01 Jan 2018, 2:45 pm
01 Jan 2018, 4:42 pm
01 Jan 2018, 6:09 pm
01 Jan 2018, 6:10 pm
01 Jan 2018, 6:14 pm
01 Jan 2018, 6:19 pm
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,891
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
01 Jan 2018, 6:27 pm
01 Jan 2018, 6:30 pm
honeymiel wrote:
Go for other introverts who just want to try out a cute tea/coffee/book shop
cute introverts
The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,891
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.
01 Jan 2018, 6:35 pm
02 Jan 2018, 4:16 am
whatamievendoing wrote:
Well, long-time friends starting romantic relationships isn't exactly uncommon. Although I'm not sure I'd necessarily be able to do it myself.
Either way, I wish you luck with your experiment.
Either way, I wish you luck with your experiment.
Thank you
02 Jan 2018, 4:27 am
kraftiekortie wrote:
Nightclubs are out for me, too.
Even people older than me think I'm a fuddy-duddy lol
Even people older than me think I'm a fuddy-duddy lol
Happy Birthday kraftiekortie I was in the supermarket the other day and I was looking around and a lady about 75 asked me if I was alright, and I explained I was looking for the clock. She was utterly flabbergasted
when I had to admit to not having a mobile phone.
02 Jan 2018, 5:02 am
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
^ She is right, if you say No for once, twice.... then they will stop inviting you again to anything else.
I have noticed that now that I no longer have any friends, that I am no longer invited to their social engagements. An unexpected but hugely appreciated benefit
This is why, since I am beginning almost from scratch (I do have some friendly acquaintances) that I am determined to make new relationships in a way that I will be able to sustain. This means friends who have more similar tastes in the types of socialising that they want to do and the interests that they have.
I think the main problem with compromise is that for it to work both sides have to be aware that the other person Is compromising too. Since normal people with normal interests are ALWAYS convinced that I MUST enjoy the same things that they do they do not see me fitting in with their plans as me compromising.
02 Jan 2018, 5:21 am
02 Jan 2018, 6:29 am
hale_bopp wrote:
Good luck. Hope it goes well!
Hello hale_bopp
I think your idea (on your list) of volunteering is a good one for me to try. I did some a long time ago (before my first job) and it helped me adjust back to being around other people as I had become very reclusive. This is not so much a prob now, but definitely a good way to meet potential friends. I think it would be best to combine it with trying something new, so I'm going to research what's going on locally volunteer wise.
02 Jan 2018, 11:10 am
02 Jan 2018, 9:23 pm
fluffysaurus wrote:
honeymiel wrote:
fluffysaurus wrote:
Trojanofpeace wrote:
honeymiel wrote:
I struggle with this a bit too, but the general advice for NTs who want to make friends really does apply to Aspies as well. We just have more difficulty employing the strategies, and thus have to push ourselves a bit more and jump further out of our comfort zones
So, find groups/meet ups with common interests. Chat to people in online dating and screen them first - but strategically. Let them know you like to get to know a person before meeting/progressing to a relationship, and that you move slowly - if they don't like that, next! The thing with online dating is you don't have to meet people, you can just chat and get a feel for what you're looking for so if you do decide to meet someone, you can put a bit more trust in your decision (just maybe don't tell them that you're only looking to chat indefinitely - let them think that you're still deciding - because you kind of are)
But importantly in terms of making lasting friendships - initiate plans, and say yes to everything. I have found this REALLY hard to do, because of social anxiety (from repeated social failures). So if I can't say yes to an event/party I am invited to (invites are rare anyway) because my social anxiety is bad enough that I can't bear the thought (usually bigger gatherings) then I will message that person, apologise and try and connect with them through conversation anyway (how have you been etc). I think in that way it doesn't remove the possibility of future invites? Or you might find they are open to coming to things you invite them to?
Also one last part of my ramble - I know several men who have ASD traits like mine, and one of the biggest things I've noticed in the ones who are socially reclusive is a lack of flexibility. This relates back to my comment on "say yes to everything". But a lack of flexibility and being unwilling to meet people halfway on their interests or needs is going to cost you most of your social relationships in the long run. I've found that the guys I know who are Aspie tend to be really adamant when they don't want to do something, and it's not so much that they've expressed they don't want to that gets frustrating - it's the unwillingness to budge and look at things from another perspective. I imagine this is hard for NTs to relate to and it feels like the person who is being inflexible is being a bit selfish or manipulative trying to get their way. Obviously that's not the case, but it can appear that way unless you recognise that the person is has a condition which makes them a bit more rigid and set in their ways
It's important to seek out and embrace new experiences. It is scary and you may get held back by your anxieties about things - but if you can make a couple of friends to try new things with, and they can act as a support person, you will probably enjoy most things that you venture to try.
GL
So, find groups/meet ups with common interests. Chat to people in online dating and screen them first - but strategically. Let them know you like to get to know a person before meeting/progressing to a relationship, and that you move slowly - if they don't like that, next! The thing with online dating is you don't have to meet people, you can just chat and get a feel for what you're looking for so if you do decide to meet someone, you can put a bit more trust in your decision (just maybe don't tell them that you're only looking to chat indefinitely - let them think that you're still deciding - because you kind of are)
But importantly in terms of making lasting friendships - initiate plans, and say yes to everything. I have found this REALLY hard to do, because of social anxiety (from repeated social failures). So if I can't say yes to an event/party I am invited to (invites are rare anyway) because my social anxiety is bad enough that I can't bear the thought (usually bigger gatherings) then I will message that person, apologise and try and connect with them through conversation anyway (how have you been etc). I think in that way it doesn't remove the possibility of future invites? Or you might find they are open to coming to things you invite them to?
Also one last part of my ramble - I know several men who have ASD traits like mine, and one of the biggest things I've noticed in the ones who are socially reclusive is a lack of flexibility. This relates back to my comment on "say yes to everything". But a lack of flexibility and being unwilling to meet people halfway on their interests or needs is going to cost you most of your social relationships in the long run. I've found that the guys I know who are Aspie tend to be really adamant when they don't want to do something, and it's not so much that they've expressed they don't want to that gets frustrating - it's the unwillingness to budge and look at things from another perspective. I imagine this is hard for NTs to relate to and it feels like the person who is being inflexible is being a bit selfish or manipulative trying to get their way. Obviously that's not the case, but it can appear that way unless you recognise that the person is has a condition which makes them a bit more rigid and set in their ways
It's important to seek out and embrace new experiences. It is scary and you may get held back by your anxieties about things - but if you can make a couple of friends to try new things with, and they can act as a support person, you will probably enjoy most things that you venture to try.
GL
This is a brilliant and insightful piece of advice. Relationships are all about interdependence and give and take. Constant collaboration and compromise. Any successful relationship will involve doing things that are more important to the other person than you (and hopefully vice-versa). A difficult reality for some, but it is what it is.
Are you saying that your friends do things that they hate doing but which you like to do in order to spend time with you?
And no, MY friends don't do that (the few that I have). But I would do that in order to make friends, because I have a harder time than they do
Once you have a foundation of friendship, you have a bit more sway for joint activities
I have not found this to be the case at all. I have certainly put a lot of years into trying your theory out perhaps the difference in our issues mine is mainly social exhaustion. I am able to do almost anything that others want to do such as nightclubs, dinner out, I can even accompany others in sales shopping, but doing those things just convinces people that I enjoy doing those things, therefor there is no need for us to do anything else.
I don't really want friends to do things with me that they hate either, this is why I am being very selective over joining groups.
The part about having more sway once you are friends? You may be right, although I find that some friendships tend to evolve over time (not all). And by evolve, I mean you start to pursue activities which are more common interests as the common interests become more apparent. "Oh, you like cosplay and I like wearing onesies? Comic con!" (Yes I've actually done this and it was not as bad as I thought it would be
)But the part about compromise in your previous post is true. People will not realise you are accommodating them, and they will not necessarily respond in kind. This has gotten me into trouble in the past where I've been overly accommodating and then had to abruptly end a friendship/acquaintance because it became too draining and one-sided (not to their knowledge, but to mine and everyone else's). You will have to assert yourself early on.
But just keeping in mind the flexibility.
Are you saying that you would not go out to dinner or shopping with someone because it gets too exhausting?
I went Boxing Day sales shopping with my housemate recently. I was clearly anxious as I could not stop talking, and by the time I got home a few hours later I had to retreat into my room for 2 days (thankfully she left me alone). That was after a few days of family commitments over Christmas, and I was completely burnt out. It is important to pay close attention to such things because (for me at least) burnout leads to meltdowns and that is much harder to recover from.
But overall? I'm glad that I had some social activities and stepped outside my comfort zone
It's not easy but it is worthwhile, takes some practice to find balance...that's my theory
