I think my friend is being abused

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I feel so guilty because I saw red flags ages ago, but let it slide thinking that I was being irrational. Now I wish I had trusted my gut because after a recent incident, I’m almost certain that he’s emotionally abusing her.

I’m not asking for input about whether my suspicions are correct because it’s very clear that it’s a toxic relationship. What I need is advice on how to help her. She’s isolated from her family and spends most of her time with him. Now they’re moving in together and I’m frankly terrified because I know what kind of temper he has and while he has never lashed out at her, he has a history of physically assaulting people for what’s i consider very small slights against him. He also has some very toxic friends that have made my friend feel threatened and he’s constantly gaslighting her, as if she’s overreacting.

I truly don’t want to believe that he is an abuser but he ticks so many of the boxes and I’m not going to wait any longer to step in “just to make sure”. If he ever tries to hurt her, I will make him know true pain.

I’m just shaking with anger. I feel like I was brainwashed and that I wasn’t there when she needed me. But right now my ego doesn’t matter. What matters is keeping her safe.

I’m going to spend more time with her and I’m keeping a note of local crisis centres incase things escalate. What else can I do? I just don’t want her to get hurt. She’s already suffering as it is.

Dumb question, but I couldn’t tell from your post: have you told your friend you are concerned?

I have the same with at least 3 girlfriends. From everything I've read on r/relationships you should let them know you're there for them. I try to show them that what's going on isn't healthy or normal but without telling them "this isn't normal or healthy". Rather, they need to come to that conclusion themselves. Abusers are really good at pushing others away, so be very, very careful. I spent a whole morning talking with one girlfriend and she realised that it was actually emotionally abusive behaviour, but they talked it out and she sent me a message that he doesn't her to talk to me anymore.

Anyway, I think the best thing you can do is be there for her, show her a good time, maybe talk about some behaviours you've seen as abusive but more "it happened to someone else". You could also send her lists of abusive behaviours? But it's very hard, I only realised my relationship with my ex was abusive after getting out of it. If it really weighs on your too much and you've talked with her about it already you can tell her you would love to help her if she wants help but it's too hard on your own mental health to be there for her actively. Let her know that you're always there for her if she wants to talk about it or get help.