Posting in L&D that L&D is not for you

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cberg
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12 Mar 2018, 2:51 am

There's always something to gain. That's coming from a guy who thought he'd spend his entire life around machines. There's more.

People we love still see these struggles in us even though none of us may know what's to be done.

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yellowtamarin
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12 Mar 2018, 4:23 am

cberg wrote:

I don't see how any of that is off topic. People in relationships vent about the everyday between each other all the time, why are you saying it's weird for singletons to do the same? Absent a SO to talk to we've still got the internet

I don't think this forum should alienate anyone, especially considering the terms of use nobody else reads. All kinds of people come here for help or encouragement but this just reinforces the same inequity we're all looking for relief from.

I'm not saying it's off-topic. I'm not saying it's weird. I'm not trying to alienate anyone.

I'd like to be able to offer my insight, help, advice, etc. to whoever I can. That's why I'm in here. When people post essentially that no advice will work, because nothing will work, then I'm genuinely curious as to why they have come here, an advice forum, to say that.

If I take it literally (which I try not to despite that being my default interpretation), then it seems like a shutdown, an indication that I should no longer engage in conversation with this person in this forum, because if there really is no hope then continuing to talk about it is surely fruitless.

But I don't want to just take what these people say at face value, because I suspect they don't really want to be ignored here. So instead I ask, what do they want?

The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Mar 2018, 4:26 am

Because you are on L&D. ⌐■-■

yellowtamarin
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12 Mar 2018, 4:31 am

Spiderpig wrote:

Like what? :scratch:

There's an infinite number of options of things you could have typed right there, for example, but you chose "Like what?". You didn't say anything else you could have said.

So a person makes a choice to say "I will never find a girlfriend" rather than "I'm struggling to find a girlfriend". He *can* say either, but chooses the absolute phrasing.

yellowtamarin
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12 Mar 2018, 4:37 am

nick007 wrote:

kraftiekortie wrote:

I feel it's just people expressing their frustration.

They WANT love and companionship----that's why they come to L & D.

It is not actually "hopeless" for them. And I believe they know that, too, in their hearts.

I definitely posted things like yellowtamarin is talking about aLOT. I did it because it was a way of blowing off steam & I wanted others to grasp how badly I felt about it. I was wanting support & advice that I could actually use instead of the clue-shay(have NO clue how to spell it) generic phrases that lots of people say.

cliché

Did you not worry that by using such "absolutes" in your phrasing, rather than inviting useful advice it would make people not bother to try? Because if you say "there is no hope for me" then it seems kinda silly for someone to respond with more 'hopeless' advice.

yellowtamarin
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12 Mar 2018, 4:43 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

yellowtamarin wrote:

I'm curious as to why people who post in here with phrases like

I'll never find someone
It's hopeless for me
I'm done with dating
Trying to find a decent person is pointless
Nobody will ever want me
etc

even bother reading this forum at all, let alone contribute to it?

I'm not suggesting you stop contributing...I'm genuinely interested to know why you come to an advice forum to essentially tell us that our advice is useless? Is it simply venting, or is it overly-dramatic phrasing in order to prompt us to work harder to prove you wrong? Or what?

What is it you want from us, when you say things like this? And if you don't want anything, why do you come here to say it?

Thanks in advance for the insight

(Note: There's a distinction between "it's hopeless" and "it feels hopeless". I'm only referring to the first type of statement.)

Probably they want to be proven wrong or find support, or just vent. Feeling like you have no chance or that it's hopeless doesn't remove the desire or longing for a relationship. I guess they feel they have nothing to lose by contributing, even if they doubt they have much to gain.

Hmm well that's why I was clear to distinguish between phrasing like "it is hopeless" and "it feels hopeless". What you say makes sense with the second phrasing, but when talking to us literal-minded aspies, the first type of wording shows no sign of there being room for being proven wrong (or a willingness to be).

Yes, I'm probably just being pedantic with language. Words can be very powerful though and I do wonder if the use of such strong, inflexible language might have a negative influence on the mind of the user, however mild it may be.

nick007
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12 Mar 2018, 5:02 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

nick007 wrote:

kraftiekortie wrote:

cliché

I really didn't think about that. I guess I may of been more focused on the venting

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Spiderpig
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12 Mar 2018, 7:43 am

314pe wrote:

You forgot one more common phrase:
I am happy without a relationship so you should be happy too

How about "I am in a relationship and have always found a new partner soon every time any past relationship of mine ended, since I started dating as a teenager, but you should be perfectly happy with no romantic relationships or sex in your whole life"? The worst part? They're right.

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The_Face_of_Boo
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12 Mar 2018, 7:57 am

There's also the very common 'I will give you an advice based on my gender dynamics, because what works for my gender must work 100% with the opposite sex too' - the worst part? It's often so wrong.

Spiderpig
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12 Mar 2018, 10:02 am

trololololol

dacft0
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13 Mar 2018, 9:20 am

Well you are in a Love and Dating forum for people who have catastrophic trouble with relationships and social situations. So naturally you'll see a lot of posts in here of the negative experiences, we nonNT's endure every single day of our lives.

yellowtamarin
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13 Mar 2018, 11:06 am

dacft0 wrote:

Nothing wrong with that, and I would expect that and hope to have some advice or new perspective to give sometimes, where relevant.

That's not what this thread is about. It's about the use of language that essentially says "there's no chance of your input making a difference but I'm making a post anyway, because _________". I'm trying to fill in the blank.

hobojungle
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13 Mar 2018, 11:56 am

yellowtamarin wrote:

What is it you want from us, when you say things like this? And if you don't want anything, why do you come here to say it?

Misery loves company.

Spiderpig
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14 Mar 2018, 1:08 am

Yep, I guess the right thing for us would be complete social withdrawal, even online, to save everyone else the annoyance of knowing there are such pathetic excuses for human beings around, and give up for good on anything having to do with anyone else.

314pe
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14 Mar 2018, 2:50 am

Spiderpig wrote:

Why? Why not date other imperfect people? I personally enjoy being around people and I very much prefer being with imperfect people to being alone.

nick007
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14 Mar 2018, 3:01 am

314pe wrote:

Spiderpig wrote:

Why? Why not date other imperfect people? I personally enjoy being around people and I very much prefer being with imperfect people to being alone.

That's what I did. I never wanted a perfect person(except for my celebrity crush but Miranda's the one exception) cuz I figured I'd have more to offer an imperfect girl & am imperfect one would be more accepting & understanding of my issues. However it's been my experience that lots of imperfect women do not want an imperfect guy(or at least a guy who's as imperfect as me) but I'm sure there's lots of imperfect guys who are not interested in an imperfect girl.

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