Social commonality of etiquette for autistic people.

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I know..clunky header.

I see this as a follow on of sorts to the theoretical autistic society thread.

If we could create a kind of autistic etiquette, what would it look like? I am painfully aware that while most of us empathise with our fellow autistics in general, falling out with them can be even more unpleasant for us than with NTs.

This would be useful to think about, if we had to meet each other. That might happen if we wanted to organise ourselves for something.

I would also be interested to know what more neurodivergent autistics think. High functioning people like me dominate these discussions so much. And I think we should do more to support you, in a respectful way.

Well, I could try to catch some behaviors in my aspie-friendly workplace...
1. No dress code apart from not smelling (no matter, body odour or perfume, just avoid smelling)
2. First interpretation of what was said is the face value.
3. Not responding is not rude. By default, it means a person is focused on something else.

If somebody says something that offends you, tell them so and seek clarification of their intent.
If they make you angry, explain why you feel that way. Don't just give them the cold shoulder.

I personally try not to respond to people if I sense a red flag. Like some of the replies I've gotten recently, I refused to respond because I can't think of anything to say but something extremely rude and/or insensitive. Also, for the times I have responded to people on a reply in general, they just return back with some form of disheartening response.

Sometimes I believe that it's better to not respond. I have too many people try to pry me open to spill more and more about why I feel and think the way I do towards a comment they've said, whether it's a means to understand the way I think or to get me to fall for their bait.

I get easily offended towards certain things. Things that many do not understand. I've experienced having people turn around and start a debate with me which ends up with me getting extremely aggressive and violent. This is when I will get defensive. There are just some things I just cannot get into, such as whether or not my soulbonds exist. That's a big red flag when someone is questioning the existence of my friends and family and are waiting for me to respond back.

I'll end up going insane, start twitching my body, gripping my head and pulling at my hair and kicking the desk if I had to respond. Yeah, people can find it rude all they want but my sanity is important.

Also, when I tell someone "I don't want to talk about it." I get treated like manure or poked fun at for being a "special snowflake" crybaby.

Okay, I see what you mean.
Is there a rule of etiquette that would help you in those kind of situations?
Like, if someone asks to be left alone, or doesn't want to discuss something further, we should respect that?

Like, a basic guide for neurotypicals?

1. Eye contact is never mandatory. Lack of eye contact does not mean lack of respect.
2. Personal bubbles. Ask before touching. (I remember hearing of this in daycare and kindergarten, but a lot of grownups seem to have trouble with it)
3. If someone asks/states they want to be left alone or to drop the topic for now, that doesn't mean they don't want to "listen" or don't care. It probably means they need time to process/are overwhelmed.
4. Part A. Don't try to make someone multi-task. Some of us just can't. Don't try to make someone feel like they are a failure if they can't multi-task.
4. Part B. If you have something to say/really want to be heard, or want to hear what someone else has to say, pause/mute the radio or tv or whatever. Have the conversation somewhere with neutral sensory input from ambient sources. That way, your message will be most likely to be received and processed clearly and the person you are talking to can respond.
5. Don't expect small talk. Lack of small talk does not mean someone is trying to be rude/snub you. It just means they don't know how to converse in miniaturized form.
6. If you're the one with words, use your words. Tell the other person how you feel. Don't force them to play a bizarre guess and check form of charades with potentially dire social and physical consequences.

Actually, I mean more for us to interact with each other, because our presentations are so diverse. It could be good for NTs too.

Great suggestions, though, betwixbetween. That's exactly how I feel, about multitasking and dropping hard subjects. They don't get it. NTs need a guide, for sure. Getting them to stick to it? Dunno. Some will try. They can't help being born NT, bless them.

I find sometimes it's actually harder to get on with other autistics. If we can't read NTs well, how do we get what's going on with other autistics? We can differ so much.

So far I have only interacted with one diagnosed aspie, as far as I know. He was my classmate at college. He is more neurodivergent than me (we´re both "high functioning" but I´m more social and can pass as an NT). I was the only person in college who talked to him often. I greeted him everyday and was happy when he waved back, but I didn´t take offense if he didn´t notice me, because I knew he didn´t do it on purpose. Whenever we talked I tried to say everything plainly and clarify any possible misunderstandings. I didn´t look at his eyes most of the time, and didn´t comment on his awkward posture, like other people sometimes did. And even though in my country the standard way of saying good bye to any aquaintance is with a hug and a kiss in the cheek, I never touched him until he opened his arms to hug me, thus revealing he was OK with that kind of touch. I could have asked him, of course, but he didn´t know I was aware of his diagnosis (I only knew it because a teacher had disclosed it to all his classmates a day he hadn´t gone to class) and most people don´t ask before hugging someone. He was also unaware of the fact that I´m an aspie too.

In my opinion, we aspies should be forgiving with each other and not expect each other to follow strict social groups, and we should check that the other understands whhat we say, and make clarifications as needed. Also, we should believe that, whenever a social rule is broken, everyone is innocent unless otherwise proved, because most of us are never rude on purpose. No criticism and asking before touching are other practical pieces of advice for aspie interactions.

In the support groups I attended the conversations were exchanges of information with little or no small talk or physical contact.

Can I just put this on a business card? Or print it on a t-shirt? How about, if I'm wearing anything that looks like a puzzle piece, assume those six statements are true.

As a matter of fact, what if the entire human race just understood those six statements to be true for everyone?