I'm extremely depressed (Possible Trigger: Suicide)

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I'm sorry that I'm coming in here with this post when I haven't been very active lately. I've been focusing on college, as it's been very difficult for me.

This yesterday was what's called our lab finals for the physical therapist assistant program I'm in. This is where you demonstrate the hands on techniques and treatments you learned throughout the year on a teacher who's acting as a patient. If you fail any of these techniques, you get remediation where they go over the techniques with you again and you demonstrate them again. So basically, you get the opportunity to pass the program even though you failed the lab practical and move on to clinicals where you work with real patients in a real physical therapy environment.

Anyway, I got into the program not knowing I'm autistic, and I've performed well in the program for the most part. But over the last 10 or so months, I've realized that two previous assessments of me being autistic were correct (it's a long story as to why I didn't believe those assessments). As I'm sure you can already have guessed, I received an email indicating that I need to receive remediation next Wednesday to review my neurological techniques. A few days before the final labs, a couple of the students asked the teach how often remediation is used on a student, and she stated perhaps once every couple of years. So that makes me that 1/40 or 1/60 assh*le who gets remediation.

So I can tell you what will happen, I'll be able to demonstrate the techniques very well and I'll pass the remediation and I'll go on to clinicals and I'll probably have no problem passing those (I'm sure it will be very challenging to me). All of which means, in the end I'll probably graduate. And ultimately, I'll study my every living *ss off and pass the national boards and become a certified Physical Therapist Assistant.

But I took pride in my accomplishments, and how, even though I had this disability, I was doing well. I was even doing well going into a field where autistics aren't known to succeed. It's not like autistics go to autistic forums and ask for advice on career choices and another autistic says, "Go into physical therapy, young man, that's the field for you." No, we're stereotyped as having to go into the I.T. field or what have you. So to me, going into a field that requires a good sense of proprioception (awareness of where your body is in space), and hands-on coordination (even though I don't have those particular traits), could prove that others could do it too. I basically thought, even though I had challenges with coordination, I could practice so hard I'd be able to overcome it. And if I'm honest with myself, I can and did because thinking back on the lab final I know what I did wrong and could literally demonstrate the two correct techniques at will. But, I couldn't do things correctly during that time of stress.

Maybe the above seems like a petty thing to be upset about when I know others like me struggle getting even basic neccessities. But, honest to God, I don't mean to complain about this when I know others have greater struggles. I'm really posting here because I have nobody to talk to. Because I feel alone. Because I'm in a lot of pain. I haven't thought about it seriously, but I have to admit, at the moment I feel like I might be unable to continue with life. Or at least I'm considering my options, and whether I should continue to struggle or not.

So it's not a serious consideration. The problem is I have a 9 year old son who I've done a good job raising. Normally doing a good job raising a kid and loving him is a good thing. But it's made my son adore me, so as a result, I don't *really* have that option. He'd be devastated. Still, I just needed to reach out because I feel very low...very despondent....I'm in a great deal of pain. I'm extremely stressed. I've given my best, and my best doesn't seem good enough.

I'm not even sure I've posted something that anybody can provide help or advice about. Maybe I should just post a question like, "Hey, I'd like to know how you inhale water into your lungs until they fill up, but at the same time not drown." Maybe on a subconscious level, I feel like I'm drowning.

Okay, I guess here's what I'm asking. Or here's my fears, deep down inside. Did I fail? When I see others work a full time job while attending this program and outperform me with significantly less effort, does that make me a loser or stupid? What way should I view myself? Am I being too hard on myself?

I'm not Aspie, and what I'm going to say is easier said than done when you are living the problem, but you need to focus on the positive and don't stop fighting.

I was in a nursing program and had a clinical instructor that wanted me to get a hospital job but i worked part time at a good job so i didn't. That pissed her off and she made my life a living hell flunking me out in clinicals and I got knocked out of the program. I had to go to another school and even take more prerequisites. That hardly ever happens to anyone. I kept fighting and graduated. I ended up seeing that b***h instructor later on so she found out she didn't break me. You'll appreciate the job a lot more after a fight like what you are going through. Nothing good comes easy is what they say.

I didn't expect a reply from an NT who works in the health field as well. Sorry you had such an issue with your clinicals. That *is* worse then what I'm experiencing here. The problem is, I failed my lab because I didn't competently demonstrate a couple of techniques, not because somebody had it out for me. It just makes me question my abilities. It actually makes me doubt my ability to go out into the field and make a living as a PTA.

I wonder how many Aspies work in the healthcare field to begin with. Well, thanks for the post. You have me thinking about my options, and also distracted me at the same time.

Can I ask why you post here at an NT? Did you suspect you were an Aspie or something?

I'm getting that you're struggling now but that you feel you'll succeed if you can motivate yourself to keep going. I could tell you to stop comparing yourself to others but I know that's a cliche easier said than done. Do you like physical therapy or derive any meaning in life from it?

It's quite an accomplishment to have a great relationship with your son as a single parent. I admire that. And I admire that you keep working at things you aren't good at right away.

I started on Aspie Central looking for some answers to some questions then I ended up staying there because I made some friends, but then I got banned (twice) and so i came over here. I don't see you guys as different, just people who talk about a lot of interesting stuff.

Whatever it is you need to repeat, just practice a lot. Practice makes perfect is what they say.

I did 1 month of clinicals over the summer in a hospital. I did love it, and could see myself derive meaning from it, yes. I'm just doubting how well I can perform my job effectively. My confidence has taken a major blow, and I wouldn't say I had abundant confidence before this.

Well, thanks for posting here and showing that somebody cares enough to take a moment. It means a lot and I do feel somewhat better because this is helping me to put things into perspective a bit.

I've been there with the low confidence thing. To clarify, do you plan to continue the program since you said you'll pass and get into clinicals?

I plan on continuing with the program. What's going to happen is the teacher will show me the two techniques I need work on and than I'll replicate them. Actually, I'll be able to do both techniques without demonstration. Basically, these two techniques were included with a series of things we did for the lab final, so I several things correctly, and two things wrong (I'll find out to what extent on Wednesday).

I hate to sound dramatic, but I need to pass this course so I can make my living. I have a son to raise. Beyond that, this has become a large part of my identity. I'm not sure I can rebuild my life if I fail at this. I'm not sure I have the energy or ability to do so.

I really wish they wouldn't have emailed me today to tell me about this because I actually need to study for written finals over the weekend for both my neurological and orthopedic tests which are on Monday and Wednesday, respectively. Now I'm going to be extremely distracted.

I don't really have much to offer. But I read your post and I wanted to say something. If nothing else, I feel for you.
I bet you'll do fine.

You are under a lot of pressure at the moment.
I would say some of that is what you put on yourself.

There is nothing wrong with not getting things right first time.
The effort you put in and feedback you get will make you a better professional.

Those who look like they are sailing through probably are not.
But who cares what others are doing - your life is important and your goals.

I struggled painfully through a long training course and came last - just about.
I did get some help from student support but it was too late and not enough.
They tried to dismiss me a few times but I persisted and won. It was messy.

I had to grasp the fact that I was doing something which was way out of my comfort and skills zone.
And for that I give myself lots of credit now I can look back and reflect.
I consider myself a mini miracle to have passed. One day you will too.

And I found out I was autistic right near the end of my training.

Give yourself a break and relax - you are doing a fantastic job.

It's funny how doing something difficult like a difficult training session, or going to a difficult school can make you realize you really *are* autistic. I'm not religious, but it's like a "Come to Jesus" moment.

I'm a lot calmer today. I emailed my teacher a few minutes after she emailed me the news about the required mediation. She stated she understands why I'm upset, I only missed by 1 point (to pass you need an 80 percent, so I received a 79 percent). She believes I was nervous during the lab final and she's confident that I know the neuro techniques I've learned. She also says she realized I worked very hard (I practiced with more lab time than any two students combined) to prepare for this final.

Unfortunately, I think she's right. I was nervous. I'm not nervous with real patients, even in situations that should be stressful (like a patient who's openly abusive). But there's something about being graded, judged, it makes me feel like I'm under a microscope. And it doesn't help that I know I'm autistic. I also feel like I don't deserve to be in the program. I can't believe I got in in the first place. It's so ridiculously competitive.

It is always harder under intense scrutiny.

It is a lot harder when you are under scrutiny knowing you are being judged.

I really disliked it but got used to it in the end - it takes time.

Ha, I used to have a moan at my tutor for disturbing me and blaming him for my practice going haywire.
If he hadn't distracted me then he wouldn't have observed me making a blunder - it was his fault.

In the end I realised that his feedback was extremely valuable and that I was improving because of it.

Anxiety can make us do all sorts of counterproductive things to sabotage our progress.
Fear is a bloody nuisance - which needs to be cancelled out with compassion and kindness.

It's true about the scrutiny. I also wanted to blame the instructor who was grading me because she interrupted the treatment I was providing (before the neuro techniques) to ask a question. The problem was, when I looked back and was honest with myself, the question sort of relieved tension and for a moment we talked like equals. Yeah, it'd be easier to blame somebody, but it's really just a limitation I have that I'll have to deal with and get better at, if possible.

I have two separate 2 month internships, and I hope I don't get scrutinized too much. I want to come out of these clinicals to become an effective PTA, so I hope I can get positive experience. I think learning that I'm autistic has me doubting myself more than I had previously.

So just a small update. Today they actually gave us our official reviews for our lab finals and it's broken into two different sections: Ortho and Neuro. I got a 81 on Ortho and a 79 and Neuro. So basically I have to just demonstrate a couple of techniques. And after all of that about me being the only student in three years to need a review like this, another student got flagged as needing to go over neuro techniques as well.

Finally, there's another student that needs to quite literally demonstrate he can do a completely different and entire treatment. So basically he has to start from scratch and pick a totally new scenario for a patient. That student is pretty upset and I can't blame him, I would be too. My understanding is he'll keep the same grade, but he'll need to actually perform the new treatment with an 85 percent or higher rating and if he can't he won't be able to go to clinicals.

So I guess when all is said and done, I wasn't the only student who needs to go through this, and things could have been way way worse. Thanks again for taking the time to give me some level of comfort, it really helped.