I'm such a f**k up

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I started posting here in 2011. At that time I had a wonderful husband, a good job and a lovely house. At that time I had ASD and as yet undiagnosed BPD, but I was being successful at life.

Since then I have lost my job, my husband, my house all because of my sh***y mental health. And now I've been to prison for a month (on remand - I was sent there partly for my own safety and was on suicide watch the whole time) for a crime committed as a direct result of my mental health. I've now been out of prison for a couple of weeks but have 6 months until my sentencing. I've been told in that time I need to engage with services to improve my mental health and the behaviour it causes to avoid a custodial sentence.

Well, s**t, I've been engaging with all services available to me for years to try to get better but my mental health just gets worse. I'm sure there is something else going on apart from ASD and BPD but I don't know what it is and none of the professionals involved in my care seem to acknowledge it. Suicidal thoughts are raging right now, and the only reason I haven't followed through is because my dad has come to stay to provide me with some extra support and I can't do it while he is around - it wouldn't be fair. But I truly believe everyone would have a better life without a f**k up like me around.

What are your symptoms? If you have issues finding adequate healthcare, come to Europe. With stay and healthcare, you might get away with only a quarter of the expenses you have in the US. Otherwise from my point of view, as someone who had major depressive disorder for eight years: "Never give up hope. Once you have hit rock bottom, it can only get better." I held onto hope tightly in those eight years which is why I never considered committing suicide. I know that when you are depressed it is really hard to manage to muster the energy to hope, but you can always try to hope and talk yourself into hoping for a better future.

PS: Another reason why I never considered and never will consider suicide is that "how do you know death is better?". If you are strictly religious, you believe in an afterlife. But in my view, you cannot be too certain of it because due to the mystery of death, after death can be anything, it could be relief, but it could also be torment.

I sense that Banana is Canadian.

Banana, if you get mental health services, will you not have a criminal record?

This might be similar to something called “diversion” in the US.

I'm always confused - is BPD borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder?

Being a fuck-up in the past does not mean you will be a fuck-up in the future.

We all have things we must work on.

If you constantly stew about being a fuck-up, you'll remain a fuck-up. If you actively seek to do something about it, and not let your past affect you (even if the past bites you in the butt sometimes), then you have a better chance of success.

Thanks for the responses. I'm in the UK, BPD is borderline personality disorder, and I believe that when you die that's it. No afterlife, heaven, hell, reincarnation, awareness, anything. You're just dead and gone. Forever.

I agree that being a f**k up in the past, doesn't mean you have to be a f**k up in the future. But I've been trying hard to get better, and I just seem to be getting worse so at the moment I feel I have no hope and no future and am causing difficulty in everyone's lives. I am engaging with all services offered to me and have done for years.

I do have a new criminal justice social worker and they are going to try and work out with me what else is available and might help. The common theme at the moment seems to be more support from my existing providers, of course that is subject to funding.

Kraftie, we do have diversion here but that is not what this is. I have been convicted - I pleaded guilty because I was - and am on a six month structured deferred sentence. I will receive a sentence in six months, but what it is depends on how I get on. The best I could hope for is a conditional discharge, the worst a custodial sentence. The most likely option, as long as I make progress and stay out of trouble, is a community payback order of some form - at least that is what people tell me but I can't help but think they'll send me back to prison.

Prisons are overcrowded. If you follow the conditions they set forth, they won't send you back to prison.

I work in the criminal justice field, in a loose sense.

As of this time, if you have a criminal conviction, it cannot be disclosed if it happened 11 years ago or before, if you didn't receive a custodial sentence. If you did receive a custodial sentence, it can be disclosed for life.

There is a movement afoot which would allow sealing of records by a court, though nothing has been passed as of yet.

I know you're trying hard, and I commend you for it. All I can recommend is that you keep plugging away.

I'm still not 100% sure if you actually will have a criminal conviction. I would speak to a lawyer about this to make sure.

I just read that, according to the Powers of Criminal Courts (Sentencing) Act, "a conditional discharge does not constitute a conviction unless the individual breaches the conditional discharge and is sentenced [to something more severe than a conditional discharge]."

I would interpret this as meaning that should you receive a conditional discharge, that you won't have a criminal record, unless you breach the conditional discharge. Talk to a lawyer about this (I guess you would call this person a Barrister).

I hope this doesnt seem like a silly reply but...If you ae having problems with your mental health and nothing has worked in regards to services you could try pot. Medical marijuanna has theraputic effets. It has helped people with mental disorders. You may want to give it a go.

From what you’ve described of your losses, makes me suspect PTSD. I’m no expert though. Also many people with ASD have trouble with transitions. You’ve really had the rug pulled out from under you in regards to your mental health. I can relate.

This song reminds me to keep going... random, sorry. I've been through bad stuff and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Don't stop believin', and maybe we'll win one day.

Sorry I haven't been back before now. Thank you for the positive words and for trying to help. But I have decided I can't go on.

My dad has agreed to leave next Friday, so next weekend that will be it. The end of my life. I feel good and in less turmoil now I have made the decision. Life isn't for all of us.

Does your dad know of your plans? My adult son has BPD also and over the last five years has been dealing with the court system here in Canada. I’ve seen how incredibly hard the disorder has made his life. He has come close to ending it too and I have even agreed with that option at times when I saw how painful life was. But I’m so glad every day that he wins against it and strives for peace and levelness. I love him.

But why, YB?

What's bringing you to this drastic action?

Have you spoken to your lawyer? You probably won't go to jail. You might get a conditional discharge.

It's not over for you, in my opinion. You have a good chance to rise from this.

You are far from a person whom I want to see "go."

No, my dad doesn't know. As far as he is concerned, I am doing better which is why he has agreed to go home at last.

My solicitor and my CJSW both believe I'll probably get sentenced to a community payback order in August.

My decision to take my life isn't just based on my recent involvement with the criminal justice system, or fear of the outcome, I was suicidal before this. The reality is that over several years my life has become unbearable and every attempt I make to try to get better or improve my life fails. I cannot continue living like this.

I’m sorry you are going through all this and to be honest I’m actually upset to read how seriously you are considering this. I’m in a Starbucks with my son and I’m having to hold back tears.

Listen, I lost my wife 6 years ago and I’m living on a very small amount of money. I used to make over 100 grand per year but when my wife got sick, I gave it up. Now I’m rebuilding my life and it takes time.

You can build a future for yourself. There are people who would be very upset if you took your life. You need to think about them. Why not take an assessment of where you’d like to be and then take small steps to meet your goals. You don’t have to make quick, profound changes. Try to enjoy the small things in life, and perhaps focus on some quiet time for yourself.

Since you are already considering suicide, why not hang around instead knowing that you have control of your life in every sense of the word. Find out what happens with these legal issues. Aren’t you curious? I’ve considered suicide because of stress and fear of failure. Instead of doing that, I thought about a change in perspective on how I viewed life. Somehow checking off accomplishments on some checklist seemed pointless at best. I started living for each day but also keeping long term goals in mind. This helped me feel less trapped and more in control. Somehow things seemed less serious and life became more whimsical.

You are not trapped in today’s circumstances. They are temporary. You can work towards a future. You can still experience happiness. You can take back control.

My son had to do community service as his sentence. He had been having suicidal thoughts since he was around eight years old. I knew he was troubled then but didn’t realize how deep it ran. He was diagnosed with depression and it wasn’t until his legal problems that he got the BPD diagnosis. He was in his thirties then. He still struggles and has tried different meds. I think the most useful has been medical marijuana. I’ve seen the improvement with it. And he is married now to a wonderful understanding woman. I know that that doesn’t make it “all better “, but it’s made life more worth living. Can you try talking to your dad about it?