I am in a really crappy predicament at the moment.
My boss recently found out that I wish to seek new employment (I don't know how as I never mentioned it, and I hadn't even started looking yet at the time) and she went and told her boss. He then asked to see me and asked me why I was doing this. I simply told him the truth, which was that I wish to evening classes at college in September (hopefully) and cannot work with the company anymore owing to the erratic shift patterns, but that I have until early August to find alternative employment. He seemed alright with this and let me carry on with what I was doing after that.
I am, unfortunately, also going through some emotional difficulty once again at the moment. My depression has made an unwelcome return (not too strongly but still) so am feeling emotionally fragile. As I'm sure some of you are aware (directly or indirectly), AS and depression are a really bad combination for many reasons. In myself, it heightens the social anxiety that is part of Asperger's immensely. I haven't been to the doctor yet but am considering it if I am really finding myself unable to cope. The fact that my dad could have cancer again (and he isn't seeing a doctor about it through fear), my boyfriend is rather ill with his conditions, that I'm far from where I want to be in life and the fact that I don't have as much time for friends and family as I would like aren't helping and are really getting me down. Not only that, the way people at work were choosing to talking to me and their lack of communication skills weren't helping at all as I was getting blamed for the errors of others.
My bosses at work began to notice that I no longer had the 'spring chicken' thing going on. Despite this, I was never taken aside and asked what was wrong or was everything alright. No. I had a disciplinary letter haphazardly chucked on my desk telling me I had to go to it the next day. The disciplinary cited poor performance and bad attitude at work and towards managers. I got advice from my solicitor that day who was shocked at the cowardly and sly way that it had been done. Despite this, I went to this disciplinary hearing and took a trusted work colleague in with me as I could not take my solicitor (who was acting as a friend as she is anyway) in as she wasn't a Trade Union Representative. My poor performance bit simply detailed that I was getting 99% of things right but 1% wrong. Humans make errors occasionally right? Plus I cited it on the fact that poor communication from managers was the main cause of the problem and that I only found out when they came over and starting bollocking me for things being wrong when they neglected to tell me. So how was it my fault exactly? And how can they expect me to be a better communicator with an ASD when they couldn't even do it? Then they told me they didn't like my negative attitude. I asked them why they hadn't asked me about it before instead of being sneaky (I always thought that everyone knew that depression meant you were negative but never mind). They also said that I frequently call the managers names in the middle of the sales floor, which was a pile of pants. What I actually do is either call it to their faces in a corner or not at all. And some of it was in gest (which everyone apart from me is allowed to do evidentally). I ended up getting a verbal warning for calling managers 'stupid' to their faces (fair enough I guess as you really shouldn't do it).
The communication in the office has vastly improved, but then I think that's because they had to and, perhaps, because they didn't want to be shown up any further by someone with a registered mental disability regarding communication. However, it has destroyed my trust in management in that office as I felt that they dealt with my ever worsening depression badly. Would anyone else agree with this? I have been made to feel that I cannot exhibit any form of the depression (even though I really can't help it) for fear I'll be treated with contempt or disciplined yet again and so I'm all false smiles etc to cover it up. I have turned into someone I hate (false) and so this problm at work is now overspilling into my personal life.
I find it difficult to wake up each day and go out the front door as it means I have to face people. My anxiety, as I said before, is abnormally heightened and it doesn't help when I have spend 5-6 days a week going to place in which the vast majority I deeply distrust in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over my head. I am finding this very very difficult right now.
My sister and boyfriend are being understanding, but my boyfriend shouldn't be having to go through this as he has his own health problems. I try not to mention it too much in front of him, but when I randomly start crying, I can't just say 'oh it's nothing' as he doesn't tend to believe that. Because of all this crap, I can't be there for him the way I want to be and this angers and upsets me because I love him very much and feel I'm letting him down. Don't get me wrong, I am there for him, but it's just I don't come problem free. I'm frustrated and feel I'd rather burn on hot coals than go out my front door every day because facing people at the moment is hard. I am also stepping up my campaign in seeking for other employment as where I am at the moment is clearly making me ill.
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The only person in the world that can truly make you happy is yourself.
03 Jun 2007, 6:24 pm
I thought it was for anyone to rant 
