i need advice, help, new to this, please

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belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 3:10 pm

Dear people,

i have no idea if this is in the right forumbracket, if not, ofcourse, i'm sorry/

I need an explanation for what i have been experiencing for 15 years, and my doctors keep telling me all is ok.
It obviously isnt. I have the feeling my psychiatrist is an idiot. I'm 32

since when i was young i have been feeling like an alien:
Some facts:
- my brain feels like i'm trying to control a car driving 500 km per hour, without a wheel. Even though it's normal to me, i dont really feel like its normal compared to others. And yes i can concentrate, but it's exhausting. I want to analyse everything, count things, and ask questions i feel are not normal.
- i never smile, i just dont, it just doesnt come out that way.
- when i see other peoples eyes, its like i can see into their soul, its too deep and too scary, and i have an excellent way of judging character, which i can say cause of experience. I sometimes think it's a special power. (i know huh...idiotic)
- i hate being around crowds, people..i'm not a misantrope , its just too much.
- i cannot stand daylight, and the night is like a drug to me cause it is a natural calming effect. The same with nature. Again, there are no people or at least less off them at night. I'm also attracted to f.e. old airports with planes still there, old forgotten buildings....during the day i have headaches and want to be underground. Society to me is impossible.
- i 've had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) cause of the stress of daylight and people since as long i remember, but my doctors dont see the connection.
- i think very "weirdly" about life, as i never see the point in 99% of "normal topics'. If it's about something thats "off", i'm there. This makes me very lonely. I love quantum physics, eccentric individuals,...
- i have a deep connection with animals. my cat is my friend, more than i trust people.
- i swear to the lord above i've encountered two moments in my young life where i new someone would die. They did, both at a young age, from accidents with their car. I just knew. I dont know what to do with this. it scares me.
- my dreams are extremely vivid. I can feel and touch everything, as it was real life.
- i have trouble with accepting or gauging my mirror image. It seems foreign to me
- i went to university and had highest honors without taking one class. This tells me i'm not stupid, but i'm not even able to hold down a job at the supermarket cause its full of people. So i feel stupid never the less. It also was stupid of me cause it made my surroundings feel like i was capable of a normal life. With surroundings, i mean my parents who never care what i've been telling to them about these feelings. I was good at everything i did, but i was hurting. They chose reputation over love, and i'll never forgive them. I did instruments, sports, whatever. It all ended with medals. I do not care about it cause it takes me no effort. I want to be normal. I can't be, i know now.
- if i even see one person on a bike in the middle of nature, my peace is already gone and i need to turn around. Its like i feel their presence.
- i have no trouble learning anything, it takes me f.e. a week to learn spanish just by being in spain. I feel things like this are not challenges, and people want me to "use my talents", but they will NOT listen to what i say about the impossiblity of society cause the things i experience. But again, dont ask me to buy shampoo cause it will feel like torture. My life feels like torture 24/ 7. I cannot handle this brain.
- i can't deal with existential questions. I'm obsessed with trying to explain death, life, and the meaning of both.
_ I'm hyperhonest, and in my few days as a lawyer i was obsessed with 'beating" the system. People thought i was insane to say things to the Judge others wouldn't even dare. I still dont get what the big deal is. When my boss said "do you want to be fired?", i took it as a non retorical question and said "okay", walked over to the bench across the office and thought it was a normal reaction. I do not care about stuff like this.
- i was bullied to the brink of torture because of all of this. people holding me down with four guys and peeing on me when i was 16, and it goes on.
- i'm obsessed with looking at stars, i'll do this for hours and hours.
- i'm very easily broken on one hand, i'm super nice to a default to other people. At the same time , i do MMA and i will defend everyone that is being bullied. I'll go nuts at five guys at a time without even blinking, if i know its for a good cause (f.e. i saw a dude get stabbed and i defended him). I'll cry multiple times a week, and i go nuts from seeing videos about kittens. So i dont know whether i'm nice or a psycho like they tell me. I do not like violence but i just dont like bullies.

- this one freaks me out a lot: i can feel others pain to a point where i can feel it myself. This together with knowing when my friends would die make me sometimes go very deep into the rabbithole of weirdness. I do not understand.
- i'm leaving a decent job soon to just travel with my guitar. it seems more logical, cause i don"t really understand why people work in the way they do. I never care about stuff, and i don't understand why people buy the stuff they do. To me it seems weird. I'm not judging, i just do not care about buying new clothes, cars if u don't need it. I only buy water and healthy food.


i'm tired of this weird life where people treat me like i'm a freaking idiot. I just want people to be nice, and i want to be normal. I can do things most people cannot dream of after years of trying, without even breaking a sweat. But i can't even go into a bar without my brain feeling its on "override". I see, hear everything. It's like they cannot help me, and i cannot help myself.

I could go on and on with "weird" facts, this is off the top of my head, i just had another moment where i was crying in disbelief that no one can tell me what is going on. I'm 32, and i can do whatever i want, but nothing feels good or normal. Being "good" at something doesnt make me happy. i want to feel like i belong somewhere, and it just doesnt exist. I dont want to die, but i'm very curious to see which theory is correct.

much love, i'm sorry for all of this. I need to be honest for once in my life. I'm afraid they will lock me up or something if i tell these things to a doctor.



sunshinescj
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12 Apr 2018, 4:31 pm

I know things can be really tough when you spend your whole life feeling different from other people. Most of us on this forum can relate. Have you taken the Aspie Quiz or RAADS-R? You can find them online and they might help you find some answers and peace of mind. Of course you can't get an official diagnosis without talking to a doctor, but they are a good place to start. Also those on the spectrum can be hyper empathetic despite the stereotype, so keep that in mind. Good luck!



belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 4:46 pm

thank u so much for a reply, i had the feeling i said something wrong and was worrying my butt off. Thank u for your kind words, i'm in a very confused place right now. Thank u!! !



ASPartOfMe
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12 Apr 2018, 4:54 pm

If you do not like your psychiatrist you should get a different one or a psychologist.

Just like any other business, the psychiatrist is providing a product and you(or somebody) are paying for that product. If a store keeps on selling you molded bread you are most likely to find another store to buy your breads. The same concept goes for psychiatric "products".


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belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 5:25 pm

this is not my first psychiatrist....ofcourse...i want to hear from u guys, that's why i am here

thank u for replying



naturalplastic
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12 Apr 2018, 5:42 pm

You sound like you are an amazing individual. It would be nice if you could just take some pill..that would make your sensory issues go away, but would allow you to keep your strengths.

But I am not clear as to what exactly you are asking.

Are you asking autism spectrum folks if you yourself are an aspie/autistic?

It could well be that you are one. Much of this (even the bowl problems) are things some ASD folks have. Don't have that particular issue, but relate in a general kinda way to what youre struggling with. But no one can really diagnose you as a stranger over the internet.



belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 5:52 pm

I guess i'm asking, what is wrong with me, and if someone also has them . I'm very much alone, and i swear that i've had multiple doctors and psychiatrists talk with me, to no avail. I Always feel it's because i can present myself really well, but it feels more that i'm acting at that point. Also, my parents are insanely protective of our family reputation, and they will go as far as obstructing any treatment with underhand money deals with these doctors. It might sound unbelieveable, but my parents have lots of power and i'm very scared.



Gallia
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12 Apr 2018, 5:55 pm

belgiumguitardude wrote:
Dear people,

i have no idea if this is in the right forumbracket, if not, ofcourse, i'm sorry/

I need an explanation for what i have been experiencing for 15 years, and my doctors keep telling me all is ok.
It obviously isnt. I have the feeling my psychiatrist is an idiot. I'm 32

since when i was young i have been feeling like an alien:
Some facts:
- my brain feels like i'm trying to control a car driving 500 km per hour, without a wheel. Even though it's normal to me, i dont really feel like its normal compared to others. And yes i can concentrate, but it's exhausting. I want to analyse everything, count things, and ask questions i feel are not normal.
- i never smile, i just dont, it just doesnt come out that way.
- when i see other peoples eyes, its like i can see into their soul, its too deep and too scary, and i have an excellent way of judging character, which i can say cause of experience. I sometimes think it's a special power. (i know huh...idiotic)
- i hate being around crowds, people..i'm not a misantrope , its just too much.
- i cannot stand daylight, and the night is like a drug to me cause it is a natural calming effect. The same with nature. Again, there are no people or at least less off them at night. I'm also attracted to f.e. old airports with planes still there, old forgotten buildings....during the day i have headaches and want to be underground. Society to me is impossible.
- i 've had IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) cause of the stress of daylight and people since as long i remember, but my doctors dont see the connection.
- i think very "weirdly" about life, as i never see the point in 99% of "normal topics'. If it's about something thats "off", i'm there. This makes me very lonely. I love quantum physics, eccentric individuals,...
- i have a deep connection with animals. my cat is my friend, more than i trust people.
- i swear to the lord above i've encountered two moments in my young life where i new someone would die. They did, both at a young age, from accidents with their car. I just knew. I dont know what to do with this. it scares me.
- my dreams are extremely vivid. I can feel and touch everything, as it was real life.
- i have trouble with accepting or gauging my mirror image. It seems foreign to me
- i went to university and had highest honors without taking one class. This tells me i'm not stupid, but i'm not even able to hold down a job at the supermarket cause its full of people. So i feel stupid never the less. It also was stupid of me cause it made my surroundings feel like i was capable of a normal life. With surroundings, i mean my parents who never care what i've been telling to them about these feelings. I was good at everything i did, but i was hurting. They chose reputation over love, and i'll never forgive them. I did instruments, sports, whatever. It all ended with medals. I do not care about it cause it takes me no effort. I want to be normal. I can't be, i know now.
- if i even see one person on a bike in the middle of nature, my peace is already gone and i need to turn around. Its like i feel their presence.
- i have no trouble learning anything, it takes me f.e. a week to learn spanish just by being in spain. I feel things like this are not challenges, and people want me to "use my talents", but they will NOT listen to what i say about the impossiblity of society cause the things i experience. But again, dont ask me to buy shampoo cause it will feel like torture. My life feels like torture 24/ 7. I cannot handle this brain.
- i can't deal with existential questions. I'm obsessed with trying to explain death, life, and the meaning of both.
_ I'm hyperhonest, and in my few days as a lawyer i was obsessed with 'beating" the system. People thought i was insane to say things to the Judge others wouldn't even dare. I still dont get what the big deal is. When my boss said "do you want to be fired?", i took it as a non retorical question and said "okay", walked over to the bench across the office and thought it was a normal reaction. I do not care about stuff like this.
- i was bullied to the brink of torture because of all of this. people holding me down with four guys and peeing on me when i was 16, and it goes on.
- i'm obsessed with looking at stars, i'll do this for hours and hours.
- i'm very easily broken on one hand, i'm super nice to a default to other people. At the same time , i do MMA and i will defend everyone that is being bullied. I'll go nuts at five guys at a time without even blinking, if i know its for a good cause (f.e. i saw a dude get stabbed and i defended him). I'll cry multiple times a week, and i go nuts from seeing videos about kittens. So i dont know whether i'm nice or a psycho like they tell me. I do not like violence but i just dont like bullies.

- this one freaks me out a lot: i can feel others pain to a point where i can feel it myself. This together with knowing when my friends would die make me sometimes go very deep into the rabbithole of weirdness. I do not understand.
- i'm leaving a decent job soon to just travel with my guitar. it seems more logical, cause i don"t really understand why people work in the way they do. I never care about stuff, and i don't understand why people buy the stuff they do. To me it seems weird. I'm not judging, i just do not care about buying new clothes, cars if u don't need it. I only buy water and healthy food.


i'm tired of this weird life where people treat me like i'm a freaking idiot. I just want people to be nice, and i want to be normal. I can do things most people cannot dream of after years of trying, without even breaking a sweat. But i can't even go into a bar without my brain feeling its on "override". I see, hear everything. It's like they cannot help me, and i cannot help myself.

I could go on and on with "weird" facts, this is off the top of my head, i just had another moment where i was crying in disbelief that no one can tell me what is going on. I'm 32, and i can do whatever i want, but nothing feels good or normal. Being "good" at something doesnt make me happy. i want to feel like i belong somewhere, and it just doesnt exist. I dont want to die, but i'm very curious to see which theory is correct.

much love, i'm sorry for all of this. I need to be honest for once in my life. I'm afraid they will lock me up or something if i tell these things to a doctor.


i think you sound so so lovely - i'd love to be your friend ^-^


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belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 6:02 pm

i cannot tell if u are being sarcastic, so if u want to be my friend, i dont know how this works on this site (just joined today), but i would be delighted to! :)



Gallia
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12 Apr 2018, 7:43 pm

belgiumguitardude wrote:
i cannot tell if u are being sarcastic, so if u want to be my friend, i dont know how this works on this site (just joined today), but i would be delighted to! :)


lol I'm definitely not being sarcastic xD i just really related to what you wrote. i guess it's a bit corny to say but who cares. I'm tired of trying to act cool so people will accept me and then i slip up in my weird/ uncool ways and they look at me like I'm a freak. ill just own my freakish ways from now on :skull:

uhm i dunno ahah you can pm me and we can chat.


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larteaga
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12 Apr 2018, 8:11 pm

Welcome to the club— or should I say- OUR WORLD. In this world, EVERYTHING you are experiencing is the norm for us. Just relax and do your best , exercise, drink water, eat healthy and MEDITATE. If it gets too tough you can try some meds, as well. Oh and keep earplugs handy for sensory overload, those are a given, maybe dark glasses, too. Now, here’s the thing, what works one day may not work the next. Meditation is the best cause you train your brain to lessen the sensations, but most importantly, it teaches you to accept yourself. Yep, your mind is going haywire, you are feeling that person’s pain, you feel lost and out of control , however it is not you, it is your body. You are safe ... breathe... you are okay... you can choose to leave and go somewhere quiet and close your eyes and breathe. Good luck! It is what it is.



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12 Apr 2018, 8:12 pm

I notice you have a cat. I am also a cat lover. I have had them all of my life and feel a special bond with them. What breed is your cat? I have had Siamese, tabbies and a Calico.



belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 8:21 pm

Hey catlover! :D i have no idea! my cat (Lil' Tommy) is a stray i picked up from the stree when he was wounded babycat. He was the mike tyson of streetcats as he continues to fight as if he were a prizefighter :D he mellowed out cause i pet him as much as i can. I have no idea what breed, i should check it out. he is supercute, and very sweet. I love his little nose and paws :D and he is superchill! love that u have so many!! I often dream about lions and tigers also. I go visit a siberian tiger in the zoo weekly and play for him with my guitar. He's starting to notice me. Something about those cat like animals, big and small, i just cant put my finger on...cheers!



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12 Apr 2018, 8:27 pm

I don't think Gallia was being sarcastic.

As for Naturalplastic, compliments don't come easy for him; he just doesn't go around complimenting people. I think he's sincere in what he says. He's pretty crusty to me LOL

Yep. You sound like you could be an amazing person---if only all this "amazingness" was more focused, more channeled.

I don't think you're "broken," by the way. I think your problem might be focus. And maybe adjustment to environments which don't suit you.

What did you go to University for---where you received top honors?



robbrucejr
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12 Apr 2018, 8:33 pm

I can definitely relate to a lot of what you said... how most things come easy to you, but don't really matter to you... how you can present yourself well, but feel like it's just an act... how it's exhausting to be around people, and people in nature kill your sense of calm... and much more. I second the comment about meditation. It certainly helps me to create some space between the thoughts and feelings. In my opinion, normal is a myth, and the myth is over rated. If a guitar and the road makes you happy, go for it. The sooner, the better. There's no shortage of people trying to be "normal," doing "normal" things. Keep being interesting and interested.



belgiumguitardude
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12 Apr 2018, 8:39 pm

Hello nice people! What i meant is i cannot really understand sarcasm the way other people do. I think it's because I've learned not to trust people cause of endless bullying. I talk very straight forward, but it seems that people only lie. It might seem weird but it feels like very few people are genuine. They lie, lie and lie. I just say what i think. I did not mean to suggest he was sarcastic in that way, but i now realise it came out wrong, therefore my sincere excuses!


i did lawschool (masters in criminal law, minor in international law). The university is European, i rather not say which cause of internet privacy (my name is on the site). I never took it seriously, I never liked it, i just did it for my parents. It might seem weird, but i literally had no say in this. Not one bit. (even in court i felt everything was a huge charade, and i still do.

i just joined today, in a whim trying to find people i can connect with. So i'm sorry if i do wrong things, it's the least i want to do. I'm sure i'll learn as time goes on. I have a feeling i belong here :D thank you so, so much :heart:



Last edited by belgiumguitardude on 12 Apr 2018, 8:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.