Discipline,Hygeine, and Weight loss

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My girlfriend of 5 years, has a 12 year old, soon to be 13 year old son with Aspergers. He is from a previous relationship, and we do have a 5 year old son together. I will get right to the point on this post. Her son is a good kid, but I have concerns for him. I am not his father and I am not trying to be, but I feel as an adult in his life, especially one dating his mother, I have somewhat of a responsibility to helping him become a responsible adult who can function in this world. His dad is in his life, but does the bare minimum, and most likely is on the spectrum himself. I would actually bet my hard earned money that he is. Anyways, I am concerned with how my girlfriend is raising him.

One example of something I don't agree with, is when she tells him to go take a shower, he tells her to hold on while he's playing his video games. I have noticed plenty of times when this will go on for 2 hours. She will tell him to go in the shower, he says hold on, 20 minutes later she says it again, he says hold on, and finally after an hour or two she will open his door and say now or I'm shutting it off. She lets him tell her to hold on over and over again. I now find my 5 year old does the same exact thing since he hears his brother constantly do it anytime she tells him to do something. I have spoken to her about it, and told her in my opinion she needs to stop being so lenient, and start giving consequences. I'm finding it pretty much comes down to her not wanting him to have a melt down, or be stressed. I don't see how this is helping him prepare for the real world what so ever. I'm not saying to become a drill instructor, but every child needs to know that you must follow rules. Having a disability doesn't change that

Another thing that concerns me is his weight. A 12 year old should not weigh around 230 pounds. He literally gets zero exercise at all, and spends all of his time sitting playing video games, or lying on the bed on the laptop. He doesn't eat that healthy either. There was a point in time where I suggested minimal video games during the week, and he started going outside to play with kids, and he really slimmed down. Then when that stopped, he quickly went back and then some. I feel bad for him because I was heavy growing up and I know how it can really get in the way of truly enjoying life, not to mention the health problems it can bring. She will literally let him play video games from the second he walks in after school, until its time to shower, then back on until its time for bed. Again, she allows it because he likes it, and doesn't want him to go back to negative thoughts all the time, and the melt downs etc. I don't understand how someone could allow their child to be so unhealthy. I'm nervous for my son, as she buys to much junk food,juice boxes, and unhealthy meals. My son is already extremely picky, and always wants things like noodles to eat. At his age (5) I was eating different veggies, chicken, seafood, etc. I am not sure what to do or how to help. I have suggested us all going to see a nutritionist, and I think I may just go ahead and schedule an appointment and bring her.

I don't want this to be too long, but one last thing. I have an issue with the cleanliness or should I say lack of. I understand he is 12, and 12 year old boys aren't the cleanest, but there has to be a limit. His room is very messy, and smells very bad. It has that funky body odor mixed with dirty clothes smell. And I know for a fact, that sometimes when he does shower, he's really not showering. When you go into a bathroom after someone showered, it smells clean, like whatever soap was used. Also, there should be a wet face cloth or body sponge, and a lot of times there is not. We recently went away overnight, and when I went to shower after him I noticed there was no wet face cloth, and the bathroom had no clean smell to it. I also noticed there was no shampoo(his is bright blue) or body wash residue in the tub. The floor was soaking wet so I know he actually was in the shower. I nicely asked him why he didn't actually wash and he said something like "I was just trying to get in and out ya know." But yet he spent over 20 minutes in the bathroom. We had to drive 1.5hours to get to the hotel, and I quickly noticed that my car, which is small and cramped, had a funky odor in it. The smell was spot on to what his room smells like. I actually had to spray something to make it smell better. I am not trying to be mean, but being clean is very important, and also if you are in the car with people, they should not have to sit in that stench. Plain and simple. I cant even count the amount of times he will come out of the bathroom after going either number 1 or 2, and not wash his hands. I will remind him, and I do it kindly, but in my head I cant help but think of all the times no one is there to remind him, and he doesn't wash after going poop. I have big issues with that. That means he's wiping his behind, and then touching things all over the house, grabbing food, and spreading bacteria everywhere. How do I help with this? Will he ever remember to wash after using the bathroom. I don't want to sound like I'm bashing him, but these are things that need to be worked on, and I feel as if his mom is not taking it as serious as she should, especially for the first two issues. I know it seems as if I have an issue with him, but truthfully I have an issue with how she goes about helping him improve, grow, and get out of the bad habits. I know he has great potential, but needs the adults in his life to really stay on him, coach him, and really invest in making him be the best he can be. In all honesty I feel bad for him, but eventually kids grow into adults, and regardless of issues, the world expects certain things out of you.

Because you are not his dad and having a come to Jesus moment will be difficult...

My friend took her teen to the doctor for the "You need to wash daily, brush your teeth, healthy living choices talk." Her son had a really good relationship with the pediatrician. She paid out of pocket for 60 minutes of this guys time because her 12 year old son would listen to no one. Because this man was a "professional", her Aspie so took it as gospel truth.

It didn't make everything magically change, but it's a start. Maybe a third party could go over those life skills habits.

I'm surprised the school hasn't said anything if the teen is leaving a funk trail behind. My DD middle school will call home/talk to the kid or fire it up to CPS if nothing is resolved.

Also remember Aspies can be 2-5 years behind their peers. 13-5=8. An eight year old isn't the best at washing up, but it doesn't matter because they don't reek yet. The teen may actually not know how to wash up properly.

My nephew (Aspie) at 11 thought a shower meant having the water run over your body. I had to blow by blow tell him how to wash his body and his hair. He really had no clue.

Hi!
Another stepparent here.
My Stepson is 10, also HFA. My SS and yours (please allow me to call him your SS from this point on) definitely share a lot of same traits from what I read in your post. The only difference is that my SS is yet to hit puberty (although he's almost there) so we aren't "suffering" from any unpleasant smell like you did.

The showing without soap is actually an issue we've been dealing with just this past week lol.
We put plenty of selections of soaps in the kids' bathroom for my SS and my daughter, and he likes one specific bottle the most. For the first few weeks/months (I don't really know how long it lasted) my SS was very thrilled to use them but then, I don't know since when, he just stop using them altogether. Basically he was trying to "get through the motion as soon as possible" so that he can get to his choice time in the morning.

I only know this because he's still not done with the one specific bottle he likes, while his dad has gone through 3 and I have gone through 2 bottles of soap during this time, haha.

Once I realized that my SS is not using soap when showering. My first step is to talk to my husband. Like I said, my SS doesn't smell bad and I don't know how big of a issue this is to his dad. After the dad conveyed his wish that his son definitely SHOULD (his word) use soap to shower we then talk to my SS.

We use a star system at home. For each day my SS and my daughter will only get a star if they do their morning chores "well" and "right" before they get to their choice time. Rushing through and half-ass work will not earn them the star, and they will be required to redo the half-ass work to make it right. The stars can be exchanged to weekend activities, or their allowance.

So we told our SS (mainly his dad did the talk):

"It is important for you to keep your personal hygiene well so people will want to be around you."
"If you choose to not to use soap to shower, you choose to shower again with soap, and will not get your star of the day."

Ever since then he's been keeping up the good work showering with soap.

We have been using this "if you choose, you choose..." format for most of the occasions and found it works well with my SS. I think kids at this age like to make some decisions on their own, and also like to feel they have some kind of control in their lives. I guess that's why this format works for my SS.

Although, you do need your GF to be on the same team with you.
I won't be able to do anything if my husband holds different ideas from mine.
We are, after all, not our step kids' bio parents, and the kids are very well aware of that too.
I believe that kids thrives in a structured environment (that doesn't mean it has to be strict, although the adults really have to follow through their words, whether it's positive or negative consequences).
My husband and I don't always agree with each other, but we try to communicate our disagreements when the kids are not around, instead of pointing out the disagreement in the middle of any parenting events.
If your GF doesn't agree with your parenting idea though, it will just make it harder for you...because, well, you're not his dad.

Last but not least...at the end of day the only person that can change your SS is your SS.
If he doesn't see the needs to change, he just won't change (this is true to all human beings though).
It's his life he will have to be responsible at one point. We can help but we also need to learn to let go sometimes :/

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Being fat, liking video games, and having poor discipline and hygiene are not diagnostic of autism. Does the kid have a formal diagnosis? If so, I'm sure none of the above were factors in it.

Sadly the boy needs a father and clearly doesn't have one. That's not your fault but it's the reality. You personally are not going to be able to bring the discipline and love to his life that he needs. Your only option is to try to help his mother become a better parent as the boy won't take you seriously if you try to take on a bigger role in his life.

First, he needs to understand why all of these changes in his life are needed. Don't assume he knows that eating well and getting exercise are important. Teach him. Books work if he is a good reader as well as other visual info -- pictures, videos etc. Most ASD kids learn with their eyes, not their ears.

Without seeing the child and knowing him it's difficult to know if his meltdowns are truly uncontrollable responses or if he is trying to manipulate his mother. Most NT kids and some ASD kids manipulate through meltdowns. This child certainly seems to be getting away with a lot and may be purposely manipulating but if there is no manipulation punishing the child or pushing through the meltdown would be a disaster and will cause more problems. I'd encourage his mother to worry less about the meltdowns and bring more discipline.

If a meltdown happens and it is clearly not a manipulative, the proper thing to do is to help the child calm down. You cannot teach a child anything in the middle of a true ASD meltdown. After the meltdown, he can work on relaxation techniques so that he begins to learn how to calm himself the next time he has a meltdown. If taking a shower or eating healthy foods trigger the meltdown, it is critical that he quickly learn why he must take a shower and eat well.

He needs a routine and should have a calendar of activities that include all of the hygiene and health items his mother thinks he needs. ASD kids are again visual and they respond very well in most cases to having a clear routine on a calendar with pictures. I would help him structure the routine so that chores, hygiene, exercise, homework and healthy eating come before preferred activities like video games, not after. Both my ASD son and my NT son know that any meltdown/crying/delay in completing daily routines simply means they will have no time later for preferred activities. For us, bedtime is fixed. The day is done and they know it. If an hour was wasted resisting and crying or in a real ASD type meltdown, the hour is gone and won't be recovered. They just have to do better next time.

My kids have a morning routine and an evening chore routine that they complete every day. Every week they must choose and try a new food (trying is ok and they can say no if they don't like it). They have to participate in 2 sports/exercise activities and 2 extracurricular activities (typically music or art) every week. They get to choose what they will do but sitting at home isn't an option.

After he learns why all of these things are important in his life, expect him to change but encourage him to choose what he wants to do, not exactly what you think he needs. Take him shopping and let him pick new healthier foods to try. Let him pick exercise and sports activities he wants to try. If he doesn't like something he picks, let him choose something else. Don't force something specific. Just expect change and treat him as a thinking, intelligent person.

If he can make a few positive changes on his own with some encouragement and direction, it will dramatically improve his self-esteem and may significantly change his life.

Lastly regarding video games, I feel they are not as evil as many believe them to be as long as kids are learning something important while playing. Games that educate or teach kids to think in complex ways can be very beneficial. Shooter games -- blowing away zombies with a bazooka etc -- is something to be avoided for sure. Try to teach this to this child and encourage him to find games and videos that truly educate. There are many.

He can have two fathers as well.