I don't want kids. Why do people say I'll "change my mind"?

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PurplePlumz
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11 Mar 2018, 7:30 am

I'm autistic and aromantic, and I've always been disinterested in the idea of having children or finding a partner. I hate loud noises and being around too many people. I like being in quiet spaces on my own, where I have time to think or follow through with my hobbies and interests (e.g. writing, reading, drawing, even sprinting if it's in a park). I don't hate children, either; I just think I'd be absolutely stressed out of my mind if I had to take care of a son or daughter (or more) for the rest of my life. That isn't to say that I can't feel emotion around other family members, because I really do (in fact, I'm really concerned about the possibility of my parents' passing occurring soon at the age they're at right now). I just don't think I could be a parent.

Anyone else had this problem?



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11 Mar 2018, 8:21 am

It’s an efficient and socially acceptable way to let you and everyone else around know they don’t respect you as an adult capable of taking care of your own life. You’ll just have to suck it up and try to make your decisions anyway. It might be a good idea to stop talking to those people or having anything to do with them.


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nick007
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12 Mar 2018, 12:08 am

I have some physical & mental disabilities besides Aspergers & I have never really liked kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. Thankfully no one in my family or who really knew me pushed the idea of having kids on me. Anyone who had an idea of my disabilities & my personality would know I shouldn't have kids. They probably didn't even think I was capable of getting a women. My girlfriend wants kids but knew I didn't want em when we got together. She's also on the spectrum but like me she also has other mental & physical disabilities. She talks about wanting to adopt or foster a kid sometimes but the truth is we are both very dependent & can barely take care of ourselves & each other. We have NO business taking care of a kid & I really think no agency would allow us to adopt or foster with our kind of issues. I'm the bad guy cuz I'm against the idea of us having a kid when I think I'm the one being realistic. How can she take care of a kid when she's so depressed & is hurting so much that she can barely get out of bed & then spends the whole day playing video-games when she has important things to do cuz she's too overwhelmed to do anything else :?: She even says sometimes how she doesn't think she'll ever be capable of taking care of a kid. What can I do so I won't be in the figurative doghouse with her over this :?:


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Last edited by nick007 on 12 Mar 2018, 12:14 am, edited 3 times in total.

KanyeWestFan
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12 Mar 2018, 12:11 am

You have to ignore that, NTs say that to other NTs



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12 Mar 2018, 12:21 am

i don't know how old you are, but often adults say stuff like that to teenagers and early 20 somethings because the majority of people in that age group are very malleable, fickle and don't know what they want out of life yet.


they probably think you're in some phase. either way, i'm willing to bet those people don't know you very well. i still don't know if i want any children or not.....

EDIT: i now remember you said in another post you were in your mid teens...


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12 Mar 2018, 1:08 am

I used to get asked if I wanted children and it would make me even more depressed then I already was because it was just another reminder of how I didn't have a girlfriend and by extension not getting married anytime soon. :(



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12 Mar 2018, 12:09 pm

People at the factory I worked at used to say that I will change my mind about getting married and having children. It's 23 years later and I still haven't changed my mind.


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Sweetleaf
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12 Mar 2018, 12:23 pm

nick007 wrote:
I have some physical & mental disabilities besides Aspergers & I have never really liked kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. Thankfully no one in my family or who really knew me pushed the idea of having kids on me. Anyone who had an idea of my disabilities & my personality would know I shouldn't have kids. They probably didn't even think I was capable of getting a women. My girlfriend wants kids but knew I didn't want em when we got together. She's also on the spectrum but like me she also has other mental & physical disabilities. She talks about wanting to adopt or foster a kid sometimes but the truth is we are both very dependent & can barely take care of ourselves & each other. We have NO business taking care of a kid & I really think no agency would allow us to adopt or foster with our kind of issues. I'm the bad guy cuz I'm against the idea of us having a kid when I think I'm the one being realistic. How can she take care of a kid when she's so depressed & is hurting so much that she can barely get out of bed & then spends the whole day playing video-games when she has important things to do cuz she's too overwhelmed to do anything else :?: She even says sometimes how she doesn't think she'll ever be capable of taking care of a kid. What can I do so I won't be in the figurative doghouse with her over this :?:


Well how would you feel about something like a cat, maybe you could convince her you guys should get a cat instead. Cats aren't so dependent like dogs or children...though some cats are quite demanding for attention while others are more aloof, they can be therapeutic for depression as well.


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12 Mar 2018, 7:35 pm

I too am aromantic and childfree. While I feel sexual attraction, I have no intention of settling down into a relationship or having children. I'm very much fond of having my own space.


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nick007
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13 Mar 2018, 5:45 am

Sweetleaf wrote:
nick007 wrote:
I have some physical & mental disabilities besides Aspergers & I have never really liked kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid. Thankfully no one in my family or who really knew me pushed the idea of having kids on me. Anyone who had an idea of my disabilities & my personality would know I shouldn't have kids. They probably didn't even think I was capable of getting a women. My girlfriend wants kids but knew I didn't want em when we got together. She's also on the spectrum but like me she also has other mental & physical disabilities. She talks about wanting to adopt or foster a kid sometimes but the truth is we are both very dependent & can barely take care of ourselves & each other. We have NO business taking care of a kid & I really think no agency would allow us to adopt or foster with our kind of issues. I'm the bad guy cuz I'm against the idea of us having a kid when I think I'm the one being realistic. How can she take care of a kid when she's so depressed & is hurting so much that she can barely get out of bed & then spends the whole day playing video-games when she has important things to do cuz she's too overwhelmed to do anything else :?: She even says sometimes how she doesn't think she'll ever be capable of taking care of a kid. What can I do so I won't be in the figurative doghouse with her over this :?:


Well how would you feel about something like a cat, maybe you could convince her you guys should get a cat instead. Cats aren't so dependent like dogs or children...though some cats are quite demanding for attention while others are more aloof, they can be therapeutic for depression as well.
She loves cats & had one when we got together but has a different one now. Our cat is needy at times. I prefer dogs but our place is small so maybe that will happen when we get around to moving.


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13 Mar 2018, 8:40 am

People expect us to do all the traditional stuff, even though we know that we're not cut out for that.


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YippySkippy
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13 Mar 2018, 8:51 am

It's very common for young people to say they don't want kids, then change their minds as they get older. So they're speaking in general terms, and not so much about you, specifically. There is a biological urge to reproduce that hits a lot of people mid-20s and older, just as the urge to have sex hits a lot of teens at puberty.



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13 Mar 2018, 9:09 am

I never felt the desire to raise a child of my own. Having a godson is enough. I doubt I'll change my mind either.


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13 Mar 2018, 11:27 am

I'm 37 and it just happened to me yesterday - at least, she said I might change my mind.



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13 Mar 2018, 4:16 pm

Because people can change a lot throughout their life. You might want, think or feel things at say 30 or 40 that you never imagined at 10 or 20. A lot of people end up having kids, so it's more likely to think you will than that you won't.
It's annoying, but there doesn't need to be malice behind it.

I always knew I didn't want kids. I remember being a tween and adults would get that annoying talking-down-to-a-kid look and tell me that they felt so too at my age while smiling that annoying smile of theirs, and with plenty of contempt I thought "you're just saying that because you changed, but I'm different".
I know a lot of kids think so, but I also knew there really was something different about me (although I never in a million years would have guessed there was something wrong with me). But I digress.

Going on 41, I still don't want kids. My only regret is that it means the end of the family line. That bothers me. I'd also like the reassurance of still having loved ones down the line.
But I don't want nay of the stuff needed in order to have kids and get them to that point.


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13 Mar 2018, 7:36 pm

felt asexual, and didn’t want kids... turned out to be demisexual, and had untreated health problems. it’s now a strong instinctive feeling by 31 to want to settle down, and have children... though, it’s not felt a requirement for a relationship. might be better if a partner already had children to help raise, if to raise any, given uncertain genes though.


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