White lies

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I look forward to receiving them Elsa. The issue seems to be getting worse.

This might not be helpful but it is stuff that has worked for me and how I would attempt to approach it if it were my daughter.

My daughter hasn't played video games but we had similar issues for a long time with board-games and other scenarios (playdates, role-play, any activity where she felt she was losing control of the situation). Whilst it might seem sensible to just do something else and so avoid the problem and the stress, an alternative way to look at it is that you need to find a way to shift her developing self-image of someone who is bad at losing and someone who can't handle this to someone who is really good at it and can handle it.

First I'd consider sensory needs, does she have any you are aware of? My daughter needs sensory feedback so if she were to sit and watch a whole movie she would have built up a lot of restless energy and agitation by the end of it. She now self-regulates this so she will ensure she gets up every so often and rolls on her peanut ball or jumps about or whatever. At school she uses restive clay so she gets some sensory feedback during class-time. Maybe your niece needs something similar? Hanging over a cushion or just taking a short break to move about?

Then I would talk to her about how it would be cool if you could play the games you both clearly enjoy together. Talk about the aspects you enjoy. Find a way of gentle stating that to be able to do that she needs to build up some resistance to becoming emotionally overwhelmed at the idea of losing. That this is something everyone has to deal with and it can be really good to practise as it is an important skill and it is somewhat of a prerequisite for you being able to have fun playing the game together. Then start with a short amount of time of playing and try and stop before she finds it overwhelming. If she gets overwhelmed don't stop as a punishment but try and not make a big deal out of it and move on and say you are happy to try again another time. Ideally, if you can get a chunk of time in where she is "ok" then stop and "big up" how good it was and how fun it was to play with her and start creating in her mind the image of her as someone who can handle playing games and the threat or actuality of loosing. Take many opportunities to praise her and how well it went (maybe tell her mother when she comes to get her?) Just be careful not to sound patronising or insincere as she will notice that! You can also remind her of how well it went between the first successful time and the next time you set out to play. Then repeat this whilst being careful to not put too much pressure on.

Try and ensure the gaming experience ends well initially but as she starts building up confidence there will inevitably be some set-backs here and there as you relax a bit and expect her to be able to handle longer stretches. Just try and remain calm and refer back to earlier times and how well it went but acknowledge that everything takes time and everyone has set-backs and it is not a big deal. It is part of the process and she is doing great. You might even refer to some time when you lost and got frustrated and how that made you feel.

This might take a bit of time but in my experience it is worth it. What you are doing is gradually shifting her self-image of being someone who can't handle this to someone who can do it with great success. Alongside this you are building up a really great rapport where she feels she can trust you to help her navigate something she finds challenging. You are gifting her something amazing by being patient and helping her work through this.

In my limited experience, it is extra important to focus on combating negative self understandings in autistic children. I think this happens easier with autism, in part, because risk is assessed more rigorously so it is easy for children to become avoidant towards things that appear even mildly threatening or risky. Also, it appears easier to get stuck in behavioural patterns when families are overly focused on damage-control (stopping meltdowns and unsociable behaviour) as opposed to more positive interactions which would result in buffering self-confidence and self-esteem. Sadly therefore it appears to be frequent that children come away with negative self-images in relation to a huge bunch of things which could have been avoided. Focusing on improving executive functioning, independence and self-reliance as young as possible might help with this.

Hoping that helps a little? Or at least offers another perspective on things.

That's useful Elsa thank you. I will try your suggestions. I appreciate the time you took to write that quite lengthy post! I like your emphasis on gradually building up and on keeping positive.