Narcissistic abuse when you're on the spectrum

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diagnosedafter50
Deinonychus
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27 Dec 2020, 2:16 pm

Aspiewordsmith wrote:
I was groomed for the first few years of my life until 1974 and from Easter 1974. I suffered horrendous physical abuse from my dad and emotional abuse from my mum for years. I also noticed from a certain age there would be two sets of rules, one set for me and another set of rules for the others. During the years of grooming (not sexual behaviour but a behaviour to gain trust by pretending to love the victim or feign kindness. Why? Because my mum and dad thought I had an IQ of about 27 assumed because there was no IQ test done at that age because doctors had prescribed valium to lower my intelligence for class related reason (From a working class Anglo Irish family). Couldn't have anyone autistic from such a background developing the skills of independent thought but that was exactly what I did. Whilst I was in the special needs school for children with severe or profound learning disabilities (Americans call Intellectual Disability) I taught myself to read and count. My mum insists that it was her 'pushing me' after I come off the prescription drugs but I taught myself but what I did get out of it ( the ABA type stuff was epilepsy and a form of anxiety. Easter 1974 things changed all of a sudden for the opposite. I was blamed for every mistake the family made and also emigration to South Africa falling through was blamed on me and the cost of the benzodiazpines the doctors used to attenuate my intelligence. The abuse got much worse physically and emotionally when I had an IQ of 137 which was tested by an educational psychologist. The New mainstream school was just as bad as home. My dad was always saying how disappointed he was in me and my mum was no better. If I done something good then it was taken for granted and that was how it was out of the special needs system. Also from about 7 or 8 onwards there was no any showing of love or appreciation it was all about the others.

Now looking back on that forty years or more later. If people including my parents thought I was either lying, making things up, being manipulative (which requires allistic social skills), being a troublemaker, bad influence I have also been accused of as well. I am no influence on anyone either good or bad. I don't know where allistic people get that idea and have been accused of having a behaviour problem when I have Asperger syndrome and likely traits of ADHD but may be linked to mental acceleration as co morbid with Asperger syndrome. I have also been accused of making excuses but all I hear from allistic people including the well meaning ones is excuses like I am a lesser person.

Narcissistic abuse and bullying related to it directed towards autistic people especially in an allistic world that won't let us say no. Also when autistic people are not believed or taken seriously when I say that aspiphobia was a form of applied racism and that discrimination against people with learning disabilities neurobigotry is a form of applied anti Semitism even if it is not as simple as that just because of shared experiences. I now prefer to have autistic friends they don't try to con you or abuse you and if they do you an see it coming it is not so simple with people on the neurotypical spectrum. When you are not believed anything can happen to you such as all forms of abuse and neglect whether the abuser has a personality disorder or not. :idea:


Being groomed for the first few years of your life is hard.
I hope you understand that it was your parents that had the problem. The narcissist and the enabler.
The two sets of rules, for you and the other set of rules for the others were created because you were the scapegoat.
The scapegoat was the biblical goat that Aaron selected to carry the baggage of the multitude because that was the strongest goat, you were also the most sensitive.
You were treated as dumb so that they could infantilise you and treat you as younger than you were to attempt to get you dependent on them, to try to convince you that you were not competent.
Valium is dangerous, I am addicted to it, it dumbs you down, you should never have been given valium.

I am glad you gained some independence learning to read and write.
An IQ of 137 is high, you probably had the most intelligence in your family.

Mainstream school does not cater for us on the spectrum, we have special educational needs.

All dysfunctional families need a scapegoat to falsely use as the root of their problems.

All of the negative remarks from your family were projections of their faults onto you.

Many NT's don't understand us, some don't take the trouble to, these people need to be out of your circle.

I would only keep trustworthy people in your circle.



Angnix
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27 Dec 2020, 4:51 pm

I just read some articles about this and my uncle fits the characteristics of a Narcissist to a tee...

Like my aunt/his sister told me "Why do you let my brother abuse you?"


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Angnix
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27 Dec 2020, 5:38 pm

Like my uncle got me a "Christmas Present..." A state quarter collection missing most of the Quarters...
Ummm... Okay? Laundry money??!

$5 worth of quarters :roll:
Yeah, there is a Washing Machine/Dryer in my building but it takes quarters... Ty unc, my clothes are going to be soooo clean :D


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FINALLY diagnosed with ASD 2/6/2020


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28 Dec 2020, 1:17 pm

I can't be certain, but I think my ex-fiancé is a narcissist. I am certain she was abusive.

She has cerebral palsy so most people wouldn't expect it from her. But she did seem to have a way of dominating the thoughts and opinions of those around her to some degree.

The abuse was subtle so it was extremely difficult to recognize at the time. I only realized what was actually going on in hindsight years later. Some behaviors stood out but I didn't put two and two together until much later.

I didn't know what love bombing was at the time, but after I learned about it became clear that she was using it on me.

One day when I got her from her class to walk her back to her dorm, she told me that the other girls in her said that I'm ugly and gross and questioned why she would date me.

She often threatened to leave me if she didn't get her way on something.

She gaslighted me a lot. We were riding in a friend's car and got in a wreck, and some relatives of her happened to be close by. She told me later that her relative heard me lie to a police officer about my age, and said that another relative claimed to have known me in high school and said I did drugs. Many other times she told me that her parents and other people in her family disliked me. However, I had never directly observed any signs of hostility from any of them. At the time it did not even occur to me to consider that she may be lying about all of this.

She isolated me and controlled who I spent time around. Again this started out subtle and I did not notice it at the time. But as time went by, I became more and more withdrawn until my entire social circle consisted exclusively of her and her group of friends. I can distinctly remember a few times when she gave me some reason why she doesn't want me to associate with a certain person. Once she claimed a friend of mine was stalking her, for example.

I'm not sure when this started, but I eventually reached a point where I felt like I had to walk on egg shells. I felt like I couldn't do anything or go anywhere without her permission. I often found myself avoiding buying things I wanted or hiding them from her for fear of the repercussions.

But of course its impossible to get anyone to believe that a big strong man like myself was bullied and abused by a poor little disabled girl.



diagnosedafter50
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30 Dec 2020, 6:25 pm

Hi @Shakti
I know this is an old thread, I came across it during a search as I am new to the forum so have been mooching around and searching.
I had sort of been on the receiving group end of narcissistic abuse, with my family, I believed my Dad had NPD.
I am theorising that any autistic/aspergers child or NT for that matter, who engaged in creative activity in childhood during the abuse would be able to process it in a healthy way and grow up intact.
Any spectrum or nt child who didn't engage in creative activity while growing up in such a toxic environment would be scarred and need medical or therapeutic intervention.

I get bullied easily, and frustratingly, can only think of responses that would shut the bully up, days, weeks, months after the event, and this has even been commented on by the bullies.

Reacting is what they want, when a calm witty retort is the right thing to do, one that puts them in their place and shows them we cannot be bullied. I've been groped, sexually harassed and fondled, but the fondling was done when I was asleep on drugs, not that it excuses it. We live in an unfair world and it takes a resilient person to bring a predator to justice, however predators do get away with things and it is not our fault.
As for the man who fondled me, I waited until there was a group of our friends and I told them all about what he did, while in his presence, he still groped me so I slapped him.

I'm not a parent but the situation you describe must be awful. I am about to read the rest of the thread hoping that a positive outcome happened.....