime just generally attracts men with this kind of mindset I can't say. Chicken or the egg.