Suicidal - Too Many Issues

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Hi,

I am kind of dying. I hardly eat and my sleeping patterns are not well
I have too many issues - being a scapegoat, depression, no will to live to a point where I calculated why I should die
So I'm the scapegoat of the family, where when someone but me makes a problem then they're either defended or make an attempt to see how I can make things better.
I have no will to live because I want to cut contact from my family, and other than them I have no one else for support
EDIT - Other abuses I've been through are a teenhood therapist who abused his profession to cripple me down, and a Machiavellian Psychopathic woman who charmed me to persuade her - put me through a wrecking amount of stress

I have come in peaceful terms with the idea of dying, or at least be at retirement from life by just doing whatever. Just to find a metaphorical small cave and do nothing but being on the computer and playing video games

I have been at that point in my life quite a number of times and I am sure I will be again.

Then come the days I enjoy and I am glad I am alive.
Somebody in my life died of suicide 8 years ago and it still really hurts try and not leave that carnage behind.

I get the impression you just want the pain gone give it time and it does go.

OP, you have harmed nobody, I would bet. so why should you let them make you go? you can be more stubborn. get angry, don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you leave. be a thorn in their side.

It sounds like your family is toxic to you.
Is there any way you can get away from them for a while and go someplace that is calming to you?
(((hugs)))

Anger is unacceptable in our family, especially by me. I have no room to express my feelings for I am the scapegoat
Currently I have no place to be away from them, unfortunately

As for harming no-one, that's exactly the point - it seems harming is strength, not weakness. Otherwise, they wouldn't be suicidal like I am