Conditional Love

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This will probably turn into "stream of consciousness" writing, a ramble, a rant, etc. It's something I need to get off my chest and if anyone out there can identify with it, know that you're not alone.


I grew up very much under the terms of conditional love. It was necessary for me to fulfill obligations tasked to me, behave in a manner seen as "appropriate", and to even evaluate my own private thoughts by the standards set forth. Naturally, I f*****g hated it. But that hate was buried deep down under the fear of losing approval and love.
I did my best to be a "good dog" and desperately sought any kind of fondness or favor from my family. However, this inexorably clashed heavily with a need for independence, open mindedness and the belief that everyone/everything holds some intrinsic value, that seemed to be present in me at birth. So inevitably I would rebel after enough strain. I would feel pushed to the edge, it would seem unfair and even cruel to continue to berate and deride me despite my constant hard efforts to be "normal", "appropriate" and a "good child". I would snap, make a "rude" remark in my defense, speak in "a sh***y tone", or "deliberately ignore" the person. This is what you would hear from my former keepers. Any deviation from "appropriate" behavior (unerring politeness, acceptance and compliance with emphasis on perpetual even tone of voice) wasn't seen as a sign of stress, overwhelm, a result of suppressed emotions that themselves were a result of near constant abuse/violence between members of the home. It wasn't that perhaps I was different down to the way my brain worked, and so didn't understand the necessity for specific forms of behavior. It was not that if something seemed illogical, I could find no legitimate reason that it should be taken into consideration. No, it was considered plain defiance and worthy of punishment or rejection.

In short, I was raised to be a member of the sexist trope of Quiet and Ever Accommodating Women. And when I wasn't, it was a grave offense.

As one can imagine, it caused a significant amount of strife and long-lasting psychological damage. I received an apology on one occasion from one member of the family. I believed it to be sincere, genuine, heartfelt. I've since come to think it is not and instead was merely the alleviation of a guilty conscience, as since the time of that apology the general opinion of me has reverted. "You were an a**hole, defiant, stubborn, etc" and that I deserved everything I got.

I've spent a lot of my life living under conditional terms, willingly, because I didn't know there was anything else. The mad desire and need for approval and love drove me to be capable of things I likely wouldn't have been otherwise. Typically this would be the part where someone would say they're appreciative and thankful despite the trials and whatnot. I'm not going to say that. Because I'm not thankful, I'm not appreciative. The idea of saying I'm thankful for conditional love makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.
What I am thankful for is for finally coming across unconditional love and knowing what it's like. Knowing that although I distrust it and it's as possible to get close to me as it is to an old stray cat, it will still be there if I run away or scratch when someone gets too close. When I come back, it will be there. When they're done being angry at me, it will be there. I don't count on it, I don't put my hopes on it, I don't depend. But still... there it is.
I am thankful for knowing the difference, otherwise I might still be killing myself for something I'd never truly have.

The more I learn about myself and my past... because really, I've known nothing else so it was quite literally all I knew... the more I'm finding where my boundaries should be. I'm finding that it's okay to say No, that no matter who it is if the person doesn't value you then you don't have to value them, what it means to value and be valued, how to love myself enough to make the distinction between Health and Unhealthy in all areas of life.

I'm incredibly unsure of how to proceed with any of it. It's all new to me. I won't hesitate to admit I'm scared by it. Intimidated. What if I should make a mistake? But... that's the old conditional love fear, isn't it? If the person values me, loves me unconditionally, they'll accept I made a mistake and accept my apology and let it be. I won't be hit, I won't be scolded, I won't be chastised or made to feel inferior. It will just have been a mistake.

It's intense to see the effect that our parents and family can have on us. It's overwhelming to know how sculpted we are by our experiences with them. But it's encouraging to know that with the right tools and support I can leave it behind, move forward, and have a happier life. A new life, maybe even a new me.
Possibility. It's a good thing to have in your pocket, jingling like change.


I hope that if you grew up with conditional love, you can find your way out of it and into a place where you feel appreciated, loved, or at the very least not feel anxious about every single thing you do. Good luck and lots of (unconditional) love.

I am happy for you, that you have found unconditional love. Just remember that people can fall out of love if this unconditional love is romantic in nature. So be sure to provide unconditional love in kind. Remember to do some maintenance and remind them that you do indeed love them and appreciate them. Small gestures can go a long way. If it's unnatural to do this, make an effort to change old learned habits for ones that will continue to bring you the happiness you deserve.

In short, if you do not provide kindling for the fire to continue to burn it can become extinguished.

That's good advice.
Trust me, all I ever think about is making people I care about happy. I wasn't kidding when I said I was raised to be accommodating. That's why I wrote about boundaries. I've been told virtually nonstop over the last year that I need to set boundaries for myself and that it's ok not to bend until I break for other people.

Plus, my husband has been with me for 10 years and has insisted I do too much for him. I think I've got it covered. It's just taken me this long to accept that it's genuine and I'm not being used.

I know I seem reserved, distant, and probably cold on here. But that's because I don't know anyone here. I'm very different in my personal life.

I don’t beleive unconditional love exists.

Sorry you had rough upbringing. I do t think women need to be quiet and accommodating all the time. That’s just a horrible stereotype from the past that women don’t speak and have to be submissive all he time. Sad that it’s still thought today.

I said that from my own past experience. Just some advice for others so perhaps they don't learn the hard way as I did. I lost what mattered most to me in life, perhaps others won't have to.

Oh. It's very thoughtful of you. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

You'd have to meet my Husband to understand why I believe it does. He's a very good guy.

It very much is sad. People should be able to feel free to speak for themselves, regardless of what they are.

I know we haven't talked in a while. I hope you're doing well Sly.